Under 18 domestic abuse report to police?

[Adviceneededplease72]

Have name changed for this.
17 year old DD has been experiencing control, emotional abuse and more recently some physical abuse including being slapped once.
Social services now know and have advised we report to the police. Whilst I know that if this is the correct way forward, I need to do it, I am also very worried about doing so for a number of reasons.
This boy is autistic (diagnosed but mum didn’t accept it). He has unmet mental health needs due to mother preferring not to access help for him. He has tried telling college and GP he needs help and been advised to immediately access support when he turns 18.
If we report to police and they decide charges must be pressed, he will be destroyed. As a mother, all I want is for him to get the help he needs and will comply with keeping them apart while I can but I do not want him to be charged and potentially given a custodial sentence. I can’t see that that would help him.
Does anyone know what police might decide to do in circumstances like these?

Hi op I'm sorry to hear about the situation.

Tbh I don't think the police will do much about it other then give him a warning due to his needs. They may also contact social services(although they are involved already) and maybe try get him some help if needed.

It's so hard to understand why some parents cannot accept there child for who they are. But surely she must try get him some help.

I hope it works itself out hun

What does your DD want to do? I’m not sure this is your decision. However your prevarication gives a pretty mixed (at best) message about tolerance of abuse.

I do think that police are the best option. They will probably give 'words of advice' and nothing more however having that police involvement will mean that he is likely to get support. We found once there was police involvement things seemed to move quicker. It also is important that you are clear to your DD that what she is experiencing is unacceptable- no matter what the other child's diagnosis. The other child also needs to have the support to learn how to have appropriate relationships - the sooner the better.

The only problem is that if the other mum doesn't engage in the process.

Social care have different agencies they can refer the other child to but as the other party you wouldn't have any control in what the other child receives.

Do you know if the other child has an EHCP? If so they should be able to access support up to 25yrs

Thank you for advice so far, I really appreciate it.
Jadey1991, that’s helpful to read.
VanCleefArpels- DD, as you’d imagine has mixed feelings. She and he believe they love each other and want to continue as a couple with support for them both. She also understands that they need to split but doesn’t consistently enough to accept it to leave him. She will have to though.
Lorissparkle - he doesn’t have an EHCP but she does. Thanks for passing on your knowledge and experience.

It sounds very complex and a difficult situation for you both to navigate.

Are they at the same college? They may have staff who can support both students with understanding appropriate behaviour in a relationship.

I once worked with neurodiverse teenagers (and now have my own neurodiverse teenagers). Dealing with the challenges of relationships in both environments was incredibly tricky.

17 year old DD has been experiencing control, emotional abuse and more recently some physical abuse including being slapped once.

What are you actually doing about getting DD to block the boy, go NC with him, and get the college to ensure they don't have to work together if they share any classes? You've escalated quite significantly (rightly) but this isn't just some random person she sees on the street who has walked up to her and started telling her what to do, is it? No, it's not. This is some sort of relationship. You haven't said it's an ex-relationship and TBH you sound like you're trying to "save" him at your DD's expense.

She needs support to completely avoid him and you need to stop centring him and his experiences and making excuses for him and instead centre her and what she needs from you. She should have zero opportunities for him to harass, control or abuse her in the future and you need to make that happen above all else.

She is not allowed to be with him on the college grounds and we have not allowed her to see him since we reported his behaviour. She won’t accept blocking him and I don’t know how I can force that.

Report the abuse to the police. Then get a non molestation order. The police should put a temporary one in place but this needs to be followed up. As in everything the needs of the victim trump the excuses of the perpetrator.

Your daughter could get pregnant and then you have more safeguarding issues and your grandchild will be at risk or in care.

This boy knows he is doing wrong and he knows he has problems and he knows he is hurting your daughter. He won’t leave her alone. This is now on him and it isn’t even on his mother. Because he can go to a GP tomorrow and at least try to get help. IMO you and your daughter are falling for standard abuser bullshit.

What concerns me is that my daughter is very unlikely to cease contact, even if we try to prevent it or involve police and there is a non molestation order, and she is 18 very soon. At the moment she shares things with me and I can support her and I worry that doing the ‘right thing’ by trying everything to remove contact will break the trust and put her at greater risk. It is important to me that she gets support which can hopefully enable her to come to terms with things herself and make the right decisions.

If you can't persuade her to break up with him, the first call should be a GP or clinic to get her some long acting contraception, e.g. the coil or the implant. Protect her future while you can.

Does she have plans for after college, e.g. University? Going away to uni was the death knell for my abusive teen relationship, it felt awful at the time but it was good for me to build a group of friends who didn't know my ex, & realise there were men out there who didn't behave like that.

P.s. as an autistic person I'm free to say - it's possible to be both autistic and an arsehole. Please don't excuse his bad behaviour as autism - if he is capable of having a so-called loving adult relationship with someone, he knows hitting and abuse is unacceptable. Plenty of us don't abuse our partners when having a meltdown.

A young person of 17 should be able to access MH support without needing parental consent, are you sure he’s telling the truth about being advised to access support when he’s 18 because that does not sound right at all…