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What would/should I do?

14 replies

CuteBabyGirl · 17/12/2023 13:43

The father of my LO is not on the BC. I refused because when I told him he was verbally abusive and tried to isolate me from friends and family. I was lucky a family member came to stay with me pre birth and that kept him away.

Once LO arrived we had an arrangement he would see her three times a week but he stopped when he found out he was on the BC. Since my LO was born that was his focus not being on BC wouldn’t ask how she is doing, calls my LO, “The Child”.

he asked for a DNA test which didn’t happen despite turning up because he thought I wouldn’t do it. He wanted a test because I refused to allow him in my home as I didn’t feel safe so he took that as me cheating.

He left it for a few months and came back. He said unless he is on the BC he will take me to court.

I have never stopped him seeing LO and he accepts it was his choice but it’s my fault I didn’t put on the BC.

i proposed:
see a family mediator
be consistent in LO’s life for 6 months. I will pay for the BC and sign a contract to that effect.

He said no because I am trying to control him and that unless he is on the BC he won’t see LO because I’m trying to control him.

he then told me he wanted LO to meet his other child who he didn’t know existed till they were 6 months old. I agreed. First thing he says he wants to be on the BC didn’t acknowledge LO until I pointed it.

Social services and the police are aware of what he has done to me as he used to stand outside my own that wouldn’t leave the house. However, nothing has been tamed further at me request.

am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
notmorezoom · 17/12/2023 14:39

Just ditch him- he's not going to be a positive influence in your child's life.

He doesn't want to see LO unless he's on the BC? Fine. He doesn't see her.

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 17/12/2023 14:42

Well there is a reason he wasn't in his other dc's life wasn't there? 2 women can't be wrong about the same man.. Apart from sharing dna is there reason you want him in your dc's life?

CuteBabyGirl · 17/12/2023 15:03

Just so LO can get to know who he is and I’m not accused of stopping them having a relationship.

OP posts:
LIZS · 17/12/2023 15:05

Let him take you to court. Bet he won't bother but even were he to do so just document the efforts you have made and he refused. Have you posted about him before?

CuteBabyGirl · 17/12/2023 15:05

Which I am OK with as that’s his choice and not me stopping him.

OP posts:
rorret · 17/12/2023 15:07

Let him take you to court.

CuteBabyGirl · 17/12/2023 15:13

@LIZS
i have documented as much as I can have kept communication to text messages were possible.

this is my first time posting him. Felt at lost as I feel I am being reasonable and not preventing him from being a father. I just don’t understand why he cares more about being on the BC than being there for my LO.

OP posts:
AnneValentine · 17/12/2023 15:49

YABU. If he takes you to court he will be permitted to have a DNA test and added to the birth certificate and none of the games will be permitted. He will also be given visitation that you will have to stick to. And will have to pay child support.

Stop with the games and get it all formalised.

BrimfulOfMash · 18/12/2023 07:09

I just don’t understand why he cares more about being on the BC than being there for my LO.

He wants to be on the BC because that gives him more power than it does responsibility. He can veto your choice of school, how far away you live, whether you take your child abroad on hol, etc.

He has already demonstrated that he wants to control and terrorise you.

You can tell your child who their Dad is without being on the BC.

He could be a loving Dad without being on the BC.

I bet if you did put him on the BC he wouldn’t be any more of a reliable father in her life.

Love for a child should be unconditional. There are men who take on loving fatherhood of a young child as a step child, another man already on the BC! J

What this man wants is power and control .

You are not stopping him seeing his baby, he is.

BrimfulOfMash · 18/12/2023 07:20

AnneValentine · 17/12/2023 15:49

YABU. If he takes you to court he will be permitted to have a DNA test and added to the birth certificate and none of the games will be permitted. He will also be given visitation that you will have to stick to. And will have to pay child support.

Stop with the games and get it all formalised.

The OP turned up for the DNA test, he didn’t.

She had previously refused to have him in her home because she felt unsafe with him.

He stalked her and made her feel afraid to leave her house.

Why would the OP willingly give him rights that she has to stick to?

OP: the option is there for him to go to court. So let him get on with it. He probably won’t.

BendingSpoons · 18/12/2023 07:23

He is being controlling whilst accusing you of the same. A caring father would be seeing his child whilst pushing to go on the birth certificate. Just be a broken record about it, in writing if possible.

CuteBabyGirl · 18/12/2023 10:29

This is what my family is saying but because family care I feel they are biased.

I’ll let him take me to court which I doubt because I don’t stop him saying his LO, never have and never will. He is choosing not to be there not me.

thank you for understanding.

OP posts:
CuteBabyGirl · 18/12/2023 10:32

This is what I tried to explain just be consistent and I haven’t asked for money. He informed he since he is employed if I do decide to obtain CMA that he will make it out he only makes £1,000 so I get nothing. But I have NEVER asked for money or anything just be there for his LO.

OP posts:
AnneValentine · 18/12/2023 15:59

BrimfulOfMash · 18/12/2023 07:20

The OP turned up for the DNA test, he didn’t.

She had previously refused to have him in her home because she felt unsafe with him.

He stalked her and made her feel afraid to leave her house.

Why would the OP willingly give him rights that she has to stick to?

OP: the option is there for him to go to court. So let him get on with it. He probably won’t.

I didn’t say she should.

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