Parenting Disagreement - Potential Legal Action

[TD45]

Hi everyone,

I'm a dad to two kids, aged 12 and 13, sharing custody with their mother on a 50/50 basis for the past four years. Our arrangement, while not court-ordered, has worked well for the children and us. Recently, their mum suggested drafting a parental agreement to clarify communication and logistics around birthdays, holidays, and medical appointments. While I'm all for improving communication, there are a couple of points I'd like to discuss.

Firstly, my ex-partner proposes that the children shouldn't visit the other parent when it's not their designated week. She believes they're too young for unrestricted visitation. However, given we live close by and the kids' ability to move around independently, I feel it's natural for them to drop by if needed, especially in emergencies or for simple things like a drink or using the toilet. For instance, when one of them had a bike accident near my house, I attended to their wound. But apparently, this wasn't received well, as they were expected to return to their mums for such situations. I would never want my children to feel they cannot go and say hello to the other parent and fear repercussions if they did.

Secondly, there's the issue of birthdays. Their mum suggests that the non-custodial parent shouldn't see the child on their birthday, waiting instead until it's their turn for custody. I find this quite restrictive, especially since I love celebrating with my kids and they enjoy it too. With our schedule, it could mean missing out on my youngest's birthday for the next few years.

I'm open to discussing and compromising, and I believe most of the agreement is about common decency. However, these two points seem unnecessarily rigid and harsh to me.

I want to stick to my guns over this, not to be stubborn or awkward but because I think it’s right the children can see the other parent if necessary.

However, I know she’ll thrown going down the court route to get her way.

I'm hesitant about involving the courts, but I wonder if a judge would deem these requests from her unreasonable, considering there are no safeguarding issues and our proximity allows for easy interaction between both parents and the children. Would they also consider it a waste of the courts time for such, I would Imagine in the grand scheme of things, small details?

I wouldn’t go down the mediation route as it wouldn’t work.

Has anyone faced a similar situation or have any advice to share?

it is a tricky one because I can see her point that she doesn’t want to have any interaction with you and neither should she and if birthdays are alternating again no need for you or her to contact

but at the same time at those ages they are fairly free to do what they want And if they want to contact a parent that is up to them

i would agree not to contact them first but if they do contact you to respond

I think I can see both points of view. 50/50 shared care works well when parents can be amicable.

I think you're right in the fact the kids shouldn't have unrestricted access in the circumstances you've explained.

However, I can see her point regarding birthdays. Birthdays do need to be shared.

You would celebrate your kids birthdays earlier or later depending on when they're with you. I don't think its fair to split the day unless it's truly what the kids wanted and voiced.

Firstly, at their ages a court will take the wishes & feelings of the children so what are their thoughts on this? It feels overkill to make this a court issue when there must be an agreement.

The visits to other parent, outside schedule, could be a concern over teenagers having free rein to be absent by saying they are at one of the parents house..I could relate to ex's concerns about that.

At 12 and 13, their views will carry a lot of weight if this goes to court.

I doubt the courts would support your ex's view that the children should be completely banned from visiting you when it is not your week.

Birthdays and other special days can be tricky. Would she, perhaps, agree to alternating, i.e. one year with her, the next year with you?

We was in court last year for a child the similar age - between 12 & 13 - they was reluctant to make any order against what we already had as at 12/13 "they will vote with their feet" in the judges words ..... sometimes they come to me on the custody days - sometimes they go to dad; it is what it is - unless we have solid plans then we both accept that's what our child wants to do

We share the birthday - straight down the middle - one has overnight the night before til 1pm - then the other one has 1pm to overnight the following day.
If you live close by each other I can't imagine that a judge would order you to wait until your "turn" as it's a special day - same as Christmas.

Do the birthdays work out as alternating with each parent ? Can the other parent celebrate earlier or would she have a problem with that ? Yanbu t o think that Christmas and birthdays should alternate and a judge would agree with you.

Do the kids ever forget stuff at the other house ? Has she told the children that they can’t go to yours to pick up a charger/hoodie/homework or whatever ? This is going to be hardest on the kids tbh. I understand a rule saying that the kids should eat meals at the custodial parent’s home for ease of budgeting and not wasting food though. I understand why she’d like the rule but I think that the kids are going to find it hardest sticking to the rule and teens usually like flexibility.

Thank you all for the replies.

In terms of contact, each child has their own phone and we are both happy for either parent to message or phone them whenever they like. What she’s essentially taking away is catching up in person.

That is a good point @Livinghappy regarding them being teenagers and her maybe having concerns about them simply hanging out at the other parent's house more and more, basically going against the 50/50 schedule. That wasn’t my thinking, my point is, and I’ll give an example, if the children are playing on the green outside my house with their friends that live close by and want to pop in to grab a snack or use the toilet, or grab a football, I don’t see an issue with it. The same if it was the other way around. I’m not saying they’re suddenly free to pop in and stay for lunch for a few hours when the expectation from her is they’re out with friends. Maybe I need to make that clearer to her then.

If they’ve forgotten items at the other parent's house, the children are free (currently!) to pop over and pick them up, most of the time they’ll message to say they’re on their way.

The children would be disappointed if they were told they could no longer see the other parent when under the others care. What I could actually see happening is they keep doing it but they keep it from her which then puts me in a situation.

For birthdays, we would message in advance and simply ask, can xx come over to mine at xx for a couple of hours to see the family and open presents. It’s not been an issue until now. She wont alternate birthdays each year, basically, she wants it to be luck of the draw.

It’s good to hear that at their age, they get a say because I thought maybe they wouldn’t until 16. But, again, I think this would be such a small thing to end up in court over.

This should be cleared up by a family meeting and DC should be asked what their views are. They are human beings and will have thoughts of their own. I don’t understand why you don’t have a birthday with both parents present? Your ex seems controlling and DC will end up doing what they want. It’s better to all agree. I think you would be told to stop “arguing “ over control and do what dc want.

Do they see mum in the same way when they are with you?

It would be a big overreaction for ex to take this to court as it would also create hostility and waste money that could be spent on the children. If you both used barristers it's easily 10k. However I doubt a solicitor will advise her to go to court.

What do you think has changed in the relationship for this to now be an issue? The birthdays I might relate to as just part of life with separated parents, birthdays are often celebrated at a later date when with the other parent. Most children don't have an issue and are happy to have 2 birthdays.

@TizerorFizz – unfortunately, a shared birthday with us both there wouldn’t work. I understand that people will say “Put differences aside for the kids” but, that is easier said than done. It would be extremely awkward and not enjoyable for the kids.

I’ll have to ask them how they feel about it and if they're not bothered then I’ll accept that and just video call them on the day. What makes it even sillier is they can walk past mine on the way home from school so they could pop in then and see me, their mum won't even be home for another 2/3 hrs!

@WarningOfGails – They tend to pop over to mine more than they would the other way around. It's not a regular thing, usually if they're with friends from school who also live on my street, so I can't avoid them sometimes. Clearly, it’s happened enough that it’s annoying/upsetting her.

@Livinghappy - I asked why to create a parenting agreement now and I was told, to improve communication. I was happy about it, it’s just 4 years too late.

The way I am, I don’t understand why these two situations would be an issue which is why I wanted to reach out and hear other people's opinions and suggestions.

I get the impression then she doesn’t want to communicate or see you at all and given the age of your children that’s fine

I would simply say that you are happy to leave it up to the children and you won’t contact them

If parents haven’t gone to court and are supposed to sort things out themselves, this seems surprisingly rigid and not relaxed. I would have thought popping in to get a snack and a chat after school whenever wasn’t a bad thing. The DC might end up being the adults here!