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Original poster

Will ‘we’ get in trouble for this. Family court

26 replies

NervousMum175 · 25/02/2024 17:18

My partner has a child from a previous relationship. They are 4 lives with his ex and has a speech delay, on the waiting list for speech therapy.. but we have had an aba therapist/speech consultant working with them when she visits us for the past two months.

I thought that DP had informed his ex of this, as I believe that mums should always be involved in things like this and if I’m not wrong he has to seek her permission on medical interventions (not sure if aba etc would be considered as medical) only to find out he hasn’t told her. Now the therapist needs to refer his child for an appt but needs to go through their GP which means DP ex will definitely find out. Not currently in family court but was planning to apply for extra time… will we (DP) get in trouble for not informing his ex?

OP posts:
yourlobster · 25/02/2024 17:23

I don't think 'getting in trouble' should be the primary concern here. I'm not sure a court would be massively impressed but they're not in court.

I'm really concerned that your partner thinks it's ok to start this kind of intervention without discussing it with the co-parent. That's a red flag for me that he doesn't respect his ex enough to make a joint decision.

doubleshift · 25/02/2024 17:43

Using ABA should be the concern here. I would never permit it on my children.

Soapboxqueen · 25/02/2024 19:15

I've no idea how court will view this kind of intervention without discussing it with the other parent.

While some parents are really positive about ABA many aren't.

In fact many view it as abusive particularly autistic people, some of which experienced it first hand.

I think you need to think about why your dp decided to withhold this information from his ex.

Original poster
NervousMum175 · 25/02/2024 21:21

DP is wanting to go back to court for extra time said his ex said no but now I’m starting to wonder if he has discussed it with her properly. I’ve met her once and I did think it was a bit off that she’d agree to aba therapy (I can tell by the way their child is with her that she is very attentive) but when I asked ex he said ‘it’ll be fine’ so I just took that as he had discussed it! The reason I ask about courts is because as I said ex was planning to go back and wanted to know how this would look on him… knowing now that he didn’t inform his ex I certainly think if dp doesn’t go to court for the extra time that she certain will. And I believe he knows this.

With regards to red flags, Aba therapy I too wouldn’t use it on my kids but it was dp and his ex child and I didn’t want to over step. I’m concerned that DP didn’t inform his ex, certain makes me reconsider having children with him which I did want and it concerns me that he pretty much lied to me about telling his ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
NervousMum175 · 26/02/2024 09:10

Safe to say his ex is not happy about this at all.. understandably. I asked DP why he didn’t inform her and he said it was because he wanted to try out this therapist to see if she were a guy and it’s his money so he’ll as he wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
NervousMum175 · 26/02/2024 09:14

So their child was already on the waiting list for speech therapy but from what I can understand from this particular therapist is she does integrate ABA techniques such as ignoring a child is they do not form a full sentence(more than two words) or pronounce words properly

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 26/02/2024 09:17

Do you really want to be involved in this drama OP?

WaitingForMojo · 26/02/2024 09:20

Massive red flags waving all over the place here, OP. I would not want to be involved with this man, run for the hills, and then keep running.

Redlarge · 26/02/2024 09:23

He wont be in trouble. But it shows controlling behaviour on his part and there is an expectation to share medical appointments etc with other parent. She will prob ask for it to stop and court will encourage the usual pathway she was already pursuing.

Original poster
NervousMum175 · 26/02/2024 09:37

@WhatNoRaisins @WaitingForMojo the more I find out on the situation the more I definitely don’t want to involved in any drama and making me reconsider my relationship. DP wasn’t even aware of how their child was doing in in other settings, hadn’t checked what progress they made. I reached out to his ex via Facebook and certainly making me see him in a different light.

Part of the reason I was involved is because the therapist is an acquaintance of mine and I finding this all out I didn’t want his ex thinking I had any knowledge of this being done without her having been informed

OP posts:
WhamBamThankU · 26/02/2024 09:39

Wow. That is incredibly shitty of him, in so many ways.

whatapickle12 · 26/02/2024 09:44

Is this honestly the man you want to be with OP? Red flags all over the place d

easilydistracted1 · 26/02/2024 09:48

ABA is so unethical and has caused a lot of adult autistic people real trauma. It's founder is also the founder of conversion therapy. Plus an ethical therapist should be clear about how other services are working together so either your partner has lied about the involvement or they aren't ethical even beyond being an aba therapist. This sounds very controlling. And the whole thing sounds like a total stressful mess anyway

Original poster
NervousMum175 · 26/02/2024 10:39

No, definitely want to finish with DP, we do live together but thankfully I kept my flat and rented it out.. just need to bide my time or perhaps use the earnings from renting to get another place. Makes sense now, DP always said his ex was lovely and then as soon as she had their child she changed.

@easilydistracted1 I wasn’t aware of this in regards to ABA therapy and the founder.

OP posts:
Amara123 · 26/02/2024 10:41

The real question is, do you think your DP would respect your voice in parenting any child you might have together?

He sounds like a disaster, you're right to think about breaking up with him.

Original poster
NervousMum175 · 26/02/2024 11:07

@Amara123 definitely not, certainly not after having exchanged a few messages with his ex. It would appear that while DP sees their child eow he has not once contact any professional but will make it difficult for his ex when it has come to her supporting&advovating for their child

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 26/02/2024 12:01

You won't win any prizes for taking on this situation. Put yourself first.

MagicTape · 26/02/2024 12:17

He has no respect for his ex and he has no respect for you either - he's lying to you as well as her by leading you to believe he'd spoken to her already. Get out before you have a child with him, otherwise in two years time you'll have a baby and you'll also be caring for his older child on "his" time with her while he's off cycling or golfing.

Original poster
NervousMum175 · 26/02/2024 13:50

@MagicTape already had me looking after dc while he went to get a haircut on a Saturday. Told him he had other free Saturdays in which he could do this, didn’t ask me again after that.

OP posts:
Ametora · 26/02/2024 13:53

ABA isnt speech therapy
It is an intensive autism programme
I cant believe that an ABA trained practitioner would do a few hours of speech therapy (for which they are not trained)- it goes against their whole approach.

PurpleBugz · 26/02/2024 14:01

Autistic adults will tell you ABA is abuse. It's basically forcing them to 'act normal' and suppress their struggles. Looking into it you dp would have seen this and I expect that's why he's not told his ex as he would expect her to say no. Do not have kids with this man and leave him as soon as you can

Original poster
NervousMum175 · 26/02/2024 16:17

I was aware aba therapy isn’t speech therapy but dp said that the speech consultant was doing speech therapy work and not aba. Though on hindsight when dp said about the therapist noting ignoring dc when they didn’t say something correctly as a way to help it did ring alarm bells.. how can a child learn how to speak correctly if they’re met with silence

OP posts:
Littlefish · 26/02/2024 16:37

doubleshift · 25/02/2024 17:43

Using ABA should be the concern here. I would never permit it on my children.

I agree!

sprigatito · 26/02/2024 16:40

If I found out someone had been using ABA on my autistic child I would go nuclear. I hope "you" do get into trouble.

pastypirate · 26/02/2024 17:59

I think starting a speech intervention of any kind without telling the itv we parent is very weird. I mean the caring adults need to know! V basic example but often SLT will tell the parents to repeat back to this child what they have said even if it's a bit unclear to suppprt the child making an effort to communicate:
I'm surprised the therapist didn't ask to meet mum.

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