Narc ex threatening me with court

[Wisemama007]

Narc ex is threatening me with solicitor letters and the possibility of court.

He is going abroad to live with his new girlfriend for approximately 6 months. She already lives abroad. He has not told me about the new girlfriend, our 7 year old son did. All he has said to me is that he has been offered an opportunity to work abroad.

He has stated that all of his parental time with our son will be passed to our sons grandparents. Even though he is going 'temporarily' he wants to change all of our sons current school holiday arrangements.

I have said his parental time will automatically go back to me, as I am the mother. But that I will ensure he has regular contact, overnight stays and dinners after school with dad's parents. I have said no to changing the holiday arrangements as his work arrangements are only temporary, so I see no reason too. Every time he gets into a new relationship he consistently changes our sons routine to fit in with his new one and it is becoming increasingly unhealthy.

At present the school half-term holidays are split. We get 5 days each. The Easter holidays are split, a week each. Summer holidays are tricky as he has fought and fought for 14 days. But our son had 10 days with him last year and came back unconsolable. He was so upset that he hadn't seen me in a long time. I had expressed my concerns but was made out to be a liar. This year we are trying for 12 days, even though I disagreed. But he fought me for 3 months over this and I gave in. We currently share Christmas. One parent has our son from Christmas Eve from 10am until 3pm Christmas Day. Then the other parent has 3pm Christmas day until end of boxing day. Both of us have time either side.

He has said he wants all of Christmas week next year (again to fit in with him and his new gf routine). I know our son would be devastated to not see me for any of the Christmas week. As he has done for 7 nearly 8 years now.

I have currently been representing myself as I cannot afford a solicitor. I'm anxious and feeling sick over all of this as they genuinely believe I am in the wrong and are willing to take this to court.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation or can anyone offer any solid advice to help me get through all of this.

Thank you.

Your self diagnosis of your ex as a narc is irrelevant. Why is every poor ex these days a narc. Please don't call him a narc in court it will look bad.

He's wrong. Grandparents don't have parental responsibility. grandparents have no automatic, legal rights or responsibilities to care for their grandchildren. But they can apply to the court for them.

I doubt the court will give the Grandparents 50/50. That's ridiculous.

I doubt they'll look favourably on him abandoning his child either.

Technically the GPs can apply to court for contact but they won't get 50/50.

Source- I am a solicitor though not a family specialist I admit. I did work on a case involving grandparent contact when I did my trainee seat.

I have used the terminology of a narcissist as he is one. Its also useful to those that understand this type of behaviour and can therefore offer advice based on similar circumstances or experiences of someone like this. As he's manipulative, controlling and will conduct himself one way with me and then will pretend to be someone else with others. Sometimes when people offer advice, it's not applicable or appropriate when dealing with people who have narcissistic traits.

If court were to entertain this, I would of course not use this terminology.

I have stated to them that I would ensure grandparents maintain regular contact with our son and I'm happy to promote that in every way. But again because they don't want me to have the last say and it's about them controlling the narrative and being the ones to decide, I'm stuck.

You said he was going away for six months.

Agree to the changes. Then when he's gone, change your mind.

You will be the only one with PR in the country, so what will he do from abroad?

If you think he's a manipulator, play him at his own game.

@JustAnotherLawyer2 He has got himself a Solicitor and I have been receiving letters from them on his behalf. He has stated to them that I am being difficult and taking our son away from his routine with his Grandparents when he moves abroad.
However the order we have in place is only for us, our sons parents.
I have also said I will ensure our son has contact, including over night stays with his parents but I not parenting with them and putting a set schedule in place.
I'm struggling to understand how what I'm saying is the unthinkable thing to do.
It's all about control and manipulation.
Thank you for your reply, but I fear if I went back on my words to the Solicitor it would reflect badly on me.

You need a solicitor. Of course grandparents aren’t subs. Why not go to court? Call his bluff. How is he fulfilling his responsibility by going abroad? He isn’t is he?

I imagine he will be back before it gets to court. Two year wait where I live.

Thanks for responding @TizerorFizz
I can't afford a Solicitor. I did manage to get some free advice. They did ensure me that I'm not doing anything wrong, but with cases like this and dealing with someone who has money to take this further and would willingly do so, just to gain power can be very difficult and emotionally challenging.
His plans change constantly depending on who is with at the time. There is never any thought on what is best for our son. The constant need to change plans and routines to suit him is becoming exhausting.

Are the letters from his solicitor just "warnings" or "notice" of taking you to court? If he hasn't filed anything by now he likely won't before leaving. Tell him you will stick to the court ordered plan and insist communication goes through parenting app.

Where abouts is ‘abroad’ is he planning on taking him there, does he not have to have your permission to take him out of the country?

@ClickClickety the letters from his solicitor are just 'warnings' at the moment. He is due to leave the UK in September.
@Billybagpuss at the moment, I don't believe he is going to take our son to where is is moving to as he has not mentioned this. Regarding permission, as he has parental responsibility as our sons dad he is allowed to take him out of the country.

First of all the solicitor will, within reason write anything he wants them to, it means nothing. Mine ex claimed I had kidnapped him. What he actually meant was I reported him to the police for violence and they arrested him!
Secondly check out if a mackenzie friend could help respond or in court.
The court will be interested with what's best for the child and a constantly changing routine is not.
I would stick yo what is reasonable and the rest he can't take you to court for. Good luck.

Keep records and a timeline.

Let him crack in if he wants to go to court.

If he is a narcissist, just try and be boring. Don't react. (I know it's hard).

Looks like he's just using his lawyer to bully you then. Ignore and don't give him a minute more than court agreed.

