Child access

[Worriedprimarycaregiver]

Hi there, I’m considering leaving my partner but we share a 17month old together. I’d have to move back to my parents so would be 1hr 20mins away from father. I’m wondering what access would likely be granted/ reasonable?
Child is still breastfed and relies on this for all sleep. Still wakes up multiple times a night for a feed. Father has never put her down for bed or even a nap. He’s also doesn’t take LO out by himself. LO only wants me if upset etc. He’s very short tempered with LO and get frustrated quickly. I can’t bare the thought of them being left to cry or getting shouted at/sworn at. At the moment I’m always there to intervene and stop this. Father works Monday to Friday and I don’t work. I have no idea what access he’d be looking for. TIA

At this age something like a day every weekend would be typical, but that doesn't necessarily mean that would be the outcome in your case. As your child gets older, the amount of contact would be likely to increase. Unless he doesn't want it or there are good reasons why it shouldn't happen, he will eventually get overnight contact.

That would be terrible for fathers who have been active parents and who want time with their children.
The state sides with the mother, deprives the father of contact and then treat him like scum for being an "absent father" (see the mega thread where some mum is complaining CS isn't enough as she's only getting ~£750 a month from her ex).

If the father tried to maintain contact, then in my case it took 18 months to go through the courts (and DC was now nearly 3). At the court mum offered me weekends Friday to Sunday and one night a week.
When I declined this and asked for 50-50 (we both worked) the judge punished me (and the children) by dropping the 1 night a week to 1 evening a week for 3 months - yet he was happy for me to have the children overnight on the weekends.

You could just move out and take the child with you - the father probably won't be able to do anything about it until the end of the court process - by which time you've established the status quo.
Without evidence the court won't listen to you saying the father's a bad parent, all mothers say that in court, but they'll assume it's the woman's role to look after the child anyway.

@FrazzledQuoka Your comments about the £750 child maintenance is unfair. The OP wouldn’t get government help towards the cost of nursery and £750 is less than half of the cost of full time nursery. Mum and dad need a full time nursery place in order to work full time. Why is it fair for the OP to pay more than half of the cost of nursery when dad earned more and needs their child to be in nursery in order to earn a living too?

Plus the father in that thread isn’t actually paying anything. Thats just what CMS have assessed - currently he’s fucked off and isn’t paying a cent.

I agree. I'm in a similar position to that poster and I'm livid I'm paying for everything for the child while his father splits rent and goes on holiday constantly with his new gf

Op if you tell him your land he can put an emergency court order in place to block you from moving. Do you think he would?

Morally, as you're moving far away I think you should be willing to do a chunk of the travel required to maintain your daughter's relationship with her dad especially when she's older (now it probably wouldn't be in her best interest to be sat in a car for 3 hour round trip so dad should travel to visit her, but be as accommodating as you can)

That would be terrible for fathers who have been active parents and who want time with their children.

Not the case here for OP. And the child is breastfed still and waking in the night. Preventing that would be extremely cruel to the child (the important person in this)

The state sides with the mother, deprives the father of contact and then treat him like scum for being an "absent father"

Actually, it's shown time and time again that if a father bothers to, they they're the one that gets preferential treatment in the courts. Women are assumed to just get on with it, men get their pick of contact times, and no sanctions if they don't bother.

Yes there are plenty of examples of horrible fathers getting outrageously good treatment from the courts, but I'm not convinced that's the norm. As far as I know there are no good stats about this. Society assumes the mother should be the primary carer and judges reflect society.

Because of this bias fathers will presumably normally only go to court if they feel they've an excellent case and the mother is really unfit, or if they're prepared to spend a huge amount on lawyers. I guess it also depends on how much each parent is able to spend on lawyers - which may explain some of the times judges have sided with fathers.

In my case I think I spent a similarly eye watering amount as my ex, and after 18 months the judge spent a while saying, yes I was an excellent dad, yes mum had mislead the court and made ridiculous complaints, before he then gave mum more time than she'd asked for. The CMS did then at times take the majority of my pay - after housing & utility expenses - which was adding insult to injury. (and not ideal as I still had to feed, clothe and entertain the kids when I had them and was supporting a new wife and baby)

The secrecy of the courts makes it hard to know, but there are plenty of dads who've lost their children and been broken trying to fight to be allowed to fulfil their shared responsibility to raise them. The only ones you tend to hear about are broken nutters who're climbing Big Ben or whatever - you won't hear about those who quietly just do their best with whatever time they're allowed.

