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Legal matters

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Original poster

Lawyers letter advice

16 replies

biscuit2403 · 15/12/2023 17:52

My ex sent me a lawyers letter stating he wanted to see my son on his 4 days off between 12-6.

The lawyers letter stated that I had been withholding contact which I hadn’t been.

He told me to ignore the letter because there is a second letter coming out which states he wants to see him 2/3 days of his 4 days off.

He picked 4 days in December that suited him to see our son and I said okay and he collects him 11-4.

My proposal was that he takes him overnight two nights and one day full contact. He declined this.

Today I called his lawyer and accepted the first letter 4 day contact 12-6. I sent my ex a text to say it would take effective immediately and he has in turn blocked me. Told me that he doesn’t want to go ahead with this and wants to stick to what we had agreed between us, he said if I don’t accept his other proposals in his further letters he will take me to mediation.

He is due to pick our son up on Sunday and I told him to collect him at 12 as going by the letter and he said no he will be there at 11. Should I stick to my guns and not be home until 12?

I really want to stand my ground here with him, I am happy with this first letter now I’ve had time to think about it. What would happen at mediation if I said I was happy with this, would he have to give reasons as to why he’s changed his mind?

I have bent over backwards for this man but as usual I am getting the “you’re being difficult, you’re a psycho” attitude because I am not letting him do as he pleases

Would it go against me if didn’t hand him over at 11 as agreed in a text?

OP posts:

IdealisticCynic · 15/12/2023 18:05

If he is the sort of person who might go to court, you need a paper trail. You should do that via his solicitor. Send an email, don’t phone them.

The email needs to be clear at the start that you refute his assertion that you have been withholding contact. Moreover, as explained to the solicitor by phone, you are happy to agree the 4 dates and times your ex proposed.

Explain that your ex has since tried to change those times and you agreed at first but now realise it cannot be accommodated. However you remain happy to stick to the original proposed times and dates to ensure good contact between your ex and your child. Explain that you think that your ex has blocked your number since you tried to explain this to him and so you are emailing the solicitor and trust s/he will pass the message on.

IdealisticCynic · 15/12/2023 18:08

Sorry - just to add - I am not a family lawyer! But in any type of law it’s always better to have a clear paper trail.

MoreRainbowsPlease · 15/12/2023 18:12

I agree with the PP just go through the solicitor, if he wants to take you to mediation then let him. I always think it is best to have a visitation schedule officially put in place. This can always be varied if either you of you need to change it, but I have so many friends who have been messed around by their ex's when it comes to seeing the kids that I just think it is better to get it witnessed by an official 3rd party and then he can't claim that you are witholding access or messing him around.

misssunshine4040 · 15/12/2023 18:18

Get your own legal representation. His lawyers letter is merely that, a letter. It doesn't hold any weight or binds you to an agreement.

Block him and set your own terms and don't let him use you child as a way to bully and abuse you.

Contact should be simple to sort. It's not when it becomes a parents battleground to score points.
Grey rock and don't engage

Plankingplanks · 15/12/2023 18:51

I am not a lawyer, but have been divorced. My best advice is to do what is best for your child. Think about whether it is worth making their life miserable over an hour or a days contact.

LemonTT · 15/12/2023 20:10

You seem to want to be assertive when you say you want to stand up for yourself. I don’t think there is anything to object to here.

He made a proposal which he immediately withdrew. Then proposed a new plan to spend time with his child. He wants to see him on certain days between 11 and 4. Is there any reason why you can’t accommodate this? if not agree to it.

The first offer was withdrawn. He declined your option. You need to reply yes or no to his current offer.

It sounds like mediation is needed and that you will probably need a court order to confirm arrangements.

Being assertive isn’t about getting your way in all things. I don’t see any battle to pick here. If it works for you just agree to it. Or say why it doesn’t work for you.

But you have already said yes to an 11 pick up. You have said that you are going out of your way to not be there until 12. You are giving them evidence of obstruction.

