Ex wants to see children after two years

[Mu11]

Hi, my ex has texted recently to ask to see our children. He has been absent for the past 2 1/2 years.
He ceased seeing them after a mental health issue and was sectioned for a few months. He has a diagnosis of BPD
He hasn’t asked to see them since until now. He has texted the older two on occasion 17 and 16. To which they have rarely responded. The 12 year old has phoned him a couple of times but he has never initiated. The youngest 7 has autism and with a significant global delay. So he has not had any contact in those two years. I very much doubt that he remembers his dad. He is also non verbal.
None of the older 3 want contact and definitely do not want to see him in person. The younger one his dad would be a stranger at best.
After his initial text of asking to seeing them, I replied asking why now? Expecting some response of how he feels ready to be back in their lives and the impact etc.
Instead he stated his intent to see the children and build on the relationship they had. Implying also that if I don’t do it amicably he would make it happen anyway.

My question is how likely are the courts likely to force the two younger children to see him? Also how should/ should I respond to his last text.

You chose to have children with him and yes parents do have rights to see their children that would not be a surprise to anyone, you are best seeking legal advice

Do you have a compelling reason for him not to see them? Aka he's abusive or a risk? If not it's likely a court would order contact, regardless of length of time, for younger two. I'd seek legal advice.

You put the children's best interests first. Both you and he need to do this. This isn't about power or rights or one-up-man-ship between the two of you. You both do what will best help the children.

Clearly he didn't choose to have such overwhelming mental health issues. However the children (at least some of them) probably felt abandoned and rejected by his disappearance and would benefit from a gradual reintroduction and an opportunity to understand that he loves them and didn't mean to leave them.

It might be that the child who has more significant neurodiversity and development issues wouldn't be able to benefit in the same way.

I think some kind of mediation service might be able to help the two of you to work out a very gentle plan forward. The courts certainly shouldn't force immediate regular stay-overs but courts can be irrational sometimes so better to keep thing open and amicable to avoid court if possible.

Parents have responsibilities not rights. Pretty sure at 12 the court will listen to wishes of the child. The younger one is trickier, does he have a social worker/ support team involvement? I’d get them onside focus on what is best for him. I’d personally want any contact to be supported by them possibly in a contact centre.

Id be super bland in all communications, don’t give him ammunition or someone to fight with and there is a good chance he will get bored/ lose interest. I’d reply to her s text and suggest mediation so that you can both begin to work together in the best interests of the children. Takes time to pay for/ organise so will give you some time. Also he might give up at the first hurdle.

Children have rights, parents have responsibilities.

Legally also parents have rights

Morally I would agree with you but if parents do what is right for children the sadly has to step as it seems to have to do constantly

The two years prior I spent a lot of time and energy facilitating and encouraging contact. To which he was always inconsistent. He caused a lot of emotional turmoil for the older two particularly during this time and prior. I feel guilt for what I allowed them to go through, by encouraging them to go with him. Because I felt I should be fair and try and keep both parents in their lives and the hope he would take the opportunity to be a good dad.
In the time in which he has been absent there is stability and we are a happy family unit. So yes selfishly I do not want him to come back in and cause distress and upset when me and my children have worked so hard on creating a happy stable life.

No social worker. He goes to a special school and has other professionals involved. They aware that there has not been any contact for some time.
With him there is not the issue of emotional upset as he is not attached in that way. But really me being able to trust that he will be cared for correctly in the time that he is away from me.
Thank you for your advice I will be bland in my responses and try to see if he will organise mediation and contacts centres.

Yes parents of rights, but if you don’t play a part in your children’s lives for 2 years and were a bit rubbish prior to that I don’t have much sympathy I’m afraid. He’s chosen to be absent so the consequence to that is a non-existent relationship with his children.

If he’s got a history of inconsistent contact, is he likely to be consistent enough to build up contact slowly and reliably? There’s nothing worse for kids than wanting and expecting to see your parent and then constantly being let down by them. You know his personality type, if he’ll just fizzle away again I’d not rush into contacting him then offer small amounts of contact, maybe starting with phone calls etc IF the older ones want to. If he doesn’t stick to the schedule he misses time. He can’t change days or time. Strangely, having children takes commitment and if he can’t be bothered to consistently speak to his children, he doesn’t get to have a good relationship with them. He doesn’t have a legal right to mess his kids around. Everyone always says “He’s got a right to see his children…” then in the next sentence “…best interest of the children…” but never appreciate that not having to go through inconsistent and unreliable contact is actually the best thing for the child.