I did call him a scumbag or similar in that thread, and it's bizzare that he's worried about anyone hearing he's involved with the CMS. From the story in that thread it's not fair on her now, but it's also not fair on fathers who want to co-parent but are prevented. (again OP is suggesting her partner is worse than useless too).

However the mother in that thread will find the £750 a month goes a lot further once she's getting free childcare, and from the sound of it has sufficient means to cope for the couple of years until then.

OP - has your partner always been like this?
In my experience 14-18 months is the hardest time with children.
You expect to be a sleep deprived wreck for the first 9 months but although you may get more sleep after the first year you're still getting even more worn down. Tired people are short-tempered and easily frustrated - both mums and dads.

Might it get better once you've both got more sleep? If not then perhaps the sooner you separate the better, I think divorce/separation is worse the older a child gets, (parents staying together but hating each other and rowing is even worse).

To be perfectly honest, and this just just my experience and that of friends who have been through the court system.

The courts seem to be very dad sided currently. No talk to abuse/shit parenting etc hold any weight unless you have police records. And quite honestly, even then it is disregarded.

What sort of contact schedule would you be looking for ?

How old is the child? Still breastfeeding doesn't necessarily indicate a baby- as I think k the assumption is from most posters. Ideally you'd work out a schedule between you. If you can't do that then he can involve the courts.

@SD1978 - the child's 17 months, but is having to be breastfed to sleep every time and is waking up multiple times a night which sounds a nightmare.

If OP hasn't had a nights sleep in 17 months she deserves a sainthood for not axe-murdering her partner and everyone else within a 5 mile radius.

If her partner's not had proper sleep either he'll be ratty too. If OP's relying on breast feeding the child to sleep and won't ever let the child cry, then her partner's not going to be able to put the child to bed is he? I half get the impression that OP would also not let him change nappies as he'd do it wrong (which may or may not be true). So perhaps dad's not had much time to bond. (or perhaps he was always going to be a useless waste of oxygen - never taking the child out on his own suggests this - if he'd be allowed to).

The father may also have different views on if it's ok to allow a child to cry especially at bed time. Views will vary here but some people accept that sometimes leaving children to cry isn't so terrible. Shouting at infants is not ok tho, and swearing is a red flag too.

Without knowing the partner we can't judge how bad he is - perhaps OP's priority should be sleep, and then once she has that making a decision on her future?
Take nipper back without partner to parents, and stay for a week with them, get their help and get some sleep?

@FrazzledQuoka- thanks- I genuinely read the OP twice and missed that both times!

Thanks everyone. @FrazzledQuoka you are definitely jumping to conclusions there, I’m absolutely happy for him to change nappies etc and he does do this. I would be delighted if he would take LO out to the park or something, no objection. When LO was wee I would pump and he could give bottles which he liked, but unfortunately LO started refusing bottles and I also found pumping exhausting so ended up only breastfeeding after a few months. So I definitely haven’t tried to stop them bonding. I’ve encouraged it. He Is definitely not useless, just needs to grow up a bit (he’s not young) and prioritise family over his hobbies. He didn’t have a good example of a father growing up so it’s all new to him.
He doesn’t wake up overnight 99% of the time and that’s ok as he has work in the morning. Yes it would be lovely to get a night of unbroken sleep but it’s not as horrendous as it sounds as we cosleep so I don’t actually have to get up and can snooze while LO feeds. It definitely takes its toll but I see it as a short season of life and LO is getting the comfort they need. I’d be happy for partner to try rocking her to sleep or something so we can both do it. In fact this would take the pressure off me and be reassuring to know he can do it. He just needs to be patient enough to stick at it and not just expect lo to fall asleep while he watches tv or something.
We don’t hate each other at all.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum i didn’t know that, I would hope not as I moved to the area with him when his job got moved and he knows I would have nowhere else to go, but you just don’t know how people will react. If it was the other way round I would do everything possible to keep my child near. TBH I really hope to get things back on track, we had a rough few days which made me anxious and wanted to plan for the worst but hopefully we can be a happy family again with work from us both.

@username47985 i honestly have no idea and hopefully it won’t ever be something we have to discuss. Just the idea of overnights worry me at the moment when breastfeeding is LO’s only comfort as they have no interest in dummies or comforters and only want me.