Messed up consent situation

[Chark99]

Probably the wrong board but clutching at straws. One of my teenage DC (over age of consent) slept with an adult who is intellectually impaired. I know that this is an absolute mess and I’m now quite worried about the outcome of it all. I only found out about it and I am very unsure of next steps.
It’s become quite clear to me they my DC is obviously not as mature as I had expected them to be and I’m dreading what will happen next. I’m mortified but I am considering reaching out to the other family (who are aware as far as I know). DC insists that it was all consensual but clearly misses that there are multiple factors (alcohol) that make this all very very dodgy.
This will 100% get out and I want to take the right steps. Surely talking to the other party will be the right thing to do? Thank you

Is there anything to suggest the other party cannot actually consent? Or wasn't aware what they were consenting too?

Some people are so severely mentally impaired that they are deemed by law as unable to consent. If the other person is not in that category, the question is whether they understood what they were consenting to. If they understood and your child did not pressure them, it is unlikely that an offence was committed. Alcohol is only relevant if the person concerned was so drunk that they were unable to consent. In general, drunken consent is still consent. It only ceases to be consent if the party concerned is so drunk that they could not understand what they were consenting to.

Honestly I am not sure how significant the impairment is but it’s noticeable in day to day interactions. I think I’ll try to have a conversation with them because this is making so very unforgettable.

A female relative of DH's had sex with a man age 17 and as she is impaired The Police did consider charging the man with rape ( we think it was actually part of a grooming attempt) but as the girl had never had an official diagnosis they were unable to proceed. She is very obviously impaired but her Mum was in denial for a long time and refused to seek a diagnosis for her.
So OP, I suppose it depends on a diagnosis but I am not an expert

Capacity is issue specific. Just because someone is intellectually disabled doesn't mean they can't consent to sex. Honestly I would talk to your son about the issues of consent and where lines of understanding may be more difficult to navigate. But unless you think she didn't understand or he pressured her I wouldn't do anything. Did he use a condom?

If they both wanted to do it, amd are old enough then what is the problem

Your responsibility is to and for your son. Unless you have a specific relationship with the other person, it's completely inappropriate to talk to them. They will have other people more appropriate to talk to.

You need to talk to your son and explain why it's so especially important to understand consent when there is an imbalance of power such as intellectual disability, age or other.

Because some people are deemed unable to consent to sex no matter how old they are

I appreciate that I haven’t given a lot of context which probably didn’t help. It’s my DD who got into this situation, not that it matters much. It is going to be a mess either way and I’m simply worried about the aftermath of it all. I understand that it doesn’t seem like a big deal to most people which does reassure me a bit but not totally.
But thank you all

So your daughter (age?) had sex with another adult (age?) who was what? A friend? A colleague? An employee? A subordinate? Context matters.

The other adults parents already know? Have they contacted you?

Why is it a mess? Is the other person saying they didnt consent?

No they haven’t contacted me (yet). Yes DD is 17 and slept with a man who I estimate to be around 30. I’m not 100% sure of his exact age but he is way older but definitely impaired but I now I don’t know how severe it is.
DD insists that is was all consensual but that his sibling got angry about it when they realised. She is upset but doesn’t realise why all of this is so problematic. They had also both been drinking so there is definitely “fault” on both sides. I just don’t know if this can really be turned against my DD.

Ok, so are they saying he lacks the ability to consent?

OK I may be flamed, but do NOT talk to the family. You don't want to raise a potential legal issue with them that may not be in their minds. Plus, you may say something that could be detrimental to your DD if the police do get involved. If you're concerned about the legality, speak to a solicitor. Where I live (US) confidentially is invoked when you actually pay for advice (ie a 'paying client'), not sure if it's the same in the UK.

If he can consent to going out drinking, especially without a carer being with him, it's likely he has the capacity to consent to sex.

Relationships and Sex and Learning Disability | Mencap this gives some good guidance.

do not talk to the family. don't let your DD be in contact with him again.

if the man and his family think something wrong has happened, it is up to them to pursue that and any conversation with you would only make things more complicated.

don't assume the man lacks capacity to consent just because he has learning difficulties - see the link above.

I'm not surprised his siblings got angry. It is not appropriate for a 30 year old man to be sleeping with someone who in law, is still a child. I think you are looking at this the wrong way round. It is not your DD that has done anything wrong here.

Whether you think it is appropriate or not, it is not illegal. A 16-year-old can sleep with a 99-year-old if they wish.

@Chark99 - I agree with those who say you shouldn't talk to his family. It is not clear from your posts that any offence has been committed. As @helpfulperson says, if he can go out drinking without a carer, he is likely to have the capacity to consent to sex, so the only issue would be if he was so drunk that he could not understand what he consented to. However, your posts suggest you think your daughter has done something wrong, possibly illegal. You don't want to give that impression to his family. That could create a lot of unnecessary pain for your daughter.

What a weird answer. Like properly disturbing. It’s not the op looking at it, and 17 is a minor and over the age of consent.

this man has additional needs, it is unknown his mental age, but likely much younger and in addition he had been drinking, impairing his ability to consent further. Assuming he had the capacity to consent in the first place.

Thanks all. I won’t be raising it with them. I think it would be different if they didn’t know but since they do I don’t think I need to bring it up.
Yes both were drinking, but he was not out by himself but with his sibling originally. I don’t know how to explain it well but I have met this man before as he works in his parents local business and he be less mature than my DD. I guess it has happened now, and I’ll have to see if anyone will bring it up. Thanks for all to offered an open ear

If he doesn't require a carer to go out drinking and she isn't his carer then I suspect legally there should not be a problem but his family probably are protective and perhaps don't want to acknowledge that side of his life.

I have contact through work with lots of learning disabled adults and most are very keen to have sex quite frankly, unless they were being taken advantage of it certainly would be consensual