Hopefully your Son has a passport and that you've got it safe, as if he hasn't, you don't want your ex applying for a passport without your knowledge ( although I'm unsure if both separated parents have to sign their child's passport) and taking him out of the Country.

currently, when your son is with his dad, do his parents do the bulk of the actual childcare? Becuase that might make a court more inclined to say this is okay.

however, i would say that overall, no court is going to decide that the dad can just decide someone else has custody in his absence, and certainly not at 50/50.

And he hasn't actually gone to court - if he does have narcissistic tendencies, the threat is often the main stick they use to beat you with so until he DOEs take yo to court (50/50 likelihood), I would be inclined to ignore that.

Re taking him out of the country, technically both parents with PR have to giver permission for a child to be taken out of the country. In practical terms, while one parent might often get asked, if he/she can produce evidence of parental responsibility such as a birth certificate, they are seldom stopped. I believe however that if you think your ex might take him out of the coutnry without your permission you can flag this to the authorities in advance. You would have to research that.

As for swapping holiday/christmas plans arond - i fyou have court ordered system in place, he's going to have to produce real and meaningful evidence for the court as to why the changes are necessary and appropriate. Unfortunately, if he has moved, the court may well decide that is a legitimate reason to change things. But on the plus side, him basically abandoning your DS is goign to work in your favour.

I assume he wants his parents to have 50/50 so he doesn't have to start paying maintenance?

Family courts are used to self representation so don't be intimidated by the fact he has a solicitor.
He wants to change the court ordered arrangements then it's up to him to persuade the court that this should be done.
You are being reasonable and facilitating relationship with grand parents and it is not reasonable for you to not have access to your son for long periods during holidays etc.
I'd just stop engaging now. Write back and lay out what you are prepared to do and make sure in your letter that you say

• you understand he is working abroad temporarily
• you are prepared to be flexible within reason
• ypu will support facilitating a relationship with grandparents
• however you are the parent with PR and therefore if he's unable to take the DS due to his choosing to work abroad then you will have DS stay at yours
• you are preparedto alter holidays arrangements to be x y z for the period he is abroad

Leave it at that. Let him decide if he wants to take you to court and btw if he's going in September it ain't gonna happen before then as courts are rammed !

All of this.

Also as it won't get to court by then, I'm trying to see how this goes. Grandparents turn up to collect child. You refuse to hand over child. What are they goign to do? Call the police? Police turn up. Here's how that convo goes:

Police: what's the problem here?
Grandparent: we are here to collect our grandchild. Our bitch ex DIL won't give him to us?
Police: M'am is this true?
You: Yes
Police: Do you have parental responsibility?
You: Yes
POlice (to grandparents): do you have parental responsibility?
Grandparent: Our son is abroad and he wants us to have the child in his contact time.
POlice: But your son is not actually here to supervise or oversee this contact?
grandparents: NO. But it's our right to have our grandchild when he would
Police: WTF?

Let him take you to court. Odds are he might not, however if he wants to leave the country for six months he is entitled to, but he must understand he leaves you as the only person in the country with parental responsibility and as such you will be able to decide what is best for your child. If he wants to lean in and parent, he will need to be present to do so.

I would let him take you to court, I don't think he has much of a leg to stand on. I think I would write back to the solicitors with your one and only reasonable offer as you have outlined and PP has also said and say this is your only offer and you welcome them to begin court proceedings if they believe you are being unreasonable and believe their chances of success are high.

His solicitor is being paid by the hour, he will go back and forth making loads of money out of supporting your ex's weird and wonderful views of fairness.

A solicitor will write whatever they are told to.

My relative received a letter from her ex’s solicitor demanding access to her full medical history (and access to her medical record going forward!). The judge reprimanded him in court for that.

One poster on here received a solicitor’s letter demanding she stops closing her curtains as her ex couldn’t see into the house.

Doesn’t mean there’s a legal basis for the letter.

what is your relationship with your ex's parents like? You've said you're willing to facilitate a relationship, including overnight. I'm hoping that means you broadly get on with them? Do they really want your DS 50% of the time? is this all about him trying to ensure that he doesn't have to pay more and/or that when he comes back he can slot back into his 50/50 approach?

Is it at all possible to speak with them? I fully understand that might NOT be an option, not least because if he is a narcissist there's a good chance his parents are part of the problem.

I would also be inclined to ignore most of what he says at this point. Narcissists do like to use threats to control people. It's also true that while you were in the relationship, he probably did a good job of ensuring you constantly questioned yourself because he convinced you that YOU were the problem or had behaved badly. So it's hard to break those patterns, even years later. If and when it goes to court, you can explain to the judge why you don't think his plan is a good idea due to some combination of:

• your son not having that close a relationship with grandparents so would struggle with being with them so much after significantly less time recently
• Your son would be with neither parent, and would feel abandoned
• You have agreed processes in place but your ex is choosing to leave the country and choosing not to spend time with your son so even more than normal he needs to be with you
• etc etc

-

Oh yes. I've been on a long running thread of a poster whose ex is trying to get her to pay him back her "share" of the petrol for family holidays they took while they were together - 10 years ago. Solicitor keeps writing.... It's ridiculous.

Don't panic. Family court isn't like a criminal or civil court where someone is guilty or not. Its not like being sued, so the 'take you to court' thing is just an attempt at intimidation. They are very used to self-representation. There is a long wait for 'private' cases like this. He'll probably be home by then.

Family courts look at the best interests of the child. Dad fucking off for months isn't going to look great from that point of view.

It sounds like you are going to be very reasonable. He can't pass on his access time to someone else.

Solicitors will write whatever their client will pay for.

Just let him take you to court. I'd be surprised if the case even gets heard before he's back.

Try and document all the times he has changed / tried to change arrangements in the past to suit his whims and circumstances, then changed again. The flakier and less concerned with his child's stability he is, the less the court will be inclined to listen to him.