Original poster

biscuit2403 · 15/12/2023 20:24

The best thing for our child is set days so they can form a routine , so his proposal of seeing him at scheduled times on his days off makes sense. In an ideal world he would take him overnights but he is refusing that because he said his dad house is cold and his room is dusty. Sporadic days during the month with very little notice does not work for us.

I think he’s probably realised he’s asked for too many days and now doesn’t want to take our child on all four of his days off.

I think I will stick to my guns and be home at 12 on Sunday rather than 11, as that shows I’m going with the lawyers letter.

Can this be used against me though? Like can he say we had agreed 11 and she wasn’t home? So therefore holding the child against him?

It sounds like tit for tat but ultimately I want him to take the responsibility he claims he’s crying out for, and I also want something that suits mine and my child’s lives rather than dipping in and out when he feels like it.

OP posts:

Original poster

biscuit2403 · 15/12/2023 20:29

Sorry I don’t know how to quote you on this

“He wants to see him on certain days between 11 and 4. Is there any reason why you can’t accommodate this? if not agree to it.”

Yes, I can’t accommodate it because it doesn’t form a routine. Texting me on the Monday to say I want our child Wednesday Friday and Sunday for example doesn’t work for me. I can’t plan anything in advance with our child.

If he asked to see his son on his 4 days off between 11-4 that would be fine, but he can’t just pick random days in the month. Either time works for me, but I want set days which the first lawyers letter gives me.

OP posts:

Spirallingdownwards · 15/12/2023 20:45

I assume your child is very young if he js available on random days. I really don't think routine is needed at this young an age whereas contact is. Once he is a preschool/nursery/school then yes routine matters more. I assume you don't use paid childcare either?

titchy · 15/12/2023 20:47

Tbh 11 or 12 is not going to make any difference to your child - don't argue right now for the sake of it.

Agree to 11, but stress that it is in your child's best interests if contact is regular and scheduled, and that you look forward to agreeing, either between you, or via mediation services, a schedule that centres the needs of your child, to begin the first week of January.

Original poster

biscuit2403 · 15/12/2023 20:50

You don’t think routine is needed for a baby? I do use paid childcare actually, none of which my ex pays for.

Not only is routine needed for a baby, it’s also needed for me the mother - who is the main caregiver. As I mentioned, I’m unable to plan ahead, as I don’t get given notice. He chooses 2/3 of his days off usually the week before, which isn’t good enough.

OP posts:

Doggymummar · 15/12/2023 20:55

Tell him they need to be scheduled in 13 week blocks or whatever his shift pattern is. Be as accommodating as possible. You say my son so is he not the father? In which case has he adopted him, lived with him for many years, does he warrant contact at all? What does your son say?

Plankingplanks · 16/12/2023 17:47

You seem determined to be difficult. My 3 DS's have always gone to see their father whenever they felt like it or when suited us as parents. You are going to have a long 18 years of shared parenting if you intend to be this difficult. Your ex is trying to maintain a relationship with his child, whilst you don't have to bend over backwards, a bit of give and take makes the world of difference.

No e of this os worth your child's mental health in the future.

Original poster

biscuit2403 · 17/12/2023 16:51

I’m being difficult because I want us to have set days & times? Rather than being text a week in advance? Okay.

He collected him at 11 as per our text agreement, but from January it will be set days.

My ex can soemtimes go 9 days without seeing our son, refuses to take him overnight etc yet I’m being difficult.

Sorry I’m not a doormat.

OP posts:

Plankingplanks · 17/12/2023 19:08

Glad you're not being a doormat. Shame your child's mental health has to suffer to support this....

RamblinRosie · 17/12/2023 23:14

OP sounds like he’s just messing you around, he asks for something, you agree, then he immediately wants something different. That’s not reasonable.

You need a set schedule, let him take you to mediation and agree a schedule. I’ll bet he immediately wants something different. It’s a control issue, he doesn’t want you to be able to make plans…

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