Deceased Neighbour

[Roarroar2001]

Sorry this may be long... have lived next to J 80M for about 9 years, on a farm with no other neighbours close by. Have always had a really good relationship. J was estranged from a previous wife and daughter. I have never seen either of them and other than names, know nothing about them. About 18m ago J fell down the stairs and his body slowly started to give up on him. I started to check in on him regularly and discovered he was being financially abused by his friend (who was supposed to be looking after him). I then fully adopted J, became his primary carer and following a couple of lengthy hospital stays he had carers attend too. I fought for him so hard, did all aspects of care, medically, personally and financially, with support from GP, Social Services etc to enable him to stay at home (he was practically bed bound). About 6m ago J requested I become POA, as i was the only person he trusted, along with making a will in which he made me executor and sole beneficiary (some savings which although not life changing for me, could be for others). J was a very proud man and I had to help him to do things things that he would have hated me having to do. I think this was his way of making himself feel better about accepting my help. Totally unnecessary though, I would have done everything for him without hesitation because he had no one. Everyone deserves to have someone.
J died earlier this week at home. Although I know he would be so glad it happened this way, it was unexpected and the circumstances quite traumatising for me. He was my friend and I bloody loved the old fool. Coroner has instructed I start funeral plans, his wishes where in the will (unattended cremation and for me to spread ashes on a beach he grew up close to) but I don't even know if his wife and daughter are aware he has gone. Coroner and police have said they will try to track them down to notify them. I know they were his wishes but it feels wrong. His house will need clearing relatively soon (rented). I just feel so guilty doing all these things when his wife and daughter are unaware....

I’m so sorry for your loss. J was very lucky to have you as a neighbour

It was his wishes that you care for him now, let the police try and trace his estranged family but he trusted you to carry out his wishes as his friend. Have you got support from your own family and friends, are you happy to be his executor, is there much to still sort out.

I'm sorry you've lost your friend; he was indeed lucky to have you. You are following instructions in his will, by the coroner and the police, so you've nothing to feel guilty about.

@Roarroar2001 You are following his last wishes and sound like a genuinely lovely person who made a real difference in his last years. The fact you are concerned about his wife and daughter is further evidence you are a decent person. Please do not feel guilty.

The only advice I can give is that as you clear his house put to one side things like photos, letters, watches cufflinks etc. as these personal items of nominal value are what are most valuable in sentimental terms. His daughter may be grateful to have them if she gets in touch.

This ^^
Please put any doubtful thoughts behind you.
You have been a faithful, caring and supportive friend. Please do as J’s last wishes are stated otherwise he wasted his time getting it all legalised.
Enjoy what he has left to you. It is well deserved so put thoughts of others from your mind.

If his wife and daughter did not look about him when he was living. Please do not contact them.

So you've not seen the wife and DD in the 9 years you've lived next to J, and certainly not in the 18 months since his fall? I wouldn't worry too much about them, though I guess they should be notified at some point.

As others have suggested, put some personal things aside that you may wish to pass on to them. You may even find some contact details amongst J's belongings as you clear out.

You were lovely to take on his care when you didn't need to.

I’m sorry he has died. It sounds like you had a lovely friendship.

He might have had a wife and daughter in name but they weren’t there for him and his wishes were that they aren’t at the funeral. He trusted you to respect that. Don’t let him down now.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think it is reasonable to put a time limit on hearing from his family before you start the hard work of clearing his house. Maybe keep one box for photographs and sentimental items that you think his family might like if they do make contact.

It's so nice what you've done for him. He was able to stay at home because of you, and now he will get to have his final wishes carried out as he wanted because of you too.

Thank you for all your kind words. It sounds soppy but I just don’t want to let him down now.. I will make sure I keep any sentimental bits in case they do make contact.
Thanks again.