Supervised contact to begin with and you could maybe send him a really detailed list of everything your youngest DC will need and ask that he memorises it so nothing is missed as being properly looked after is absolutely in the best interest of the child!!

The 16- & 17-year-old can do whatever they want.

The courts will take the views of your 12-year-old and 7-year-old children into account, but they won't necessarily follow them. Your 12-year-old's views will carry more weight than your 7-year-old's.

Many thanks for the constructive advice. I replied with just the facts of the children’s wishes of not wanting contact. He has said he will respect there choice and has not ask about the youngest. So hopefully that is it for now.

Good! I know there’s a “proper” way to do things but really, sometimes, it is best for the child to not have the uncertainty of contact with their useless dad. I think quite often, the reality of how involved actual parenting is becomes enough to put some dads off. If you can’t be bothered to see them every week, your kid is better off without you.

Ignore him and carry on with your life 😊

This is an old thread. I’m sure you have done the right thing from a practical point of view - the situation followed its own course - and I don’t think you should do anymore.
I’m only speaking up to take a slightly different tone from some of the other comments which - in general - I do agree with. However “useless” your ex has been in terms of day-to-day parenting, as your children emerge into adult life, he will still be their dad. I think it’s easy as adults, dealing with the enormous job of being a single parent and an ex with MH problems (been there!), to forget that inside the children’s heads and hearts, no matter what, he is their father. They are literally 50% made of the same stuff as him. They will never truly be “without him” at some level. And they are going to need to come to their own understanding and perspective of this in their own lives.
FWIW, my experience is that it pays huge dividends with the children, to model for them inviolable respect for the fact that a father is a father. Obviously, they need to be completely realistic about their expectations of him. And no they don’t have to see him if they don’t want to at aged 16 and 17. But he will likely reach out to them off and on throughout their adult life and they will have to face this question again and again. I do think it’s best for them if they can learn - best of all from you - to respond to that kindly and with respect for the fact, he is their dad. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing for all time.

Thank you for your thoughts I appreciate the sentiment. The reality is as as we approach 3 years of him not actually attempting to have contact his two older children, nor his youngest. Only the 12 year old with the occasional text, which absolutely made her feel rejected and replaced. Again I spent weeks giving her the tools and love to regain her self worth.

As a man who volunteers for a mental health charity and teaches teens children sport. His inability to understand how his words and actions may cause damage to his own child is shocking.

He has not supported them emotionally, physically or financially. They owe him nothing, they do not owe him kindness respect or understanding. Just because they share DNA.
Hell they owe me nothing but they return what I give to them.

My job is to teach them what love truly is and accepting less than the bear minimum is not love. Following that road will only bring them darkness and allow them to accept mistreatment. To let them know that there fathers problems and pain are not theirs to carry. I hope I send them out into the world with self worth and a voice.

I held on to hope of change for many years, I have only just let go of that hope that he might step up and be any kind of a father. I will not pass the trap of hope on. He will pop up from time to time and they will have my full support however they choose to handle the situation.

Certainly, they don’t owe him anything. And I didn’t mean to imply they did, because of DNA or for any other reason. Your words sound very wise - especially about love, and what it’s not; and hope - how necessary it is to give it up. I guess I was just saying (in response to some other comments, and not at all that you need to hear this) that having a father who is as you describe, is itself an absolutely huge thing for the children. And it’s not IMO ever as simple as saying, “He’s useless, you are better off without!” It’s more like, “He is what he is. He won’t change. And that is not your fault or my fault. In a way, it’s not even his fault. It is just who he is. I’m so glad I met him: I couldn’t have had you without him. So, I’ll never regret, that he is your dad. One day you will be old enough to make your own choices about contact for him. For now, that’s my responsibility and my decision about that is (whatever, I’m blocking him on your phone).” I’ve had to say each of these things at different times to my own children. I just would never say to them, “He’s useless, you are better off without.” I don’t think that’s fair to them. It sounds like you wouldn’t either.