If I separated or divorced my child’s father

[OneHandInPocket]

What sort of access arrangements would the courts award him? He has an explosive temper & occasionally hurts our DS. Nothing calculated & not often but pinching or squeezing every now and then, usually if DS doesn’t do as he’s told first time. I’m never there when he does it. DS is 10.

I think at 10, DS’s views would also be considered. I’m not qualified to say anything but a solicitor would explain all this to you. It’s unlikely to be no contact though.

Do you have evidence of the violence towards ds, school aware, Dr notes, police report etc? Otherwise it will depend on ds giving evidence which might be hard for him. He is around the age that he can choose where he lives. Do you know that he would choose you?

Likely by the time you have sorted out a separation and court cases he will be even older and have even more say. It's really up to ds.

Have you ever reported this to the police?

No. Bad as this is I’m not sure it’s ’bad’ enough to report to the police.

I’m no expert but I’m not sure the abuse would be taken into account if you’ve not reported it to anyone like police or social services.
But as others have said, ds would be old enough to say what he wants.
you could not facilitate contact and wait for his dad to take you to court or you could find out from social services/solicitor how to arrange supervised contact in an contact centre.

that might be best as ds would still see his dad but without the risk of abuse because of someone else being there. No idea who funds that though.

No one can tell you what a court would decide in the day, if it went to court, but at a minimum EOW and a night during the week or up to 50:50. You could settle that through mediation. It depends if you think you can come to an agreement with him without it going as far as court.

Based on my I experience, I doubt they'll care about his temper and pinching, harsh as that sounds.

But as your DS gets older he will be able to do as he wants whatever is agreed or ordered.

It's extremely unlikely supervised contact would be ordered without any prior SS or police involvement.

Without evidence the base they’ll start at is 50/50 contact. Your ds being 10 will have his wishes considered.

You need legal advice asap.

Take pics and report every incident to the police and ss.

Even one episode of squeezing or pinching is too many. All of you must be walking on eggshells to avoid his temper. He's abusing him.

First steps, speak to women's aid and consider reporting the child abuse to the police so it's documented if you have to go to court. You need to get your boy away before he a) hurts him again b) screws him up mentally or c) your boy learns that this is what parenting and relationships are like.

It is bad enough, my lovely. Time to do something about it.

Thanks. It sounds as though you have some experience here. Over the years I have spoken to NSPCC who put us onto a parenting course & also to school who suggested family therapy. Nothing has changed. Do you know who I could speak to next? You mentioned women’s aid.

Well I posted my own thread and people told me a 13 12 and 10 year old were "too young" to decide not to see their father so seems people are selective on what age they tell the op...

10’is old enough to be consulted. Thats not the same as not seeing dad. DS could see CAfcass for example. The dc don’t get to decide. The court does.

Many self absorbed men don’t want 50-50. Often 5-14 (5 nights out of 14 is standard. This can be done to facilitate parental work or child activities.

I think H would want at least 50:50. Far from being self absorbed, he is intensely focused on DS for much of the time. The irony is that he wanted a child so much. Far more than I did. Not that I could ever regret having him now.

If it doesn’t work for DS, he can say so. Do not coach him though. When dc get to secondary age they went to see friends and want parents to facilitate hobbies too. It’s not about possession. It’s about doing the best for DS.

I totally agree it’s not about possession. But I am concerned about my child’s ongoing safety. From what I can see, separating/divorcing wouldn’t make much difference to that and that he would have times alone with H when he would be vulnerable to the same kind of attacks he already experiences.

@OneHandInPocket You and DC would get access to others to put DDs views forward though. You could start by asking that DS sees DH in public areas.