To marry or not

[UnmarriedMum]

Hi.

As the title suggests I'm unsure whether to get married yet or not. I have a 7 month old with my partner, and we live together.

I'm trying to understand all the benefits to being married versus what I can put in place.

Current situation:

I'm a SAHM, I have my own money/finances
My partner owns the house we live in (mortgage and all bills are in his name and he pays all of them)
We both have parental responsibility as both on the birth certificate
I'm named as the inheritor on partners workplace pension

So my question is what benefits if any do I get for marrying my partner?

The property is something I have no interest in - not inheriting it would not be a problem (would be preferable)
We maintain separate finances
I haven't neglected my career as I've been retraining and qualify this September into a job role straight away
We don't have any shared assets (own cars etc)
Baby has own bank account which we both pay in to

So can someone explain in simple terms whether I would benefit from the legal protections of marriage?

I don't think you sound naive at all OP. I am the wealthier of the partner and I'm losing tonnes in the divorce. I think you have no reason to be married and as soon as your assets become larger than your partners you will miss out. I wish someone had told me this before I got married.

If you’re going to be a family you shouldn’t be thinking just about what you need and how you would benefit, you should be thinking in terms of what is best for the family unit as a whole. If one of you is significantly more financially secure than the other then you’re either a proper family that shares or you are a fragmented one where the adults put their own interests first.

That said, if you are really sure you’re happy with your financial choices the other thing to think about is what happens if one of you dies. A will doesn’t solve problems like the surviving spouse being able to quickly and easily access the other’s finances, or having sole control over funeral arrangements.

@Santasjingleballs

I do want to get married. I'd like to wait until my child is 4/5 so they can attend and remember the day and are not so young and requiring of care.

Financial concerns were not my issue. I saw/received several comments that marriage offers protection for a number of things. I was wondering what they are and whether it would be better to get married now if they were so essential.

The only one that concerns me are the health ones, but as I say we have plans for LPA to be sorted in the next few months.

I suppose I was expecting the concerns to be bigger than financial, and I can understand for others not in my position who may not be able to buy elsewhere or afford the relationship to breakdown but due to some unfortunate circumstances I am in a position that should it happen I have a next egg tucked away for a rainy day.

Personally, I think being married makes you family ... with each other and the extended family if you have one.

If you are talking legally only, being married makes you next of kin. If either of you ended up in for example the ICU you are no different to someone he's dated for a couple of months. His family take precedence, I've even heard of partners being excluded from hospital because family said no.

I think when you say things like he is going to pay for childcare when we need it you show exactly why you need to be married.

he says that now because he loves you and wants to be with you. Should that change so might all the things that he is agreeing to now . The amount of threads on here where men rewrite history to suit their own narrative is amazing. Marriage at its best provides strict and protection when things go wrong.

structure and protection

Op have a look at This site

You may feel your plans are well set out and you have it all covered. What I will say is marriage gives you both the protection that the other cant simply change this at no notice.

You can't imagine that happening I am sure. Perhaps have a look at the divorce forum and see how much people you think you know can change.

Your plan if breakdown is to move to your parents. What happens if 5 year down the name your parents both require care and can't cope with a child or two living with them? Worst case situation he can throw you out of his home keep the child(ren) as you have no right to the time. By the time you have a rental and a home he can claim the children's main Residence is with him and you would need to go through lengthy court proceedings to change this. If you are married he can't simply throw you out.

Next of kin. What happens if one of you are sick /dying not married you have little rights. A friend of mine was prevented by her partner and father of her 2 children. To atte d his funeral as his parents didn't want her there.

You keep saying it's all financial if that is how you want to look at it then I will say you are.protecting yourself from those current financial agreements not to be changed without you have some rights.

Currently you have none.

What do you mean you don't want the house - even if you didn't want to live in it you could sell it.

You say you could live with your mum and dad but they might have died by the time your relationship ended.

Always expect the best but prepare for the worst.

You have far more rights being married than not.

Get married.
You won't feel the same about "not wanting the house" etc after you've lived in it for 20 years and brought up your DC there. And if you fell out he could take your name off the mortgage.
He might become a millionaire in the next 20 years.

Get married.

@Enko

Some interesting points, and as I say the health ones do worry me, but we will be getting married, so this is only for the next few years.

Re moving home, would be a stop gap whilst I purchase property, not a long term plan thankfully. The main residence would always be with me, even if he did kick us out, we have alternative options. It does mildly concern me but as I know financial we'd be secure, and we have places we can go it shouldn't be a concern.

I don't suppose next of kin could stop people not wanting you to attend but you'd have the right to go, and whilst the will does stipulate all the arrangements I guess they could stop me. That is important to consider as of course right now I know they'd never turn me away but who knows what they could say in the future. That is a really helpful consideration!

Thank you, this has definitely given me more to consider that isn't just financial.

