Divorce - how can I get in a good position to keep the house?

[DustyLee123]

I want to divorce my DH, but the only thing stopping me is that I want to keep the house. No mortgage on the house, DH has inheritance money and a big pension, I have a tiny pension due to bringing up the kids. All kids over 18 now.
I think he might fight me for the house, or force its sale, just to be a pain as he won’t want divorce.
How can I get in a good position to keep it?

They're over 18. That means the court won't consider them as part of your housing needs. They're adults.

How long do you expect them to be living with you? Because to have 20 ish year old children, unless you had your kids super young, you're around 50. It's a really big risk to your own future leaving yourself with little to no pension provision in a big house you're only just able to afford to run so no chance of really funneling as much money as possibly into saving for retirement.

You need a plan and a discussion with your kids that this divorce means that you may not be able to house them to the extent you currently are. They may have to move out or really start paying their way.

My mum did exactly what you are hoping to do back in the 80s. We were primary school aged at the time and with her full time so slightly different.

She has finally sold the 5 bed house that has been a noose around her neck for probably 20 years. She's spent most of the time since she retired about 15yrs ago struggling to afford to upkeep it. The freedom she now has is amazing.

What I'm trying to say is think about why you want to keep the house. And if it is worth it.

You may be able to do this if he has a good pension. Get a pension acturial report. Then offset the pension for share of the house. You may need a mortgage for the rest but will have equity so can get a good rate.

You really need to get the valuations on the pensions to know the answer to this If the difference between your two pots (CEV) is bigger than the cost of the house then you might be able to negotiate keeping the house. I have a friend who did this. Her husband had a CEV of just under £1m and she had one of £190k.

Can you get a job and get s mortgage? Can your adult children get a mortgage?

It really comes down to the values involved. If the house is worth £300k and his pension is worth £1M, then you should be ok. If the house is worth £1M and his pension is worth £300k then clearly no chance. I've ignored other assets for simplicity of the example, but you've implied the house and his pension are the big things. As you've not given us any specifics then we can't speculate.

Just because your kids currently live with you doesn’t mean they always will. Can you sell and get somewhere smaller but still with space if they need it (two bed and a sofa bed or whatever)

No op. Pensions on divorce need a cev as said, the provider will give this over the phone, but the cev is much much less than what’s in the pot.

housing adult children is not taken into account, unless extenuating circumstances ie they cannot live independently due to additional needs and can’t live with him ie he travels or has his own medical issues.

if you can’t afford to buy him out, then you cannot keep the house, divorce is fair to both parties, you should look to see what you can buy for your share of the equity and half of the other assets. Buy your own place. Do it up to your tastes. Start again. Don’t stay in an unhappy marriage just as you like your house.

I know housing adult children isn’t taken into account, I only said that as someone implied I only needed a one bedroom property.

As pp have said, why are you so insistent on keeping the house?
Initially when I separated from my exH I thought I wanted the house but it very quickly became apparent that it was too big and expensive for me to run on my own (the adult DC we're at uni) and I felt lonely rattling around in it. The constant repairs required and maintenance were a pain too. I would've had to increase the mortgage in order to pay out exH.
So I sold up and am so very happy in my smaller house which I own outright. Not having a mortgage has given me the flexibility to work in a less intensive job and achieve better work life balance. My adult DC still have a base but also have one with their father in a different city so they're happy.

Thanks for all your replies.
People have said that I should move to a smaller house as it’s less up keep, yet any house needs up keep no matter the size, so I don’t see that argument. Plus, when you buy a new house, you are buying the problems in that place, so I’d rather stick with what I know.
As I said at the beginning, and I’ve posted in the Legal Matters thread, I’m looking for legal advice to strengthen my position, I’m not looking for personal opinion. But I do genuinely thank you all for taking the time to answer.

I had to buy dp out to keep the house even though his pension was 4x the size of mine and the kids were under 18

So I wouldn't hold out too much hope (is what I mean)! I would assume he would ask for it to be sold. Sorry not to be much more help but always better to be realistic

Op, I’m not sure you’re hearing what people are saying or understanding. People are being kind of the less upkeep thing.

you cannot afford to buy him out, as such you need to forget this idea. You keep asking how to gef yourself in a better position .the only way to do this is to raise the money to buy his half of the house. There is literally no other option , you need to buy his half. If there is not enough other assets in the marriage to mean your half is the same value or more, and you can’t get the mortgage, or borrow from family. You simply cannot buy his half.

im not sure what you’re looking for by repeatedly asking about bettering your position. You need to raise the cash to buy his half. That’s it.

divorce laws are not punitive. There is no emotion in the law. It is simply a fair split of assets. If you wish some of his assets ie his half of the house. You need to buy it. If that’s not an option. Then either stay in the marriage or end it and buy/rent your own place.

You must know somewhere in you that your reasoning here is nonsensical. You're clinging to the house for emotional reasons, and it leaves you at risk of making a huge, long-term financial mistake. Keeping the house, even if you manage to do it, isn't going to make the divorce easier or make it hurt less.

I can ‘buy’ him out by giving him my half of his pension, that’s what I’m looking at, and it’s a very big pension according to him.

What does HE want to do?

A settlement doesn’t have to be 50:50 if the parties agree it isn’t. If you both agree that the kids and you should stay in the FMH then it is in his power to leave the house with you, even if that means the overall split is 55:45 or whatever.

I asked this before, and others have said the same - how big is big? And is it final salary or defined contribution? The devil is in the detail.

I looked into this a couple of years ago. My H would have had to find the best part of £2M to put me in an equivalent position because he has a very generous final salary pension, and a large defined contribution pot. Ultimately, we have decided to work on our marriage.

I don't think what you are suggesting is unrealistic, but without the exact figures, no one can say. You need to see a solicitor and get a pensions actuary involved.

But you do not have figures from him? People really do not understand pensions often. Him saying it’s a big pot means nothing unless you have figures.

Op, it’s been said multiple times, you both need the cev of the pension, the cev is much lowe than the size of the pot. Until you have this nothing can be said. You can’t just guess and say it’s big.

Op. If you wish a rough guide use this. If he’s not het claiming his pension, then take what would be if he retired now (not at retirement age) and times it by 20.

so if he retired now and say got 8 k a year (the earlier you retire the less the annual payment) so a rough guide would be 160k,

tnen do the same for your pension. So if you retired today you’d get 4k. So that would be 80 k if times by 20.

you then take the 80k of yours from the 160 of his. And you get 80k, so 40k each.

these are just example numbers, but it gives you a rough guide if you don’t wish to ask him to get the cev. But you will need it for any divorce.

www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk/cevs/estimating-a-cash-equivalent-value-cev-for-a-quotation/

I might have missed this, but do you work? If so - apply for a mortgage

You really need to find out if it's a Defined Contribution pension or a Defined Benefit pension as that will make a big difference to how much you could potentially receive. I work in DB pensions fyi.

It sounds like you need to get all the financial information first. He said his pension is big - but is it large enough that he would settle for taking £0 from the house in exchange for his pension being left alone? It may not be.
Start gathering information. An online calculator may give you a rough idea of how much you could borrow for a mortgage, in order to buy him out.

Get it valued and then see what you can afford. No solicitor in the land would advise him to walk away from the house to save his pensions unless they were worth a LOT of money and if he's close to retirement anyway many just take early retirement and then you have less of a claim over it anyway and he would still have a claim on the house - which is what I would do if I was him