RP (no coa) NRP won't stick to arrangements.

[Sunsparkles]

I guess this is going to be more of a rant than a question. Apologies in advance! 😬

The simple version of my situation is that I'm the RP by default, I have and continue to facilitate my ex, the NRP having ample contact time with our children (9&6yrs). He is not a bad father (not great, but I've seen WAY worse). The problem is that he seems to have an obsession over me having, or to his preference not having, a social life. When the kids are with me I barely do anything "social" with the exception of play dates etc. But when the kids are with their Dad I see my partner (Been together 2yrs, met the kids but doesn't see them regularly. Split with my ex, kids dad 4.5yrs ago). My ex is constantly making changes to the schedule of when he sees, or doesn't see the kids, but it's always about which gf he's currently with or whether he's single, and when I refuse to make the changes because I have made plans he does what he wants anyway, and moans about how I should be putting the kids first and it's not all about my social life. All I want is for him to stick to an agreed schedule so that we can ALL make plans. It's not that he doesn't want to see the kids, but it's always for to be in his terms, and if we have an agreement then he just changes his mind there isn't a damned thing I can do about it. My partner and I planned a 10day holiday in September, based on the annual schedule for child arrangements that my ex and I both agreed to in Feb this year. Last week he decided that he's not going to have the children that week now because he's moving in with his new gf (they've been together 3 months) and it wouldn't be fair on the children!) So I can't go on holiday. Just like that. Yet he can book a holiday on a whim and just not have the kids. He's giving all the Dads out there that have to fight for time with their children a bad name!! 🤬 And also, where is the legal system protecting the kids from this? I am not a parent who would just dump their kids on the other parent, resident or not, but what if I wasn't in the fortunate position I am in, with a flexible job and family support....the ex agreed to having the kids based on a schedule that wouldn't around his shift pattern and means the school holidays can be covered by both of us equally. But now he's changed his mind on some dates, so despite not being at work, I am when the kids are off school, but he won't have them so I have to find and pay for childcare!

Urgh, this rant doesn't even come close to explaining it all....but if anyone else has similar experience I'd love to know I'm not alone, even if there is nothing that the legal system can do to help.

I'm sorry, and it is frustrating. The legal system will give him days he gets to spend with thr children, but when he chooses not to use them, there is feck all they do. RP can be taken to court for not complying, and yet NRP can cancel whenever for whatever, with absolutely no consequence. It is shit, and I'm so sorry your holiday is cancelled. I assume there are no grandparents who could be begged to step in?

As I said I'm very lucky and yes my parents have offered to step in, the holiday itself isn't the issue as such, but it demonstrates the type of issues caused. Also my ex is throwing it back at me saying I'm 'dumping the kids" on them and that I'm so selfish for doing that rather than putting the kids first. It's so frustrating because there is no way to hold him to his responsibility as a parent....we might be divorced now, but WE chose to have not one but two children - it wasn't immaculate conception, it was a well considered and thought through plan to start a family. Why does he now get to pick and choose when he wants to take on that responsibility and there is no accountability. Honestly, if he can't stick to a pre-arranged schedule then why can't I (or the court) withdraw his access until he can show he is reliable. I don't want to stop the kids seeing their Dad, in fact I think it's important. But with them as priority I also think it's ok for me to have some time too, I'm a person in my own right, not just a mum. If the ex didn't want to see the kids, or only rarely wanted to see them I could readily accept not having my own time, the kids come first. But he does want to see them, but only when it suits him and sod them, me or anyone else that impacts on. I think it's all about control over me, at the end of last year we had to go to mediation because he was trying to get more time with the kids than I was comfortable with (he works shifts so it would have been really disruptive for the kids, I did say I'd agree to 50:50 shared care if he worked a standard m-f working week), we came to an agreement for this full calendar year in Jan, in Feb he was threatening court for 50:50 again, by March he met someone new, by last month they were moving in together and the whole schedule of time he has the kids has been reduced by half. Not only that we have CMS agreement in place for 2-3 nights a week (based on the agreed calendar) but as it's now changed (again!), he actually has never and will not through this year, have had or have them more than 1-2 nights....and I can't get CMS to change the payments because we don't have a CMO in place and ex won't agree that the change has happened!!!! I feel like I'm doing all the right things and there is no-one that can help me. All I want is an agreement and for him to stick to it for more than 3 months 😩

Go to court, get a cao, show them the texts with him cancelling. If he doesn’t stick to agreed dates do not swap. Become totally inflexible and don’t tell him your plans.

Don't debate with him about being selfish The law won't make him have the children, so unfortunately childcare plans need to be with someone other than him. And he can see the children when it's convenient to you if he can't stick to arranged times.

Exactly this. There is no need for him to know your plans or for you and him to discuss anything other than when he has the children. Luckily you have a child care option which is none of his business if you use it.

If he says he can’t do a week, log it and do what you need to do.

whether or not you go back to court I would use this as a trigger to change your coparenting interactions. Reduce it to the bare minimum of information exchange and use an app if you need to. Don’t even give him a reason why, it’s not something you need to explain or justify.

The less and less contactable you are, the less he can dump his problems on to you and start an argument with you.

For example, in terms of the holiday, I would have just failed to have acknowledged his decision not to have the children that week and let him stew on his problem. Tbh what are you supposed to reply to that. He expects you to jump in with solutions and arguments. Don’t give him that. Just say nothing and offer nothing.

Honestly come September tell him it's EOW from now and Wednesdays overnight, if he's not happy take you to court.

Then block him he will either turn up or not.

Back to CMS with evidence of when he has had actually had them.

There is nothing like telling him no that will make him demand his rights.

You still can't enforce him to collect but it gives you and the DC more stability over contact time.

Even if you have a court order, your ex can still decide not to have the children if he wants to ruin your hands. And the courts really won't care.

CMS won't make the change unless we have a CAO or ex agreed to the change in overnights. I have piles of evidence, they aren't interested and won't accept anything else!

I don't engage with anything other than child specific arrangements....he has told me he will be having the children from school occasionally just for the evening when it works for him because there will otherwise be periods of up to 4 weeks where he won't see them. I haven't yet, but once I receive the email stating when he expects to see them he will be told a flat out no!

As for the calendar from Jan forwards, I have tried in the past to just give him the schedule and be done with it, he turns up or he doesn't. But when I do that he refuses to have the kids during school holidays and still picks and chooses when he'll turn up. He knows him doing that makes it difficult for me, that's why he is doing it. I think anyway, I can't see any other reason why he won't stick to an agreed schedule.

Like others have said, going to court isn't worth it really, there isn't anything they can enforce. Except maybe for the CMS, but come sept he might change his mind and tell CMS he accepts the change then anyway.

Just want to know if this is a unique situation or if others have the same frustrations?? If I was single perhaps I would just tell him he can't have access unless he becomes more reliable, and it would just be me and my kids and sod him! Just so frustrating that there's no recourse.

So when he turns up outside the schedule you say no if it doesn't suit you.

You need to completely grey rock here.

Assume he is not ever going to have them. Use childcare and friends and family etc.

I would take it to court to amend the CMS. He is using contact to emotionally abuse you and the DC so mediation should be signed off.

You offer the minimum overnights as per what he has been doing for the last year or so and he is "welcome to have additional days or evenings if it fits with the DC plans"

when he turns up outside the schedule you say no if it doesn't suit you.