Stepdad Wants mums ashes with ex girlfriends ashes

[Wishiwasstill25]

Hey, wonder if anyone had any advice on the following:
My step dad has made me executor of his will. (He is in his 80s but perfectly healthy right now.) In his will he has stipulated he wants my mums ashes (his ex wife) placed in a plot with both him and his ex partner! The ex partner and he were only together for 4 years, never married and met several years after my mum died. He was married to mum for 30+ years. This new woman was very short term in comparison but he lost he just last year.
Do I have to follow this out? My sister has no clue (we are estranged) but would go mad that our darling mums ashes would be buried with a woman who she never met!!
Any help would be very much appreciated.
Do I get a say over my mums ashes or do I have to bury them based on his request?

He will be dead. Do what you want with her ashes! Just smile sweetly when he mentions it.

You can just ignore that request and do whatever you want with your mum's ashes. He'll be dead so not much he can do!

Was he still married to your mum when she died? If so, those ashes are his and should be buried with him if he wants them to be, imo. If she was his ex wife which I think she may have been as you have referred to her as such and they were no longer together why does he even have the ashes?

Has your mum already died? Was she married to your step father at the time or were they divorced?

Where is he keeping these ashes now? 😬

Exactly what the pp’s said. Smile and nod, then do whatever you think best when he’s gone.

If I had the means, I would split his ashes in half. One half with your mum, and the other with the ex girlfriend. Then offer the latter to her family

Oh Gosh, very similar happened here. My DM died then very quickly DF remarried. DF asked for his ashes to be buried with DM, and then second wife to be added. But, second wife died unexpectedly and DF put half of her in with my DM. Upon his death I’m fairly sure my siblings will ‘put things right’. But for now we just don’t mention it.

Just smile and nod and once he is dead do what you want, which if I was in your shoes would NOT be putting in there with him and a new Partner

Ashes in bin, inter an empty container.
They are all dead, they will never know.
But it might make a lighter moment for you.

OP, he won't know, leave them somewhere that you and your sister choose.

I really do not get this keeping the ashes business!
Either inter them or set them free somewhere. Bury them in the garden with a nice plant, do anything respectful, but put them on the mantle or on top of the wardrobe? No. Just no!
'What's in that box ? Oh the remains of my dead Grandpa - would you like some? Hang on, I will just share them out equally...'
I'm not being funny, I'm aghast.

Thanks all.
Sorry if my original post was unclear.
Mum is dead and they were still married when she died.
he then met someone new a few years later. Mums ashes are in his home in an urn.
Same goes for the new partner.
we will then have 3 sets of ashes!

I was just checking that his will request isn’t legally enforceable?

fuck that!

I might be wrong but most plots (assuming an ashes' plot and not a full grave plot) are for two people. It is possible to get a larger plot for four or more. Just adding this as the practical aspects might affect your decision too. I am not sure if everywhere does the larger plots.

At a cemetery I buried someone in this year, we had a plot that allowed up to three coffins and six lots of ashes in addition

What a nightmare OP. Has the late new partner no relatives who want her ashes when your DF dies? If not I would just scatter the three of them somewhere of your choosing when the time comes. As PP’s mentioned I don’t understand the keeping of ashes at home. We scattered my late parents ashes at a holiday location that they loved as soon as we got the ashes back from the undertaker.

This is the sore of thing my dad would have done given half a chance. I don't think I'd honour his request.

No, the ex partner was estranged from her family so she only had my step dad.

thanks for the advice all, as long as I’m not legally bound, I will follow your advice!

Enforceable by whom?

We have kept my Mum at home simply because we don't really know what to do with her, there are a few places she liked to go but not one stand out place.
She is in a very tasteful container that matches the lounge so I don't mind but we will need to do something with her at some point

When he dies give the partners ashes to their family to do with as they wish.

Id scatter them all in a garden of remembrance. Or somewhere they all liked.

That way they are on the wind so to speak and can fall where they want kind of thing.

Rather than me making a conscious decision as to where to bury them as that's too stressful and they wouldn't want me stressed.

Who knows. Your mum may have looked down from the spirit world and approved that your dad found someone to love once she herself was gone. I wouldn't want a partner lonely without me. I'd want him to be happy.

Could you have a conversation with him and see if there's an alternative he'd be happy with to save you having to make any decisions when the time comes?

He may not have thought of it as 'my mother wouldn't really want to be buried with a lady she didn't know. Would you consider having separate plots or ashes scattered?'

I mean, they'll be gone but I'm just concerned that when the time comes you'll be left with the ashes of your mum and a lady you weren't related to trying to decide the right thing to do. Going against one of their wishes with no other instructions might not feel like the right thing (not saying it necessarily wouldn't be but just thinking it might be a difficult decision).

I think if he's compos mentis, it might be a better idea to at least attempt to settle this now. It's your mum, your opinion matters.

And was it his ex by the way or his late unmarried partner, out of interest?

Well, late ex