Coercive control tactics in mediation [Title edited by MNHQ]

[crochetcatsknitting]

Posting on behalf of a relative going through a mediation ahead of a divorce. I'm going to do this in point form, if that's ok, to make sure important details don't get lost. I'm going to direct her to read responses to this.

Relative lives in England.

1. Her marriage was 25 years of coercive control. (His first step was to estrange her from family and friends.) Gaslighting. Lies. Everything.

1. She is in a financially weak position. She works, but does not earn much.

1. Two children: one young adult, one late teens. She stuck it out because he threatened to take the children if she left and she believed him.

1. After 1.5 years of secret therapy, paid for by her sister, she plucked up the courage to tell him she was divorcing him. That did not go down well.

1. Used one free appointment with recommended solicitor, who advised cheapest route would be to agree financial settlement with mediators and that lawyers will finalise it.

1. The agreement from mediators was requirement for full 100% transparency. She arrived at meeting with all financial documents, he brought nothing and she has yet to see anything from him. All his claims about debt, assets, income etc are verbal. She has queried this and was told by mediators that at the end of the process he would be required to sign a declaration that he had been truthful (or something to that effect). But she knows he's a liar because ... 25 years

1. He has now even refused for mediation in the same room as her. So she can't even hear (and therefore dispute) his claims. He has got mediators running between rooms, slowing down the process, all of which makes the sessions incredibly costly.

There are other issues I might flag depending on if my relative is happy for me to do so - issues relating to the actual settlement - but right now I am concerned he is managing to control meditation to his advantage.

The last session she was told her husband was keen to wrap things up, and she felt she was being gently encouraged to accept the status quo.

So this post is, what are her rights regarding mediation? Bearing in mind the huge cost which is running her down, how can she swiftly address this? Especially since the outcome from this forms the basis of the divorce settlement.

I have suggested another meeting with her solicitor. Which will be costly.

Hope you can help MN.

I asked MN to change the title. My original title did not describe the reality of my concerns.

The only thing she can do is call his bluff and say she doesn't believe his claims over money so mediation has broken down/failed and they'll have to progress to court instead. But I suppose it's likely he'll stick to his guns and lie to the judge as well. Is there any chance that he isn't lying?

Or she could just draw a line under it and settle based on what has been disclosed, being satisfied in the knowledge that she's been honest and he's still a twat.

Sorry she needs a solicitor. She cannot do mediation with an abusive ex.

He will string out the mediation until her funds run out and she feels forced to accept an unfair settlement. The fact that the mediators are continuing when he is being so obstructive is reprehensible, as if getting him to sign a declaration will compel him to be transparent. His intention us to make it as difficult as possible.

If there are sufficient marital assets available she should receive a settlement which will enable her to house herself. If she has sacrificed her earning potential to raise the children then she may be able to claim part of his pension.

Sadly the coercive control may have left her without the strength or confidence to insist on a fair settlement so I suspect in reality she will be short changed which will add further insult to the years of abuse.

She does not have to continue mediation, it's clearly not working and doesn't even sound cost effective.

I would also urge her to contact Women’s Aid asap and get their advice. She should also seek advice from another firm of solicitors or at the very least
the Rights of Women (they can give some legal advice).

Mediation with this man was and remains a complete waste of time and effort because he is abusive. He will bleed her dry and she could well be suckered into accepting a piss poor settlement. I would concur that the fact the mediators are continuing the sessions is reprehensible, they often do not recognise or understand the abuse dynamics. This woman was never emotionally safe enough to undertake any form of joint mediation with him.

Mediators are not your friends, they are only interested in "agreement". They have no interest in fairness, or even in suggesting any way that things can be fair. In my limited experience of mediation, and that of friends, they draw it out.

Someone I know who is going through the process has been told over and over that the £400 per hour mediation is cheaper than going to court ...

In my case, I was told not to bring anything. I prepared and brought financial documents anyway.

I couldn't believe that the mediator got out a flip chart and wanted us to go through things at the level of "who bought the washing machine" .... we had been separated for years and had our own homes. We only needed to agree home and pensions split.

Mediator also wanted me to spend hundreds on getting the homes and pensions valued ... Home value was obvious from any local estate agent, I phoned Human Resources and they were good enough to give me a formula for the pensions.

Husband said he was leaving his well-paid job ... this was accepted as fact with no evidence or discussion,

A good solicitor will help you know what is a good deal, and help you get it.

If my relative withdraws from the mediation process, will that count against her in court. She believes (or has been led to believe) it will. Can advice from Women's Aid mitigate this?

Also, how on earth is a woman who has experienced abuse, able to escape that abuse if she can't afford it?

Do women take out loans to fund divorces?

Could evidence that he hasn't participated in good faith mitigate this risk?

Still thinking aloud:

Could his behaviour in mediation, which essentially undermines trust and makes it impossible to fairly reach an agreement, be used as evidence against him in court?

Stopping mediation won’t count against her because she’s tried it and it was an abusive relationship. I’m not sure why they thought it was suitable as the initial assessment should have ruled it out? I would end it based on that and no disclosure from him so pointless - you can’t come to an agreement without it.
I’d seek legal assistance even if it meant a loan but it’s pointless wasting money on mediation.