You don’t know how important marriage can be until you get divorced or one of you dies…

Again no concerns re the property and should I have to leave I would buy elsewhere.

If you don't get married and you were to split up in 15 years time, would your nest egg still be enough to house you and your child adequately?
It would cost about 150k more to buy my house now than when we bought it 15 years ago.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

I say this being married many years. You may feel secure now with money in the bank but life throws you curve balls and if you do not have an interest in the house then you are vulnerable. Say in 10 years you lose your job, he asks you to move out, your parents cannot help you, then that nest egg which is the house which you will have contributed to will not be yours. Say he gets ill and you fall out with his family. It is not a romantic way of thinking about it but important. You seem to be doing all the right things but marriage makes it extra secure.

@CamaMass

Yes I think so. It's sufficient enough. It's an inheritance that's 3 figures.

Thank you all.

Lots here to consider.

As I've said (title slightly misleading I suppose) is there is an intention to get married but I would rather wait until our baby is older and can remember and be involved more.

I suppose I was looking for if there was any urgent need to, and the health concerns should anything happened to either of us in the next few years that would be a worry. Hopefully the LPA would be a good stop gap in the short term.

I am considering doing the legal ceremony within the next year so I can have that assurance but if I can wait and do the wedding all in one go (not having a civil ceremony for legal reason and then a party at a later date) as it just takes away from the experience for me personally.

Lots of interesting comments and thoughts so thank you all.

Apologies if I've missed this OP, but if you're a SAHM, what are you living on at the moment? Do you have a private income? Savings? Or does he pay for all your daily expenses?

Marriage protects not just you but the financial interests of your child. Your partner could change their will and exclude them. There is a legal right for dependants to claim but if you have separate finances that could be more difficult. Your partner's pension will have cover for dependants, again you'd have to fight for it if unmarried.

You have an inheritance. If having a big party matters to you then blow some of it on that and get the legal protection for your child. They really wont remember a wedding at 5, they'll only remember it from the pictures and what you tell them about it.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom

I have my own privately monthly income for "fun" so holidays/clothes/a food shop here or there. I've been retraining but from September will have my monthly wage in addition to the privately income.

In addition I have a nest egg there should anything happen in the meantime before we do get married.

My partner covers the cost of the house and bills.

I would get married.

You say you have your own nest egg but that could easily need to be spent on other things eg you may lose a job, you may feel desperate enough to pay for private surgery if needed. You have left yourself in a very risky situation.

Nobody can really advise you on this without knowing more about your income and "nest egg".

Basically, the principle is this.

If you are married and then you split up, you cannot unentangle yourselves financially without the input of the legal system. Even if you have the most amicable split in history and agree in writing how to split your money and sign off on it and go your separate ways, there's still a certain amount of legal gatekeeping. And if you don't agree, you both have to disclose all your assets and a judge will decide how they are to be split.

If you didn't have any private income or assets, this would be a no brainer. You're not working, you're living in a house owned by your partner which you have no entitlement to, in theory he could turf you out onto the street at any time and you would have no claim against him other than child maintenance. He's building up equity in a property solely owned by him, partly facilitated by you because you are providing free childcare for his child. You're getting no financial reward for your unpaid labour. In that scenario, you should get married and/or go back to work.

What might change things in your case is if you actually have more assets than he does. I still think as a point of principle that he should be covering your day to day expenses whilst you are a SAHM taking care of his child. But the point is, if you split up, he won't be entitled to any of your money either, whereas if you were married and you split up, it would all go into the pot to be divvied up.

If your assets are substantial, you would probably benefit from seeing a solicitor for some proper advice.

You say you have a nest egg you could use as al large deposit and would be able to get a mortgage to buy yourself a home. That's fine at the moment, but as you get older your ability to get a mortgage will decline as you get closer to retirement and your savings will probably not keep pace with house prices. Have you considered investing in a buy to let property to get you onto the property ladder independently?

If you're financially independent and have a very large nest egg, in the 100k + region, then you're probably better off not getting married, it would possibly make you financially worse off on divorce.

If you're both quite young, inheritance tax is unlikely to affect you as the equity in the house is not likely to be near the IHT limit. Very few people pay IHT, although most of the ones worried about it are on mumsnet!

The pension fund generally sits outside the estate for IHT purposes.

If you do split, your child (if under 18) will be classed as a dependent in the case of the subsequent death of its father.

2 scenarios -

1. a friend of mine whose partner died suddenly and relatively young, found that his parents, who he was practically estranged from, swooped in and took the lot, death in service benefit, savings. She held onto the house because it had been bought jointly. They dictated how his funeral went down to refusing to have songs played that she knew he wanted. She was financially okay but it was galling as had they been married it wouldn't have happened.
2. Your circumstances change. You have a disabled child, or you develop a disability. You are now more dependent on your other half as you have had to give up work. These boards are littered with people who changed their mind about marrying. So you split up. You can't work. Will you still be financially secure enough to support you and child(ren)?