How to proceed

[Rebeccasharp123]

Hi
Can anyone give me some advice. Myself and my son live off grid. We rent it and it became up for sale. My dad agreed a year ago when he got cancer to buy the place for us. £85.000 . He signed at solicitors to say he had funds etc and just as money was needed my dad died. My mum has dementia and she convinced my brother and nurses etc that I was trying to steal her inheritance. My brother has got police to say I can not visit my family home and he is ignoring solicitor letters. It is now a year since my dad died and I do not know where he is buried, neither do I know where my mum is. I know that it is my mum's choice not to see us, as adult social services phoned me to say. However, my brother has had control of my dad's finances and has had long enough to see that we have taken NO money what's so ever. He and his wife however have been using it. What would you suggest we do? I am considering taking him to court for emotional damage as we have asked about my mum etc and my dad's whereabouts and so far nothing. I need the money for our off grid as I live there and also have over 300 rescue animals. Anyone got any advice?

If you believe that your Brother is financially abusing your mother. I would contact the Court of Protection.

Agree that you need to protect your mum here.

But you may also have to recognise that you're not going to get the money your dad had promised as it's not his money any more. It may be your mum's now depending on your dad's will.
You may need to deal with the fact that you can't afford to live off grid with 300 rescue animals.

This is confusing. It sounds like you want your mum, who has dementia and has asked not to see you, to give you £85k. On the basis that your dying father said he would give it to you.

Why do you need that money more than your mum, who presumably needs lots of care?

Whether your brother is exploiting her is another question.

If you can't afford to live off-grid (whatever that means - a hut?) with 300 animals then... don't?

The money is no longer your dad's to give. It's up to your mum where it goes.

If you believe your brother is financially abusing your mum, report him to the police.

Hi
It's the fact that it was my dad's wish before he died to see me and his grandson settled. My brother has become power of attorney and nearly 9 months on I still do not know where my mum is or where my dad is buried

My mum has a 500. 000 house so is quite ok money wise. It's my brother blocking any contact or involvement and blocking my money- 45.000 is mine, I have been paying him cash over 25 yes. It was an informal arrangement, not written down. He would keep the cash and saved up the money in his account. It's devastating as my son also used his money for this as we were working towards independence off grid.

So you're now saying that you paid your dad £45k in cash? For him to save for you? But you have no evidence that this happened? What a mess. If you've no way to prove that happened, I can't see any way of getting it back. But again, your best option is to speak to the police if you believe your brother is financially abusing your mum.

Your dad's wishes before he died are legally not relevant. He could have transferred you the money before he died, or left it in his will. He didn't, so it belongs to your mum. She can do what she likes with her money, even if you think she should be comfortable enough.

I can't fathom why you would give him money to save for you, unless you were trying to stop it showing in your bame for things like benefit thresholds, or hiding it from an ex spouse. If so then that deception has backfired.

Ultimately you are entitled to nothing. If you have a paper trail of sending your dad regular money, you might be able to claw some back, but it would take legal action and you might not win. Your mum being potentially financially abused by your brother is a separate issue and you can report that.

Sorry to hear this, I know I sound unsympathetic, just don't want to give you false hope I genuinely hope you get a good outcome.

I never thought this would happen in a million yrs so I never asked for it written down. I trusted my dad. I thought I trusted my brother too

Do you claim benefits is this why you paid your father cash to save for you?

No, I am not on benefits. I just find it difficult to save large amounts if it is in front of me. It would get spent or stolen. ( I live on a field)

Sounds like your brother has chosen money over you I don’t see how you can prove anything as it was cash and no audit trail.

He has chosen money over me. Is there no course for action? The fact that 9 months on I do not know where my dad is buried? The fact that I can not visit my family home? My son also? I was not consulted or invited to funeral, I just turned up and was ignored from it. Can I take him to court for emotional damage? This sounds extreme but I am at suicide point now. I've just spent the morning on phone to Samaritans. They tried to get me to fight which is why I am posting here.

Most of that does not give you cause for action. You may be able to take action over the promise to give you some money provided you have evidence that the promise was made and can show that you have acted to your own detriment based on that promise. Also, as others up thread have said, if your brother is taking money from your mother or your father's estate, you may be able to do something about that. You need to consult a lawyer.

You can't take him to court for emotional damage, no. To sue someone for emotional distress in the UK you have to prove that someone has deliberately and knowingly done something that has caused you significant emotional distress which has severely negatively impacted your life. The bar is very high. Even moreso when it's a family matter – the courts are very reluctant to get involved with those and at best might recommend family mediation. And I would be surprised if you get anywhere with the promise of money, either – ultimately your dad could have changed his mind, and there's no evidence either way.

You can almost certainly find out where your dad is buried, though. If you know the area it's as simple as contacting the local cemeteries with his name and date of death. Otherwise there are online databases. Here's an article with some advice. https://www.whodoyouthinkyouaremagazine.com/tutorials/cemetery-records-online Also you may find that if you stop talking about money, your brother might be more willing to share that information with you.

So I guess it depends on what's more important to you at this stage.

Thankyou for the replies. It's just so devastating to loose money I have saved and also not be able to fulfill my dad's wishes of seeing us settled. Obviously, I care about my dad's whereabouts, however it's the money we need as we will be homeless within a month or 2. I just can't understand how my brother has deliberately turned my mum against me. She became paranoid that we were stealing from her. As my brother has control of the bank accounts it would have taken him 20 mins to show her we had not stolen. It's 8 months later and he has not done so as it's convenient for him to be in control.

If your mother has dementia then she probably won’t understand her finances. Many dementia sufferers are paranoid and make accusations against everyone and anyone. It is a disease of the brain which affects mental capacity. She could have forgotten what your father promised you or she never knew.

You can ask to see your fathers will or get a copy yourself. If there isn’t one then everything went to his wife. If she has dementia then someone will have PoA over her affairs.

As suspicious as you are of your brother he can’t just give away his mother’s money to you or anyone. He has no authority to do that. Just like neither he or the executor can take money out of your fathers estate and give it to you. Even if you had a good relationship with him he is not in a position to give you 85k and if he did he could be in a lot of legal and criminal trouble.

I assume that even if you live in a field, you would be able to get a savings account?

If I were you I would call Citizens Advice about your brother’s involvement with your mums finances if you believe him to be using it to fund his own lifestyle.

Also contact animal charities nearby and start to move your 300 rescue animals to other homes so that you can get back on your feet. Is there anyone you and your son could stay with temporarily?