Finances on divorce - fair settlement and strategy ?

[GotToGet999]

Hello,
seeking advice. Separated from ex (narcissist and DA issues in marriage) for 1 year, have dd aged 7 who lives with me and sees ex eow and 2-3 eve per week. Said ex has 1 adult child living with him plus 1 minor, from his previous marriage. Ex has gone for 50/50 shared custody of our son through courts - as he doesn’t want to pay cm and in true narc style will do anything to spite me. There are some safeguarding and welfare issues which mean I oppose 50/50.

finances yet to be sorted but I’m thinking that it’s best to try to come to some king of deal on this given the amount of lawyers fees and the fact that ex gets really upset about ‘giving’ money to me - this might encourage him come to a deal. Wondering if there is some strategy to get him to come to a deal

basic details: we both work full time though he decreased his earning capacity deliberately. I’m on 60k and he is on 90k. His pension is x2 the same as mine, 60k v 120k. I would want a clean break and maybe nominal spousal maintenance as he will no doing get a better paid job after all sorted.

his Achilles heel is money. Mine is my son.

any idea what would be a fair split here, and any idea how to get him to table? We have a fdr in April.

thank you

If you have a solicitor, you should listen to their advice. If you don't, you should get one. They will be far better placed to advise than anyone on here.

Do you have property/ savings?

I would have thought a pension split if that's all there is in on the table, but I wouldn't have thought spousal maintenance would be. You can work out CMS on his salary which is payable on a 50/50 s0lit where there is income disparity although it won't be much.

I question property as that is where men who demand 50/50 before the finances are sorted they don't do it win. It is also the but that cannot be reopened once the financial order is made. Child arrangements and cms can be reopened anytime.

No savings on my side and some debt incurred since separation for living expenses -
sale of marital home agreed and we are both going to be in rentals until finances agreed
ex has offered 40% of equity from sale (there is only about 150k) saying he needs more space for all children.
ex pays cms but if hd gets 50/50 this will not be payable

im just wondering what offer is acceptable to avoid more money spent on fees

So a straight 'fair' 50/50 would see you get £30k from his pension and £75k equity from house. (£105k)

He is offering £60k from house only?

I would use his pension as a bargaining chip. You won't go after his pension but want minimum £90k from the house (60%)

How old is your son, what does he want to do? 50/50 constant switching is hard on a kid especially one who is mid primary and up.

This is what you discuss in mediation which was compulsory when I divorced. I'd it not anymore? That keeps it out of court.

You won't get spousal support if he's on £90k only high earners ever have to pay spousal support.

What have you offered him so far?

Getting spousal support, when he earns 90k and you earn 60k, will be difficult. And if he is an abuser and a narcissist, I wouldn’t recommend it. Ongoing money only ties to you to him and gives him some level of control. Or perceived right to be involved in your life. It’s not really a clean break if you get spousal support. If it’s for a short amount of time and nominal, is it really worth it?

Even CMS can cause abuse victims no end of problems with their ex.

I also think if he has the child 2/3 nights a week saying 50:50 is a safeguarding issue, won’t make sense. Unless there’s detail you have left out. Not saying you need to share it btw.

i would leverage his pension against the house and try and get as much of the house as possible. Rather than getting any of his actual pension. Again, I wouldn’t want any ties to him long term.

Son aged 7. Currently only has 1 night per week overnight plus 2-3 short after school visits - on advice of previous s7 report. 50:50 holiday split

son definitely does not want 50/50 as there are numerous issues with welfare etc - long story I can’t share as too outing

lawyers recommended nominal (£1) spousal in any agreement in case hd gets much higher paying job as he has had jobs at £150k plus, or to get a higher % of assets . I totally agree that clean break best either a narc, had endless issues getting cms (which Iis why he wants 50/50)

mediation has been suggested but currently waiting on pensions report. Fdr due in April

ex has offered 40% of equity from sale (there is only about 150k) saying he needs more space for all children.
Nope - his other kids aren't your issue

@Whataretheodds yes I was wondering about this. So hd has a 15 yr and 24 yr old living with him and states he needs. Bigger property to house all 3 (including our child).

24 year old is an adult (assuming no SEN and dependence on your ex?)
15 year old - where did they live before?

Very long story…
24 yr old dropped out of uni or taken a year out-was at uni. No SEN
15 yr old used to live with mum until mum left the country about 5 years ago - I believe she had a lives with cao.

i don’t know the real/full story behind both

So this £1. Is that permanently? Or will he just go earn more once the period is over?

Are you willing to go back to court to get an increase of spousal support? If you think he is earning more and keep going back when you suspect he is earning more?

You might be able to use the potential for going for it, in your negotiations. And I get why you have been advised it from a legal perspective.

But from the perspective of an abuse victim I think, practically, that’s a really bad idea.

i think his 15 year old, may impact his housing needs. But the adult child will not. But I am not sure.

He "needs" a 3 bed house for him, the 15 year old and your child. The 24 year old won't be factored in to his housing needs. You "need" a 2 bed house for you and DC.

You need to look at what the cost of said housing is, your respective abilities to make mortgage repayments, and go from there. It sounds as though the type of property you need may be cheaper, but you might need more than 50% equity from the marital home in order to afford your mortgage payments.

You should consult a family lawyer.

Yes- that’s the situation in a nutshell. He may need a 3 bed and I may need a 2 bed but ultimately he is a higher earner and has greater mortgage capacity than me.

Housing his older children isn’t your concern. 2/3 of house equity in exchange for not touching his pension would be fair, don’t settle for less than that. Spousal is very unlikely on your salaries.

Document everything for your son, keep everything registered to you/your home and if you’ve always been the primary carer he may not get 50/50.

So you have 6/7 on the basis of a s7? I would definately not go into fdr based on 50/50 unless the child arrangements order changes this BEFORE FDR. You will be housing your son.

If you estimate a mortgage at 4 times salary that works out at:

You £172k + £100k deposit =£272k
Him £245k + £50k deposit = £295k

What can be bought in the school catchments (primary for you, 15yr olds secondary for him) for those figures? That's is what a judge will be interested in. Remember neither of you is entitled to be able to buy a house from the proceeds of a divorce - but you need to be able to house yourselves and your dependant children. But you should be abke to argue that you both should have have equal ability to buy rather than rent given your salaries.

I'd be seeking £90-100k from the house in return for leaving his pension alone. Clearly you've had legal advice which should be followed ahead of advice from MN however I'd drop the spousal if he drops the 50/50...

Whatever you do I'd go ahead with the fdr and get a sealed agreement. Also ask your solicitor about education (university) costs for your son - advice here is evolving so I'm not sure where it's at now!

@LittleOwl153 thank you. Yes current cao is 6/7 nights to me and 50% school hols to him. He’s applied for 50/50. Fhdra on 50/50 is in feb and fdr is in March!! Fdr has been adjourned once already as oenduons info not available.

yes défo going to be asking re uni costs especially as he claimed these as capital costs for his 2 kids (despite one being 15) and nothing about our joint ds costs for uni!!!

i find it difficult to get strategic advice from lawyers anx it’s always so different

There was an argument for including that sons dad pays x% of parental contribution for uni.

There is also an argument for leaving this out as the child can then request (legally) directly in their own right as there is no provision.

Stuff around this gets complex especially if you ex's earnings are 'variable' so as I say ask your solicitor - it should be a no brainer for them as there are specifics about what can be included.