Family court and DV

[Xenalisa]

Hi I was wondering if anyone could help. I split from my perpetrator abusing ex partner last year, had to flea violence. We have a child together who is now 2.5 years. His "father" hasn't seen since he was 10 months old. He has alot of criminal history, sadly the courts dropped his charges with lack of evidence baring in mind there was loads. Myself and alot of people find this awful and completely unfair. I put a child contact order in to stop contact due to the danger of this man. We've just had our 3rd hearing he's been recommended no contact unless he does recommendations, DV course for 6months and apply back to court for the matter after and reassessed. He has never paid or contributed to his sons life and randomly in our hearing Monday after 11 month of this he's now saying he wants a dna test, it's bizarre and he's playing games as he knows full well I couldn't ever cheat, the level of control I had over me was out of this world. I couldn't even go in the local shop with out him by my side. He gave up work so I was never out his sight. It was awful, I was trapped for a while. My fear is courts allowing him contact if he does the DV course, he is now drug dealing and taking alot of drugs which is also on previous history and having firearms. Can anyone help me. Will he be allowed contact even if I know he's a drug dealer and abuses drugs heavily. Can I pull out this case?? Please help

Honestly. Get a family barrister. This is too complex. They can get drugs tests done and conduct the case for you. Yes. It costs, but I think proven DV gets you legal aid. Go snd see a solicitor about this.

If a case could not process due to insufficient evidence, what others think is irrelevant. Court evidence must stand up to scrutiny. If there’s doubt it’s unlikely to be a successful prosecution.

Thank you for your reply, I do have a solicitor but they don't seem to support me or reassure me to be honest. They keep very quiet and to minimum contact unless it's near the hearing times. I have wrote a email to withdraw from the process because not only Is it just the domestic violence it is his criminal lifestyle, drug abuse, dealing, Fraud, driving illegally, mental health, self harming, anger, he has alot of reasons against him in this situation and its sounding like if he does his DV course they'll re asses him. Where as in my eyes it's alot of factors he should be near his son not just the DV. I'm so lost and upset by this I can't focus on my life while this is going on. My little niece has just been diagnosed with cancer and I'm trying to my best to support my brother and wife through there cruel process too it's all getting too much for me 😪

SHOULDNT be near his son*

OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been through similar stuff and it’s a complete nightmare and unfortunately I don’t think the family courts are properly switched on in how they deal with domestic abuse cases. Although they are getting better since I first went to court over a decade ago now.

I’m pretty sure you can’t pull out of the case just because it’s not going the way you wanted it to. Legally or practically. Even if you were allowed to drop the case, all that means is that there is no court order around contact and his father can legally just pick him up from nursery or whatever and take him home with him. So that doesn’t help you at all.

I will say don’t panic, because with this sort of man it is highly unlikely he will actually complete the DV course. And even if he does they will reassess the situation then, they haven’t said he’ll automatically have contact then. Also the way the courts are right now, the case won’t get scheduled for ages after he completes the course. It’s actually good they’ve ordered this, I wish they’d ordered my ex to do it but like I say things have actually improved quite a bit in the family courts as to taking domestic abuse allegations more seriously (still a long way to go for sure).

The drugs thing is huge as well, he’ll have to take drug tests to show he isn’t taking drugs before they’re going to allow him any sort of meaningful contact with a young child if you have told the court he is on drugs. They’re dealing with this one step at a time.

Try to focus on your own life and enjoying your child in these windows between court cases is my advice. It’s going to be at least 6 months and probably way more before this comes back to court so relax right now. Maybe get a counsellor to talk to about things. I understand it feels frustrating not to have much contact with solicitors at this stage but legally there is nothing more for them to do at this point, the hall has been left in your ex’s court. And try to remember that your solicitor is not a counsellor/therapist.

Hi thank you for your response. Yes this is the most torturing process. I have read if you want to withdraw you may write a request to the courts setting out your reasons and its upto the court to decide. Iv tried anyway to see. At present he's currently not allowed contact anyway we've had the sectio. 7 report from cafcass which recommendations are no contact at present. We was meant to have a fact find hearing which is not not required due to when his charged got dropped in Feb, the police non molestation order disclosed my new address that I flead too and the abuse picked up since, my mother's address has been targeted with tyre slashing, and in June myself and my children had to come out before setting off for a day at the beach to my car windows smashed. Obviously no doubt who it is. I just think the process is very mentally hard and they don't take into consideration the victim and children and how they feel going through a process to keep there kids safe. My argument is the social services told me last year I had to keep him away from my son and I have done since that day. I want nothing from him, he doesn't pay, nor do I want or need him too, he's never sent his son birthday or Xmas present, in court on Monday he said he was happy for me to change his surname to mine. It's literally crystal clear he's not doing this for his son. Its more targeting me, and sadly I think he's only going through this case as he thinks it's going to bring us closer again at the end. Which is far from the truth. He has convictions of drug dealing and this year when police disclosure was done he has been caught with cannabis. He's got fire arms on his record, stab proof vest, taser, prohibited weapons with ammunition, violence too. I just can't get my head around how it's so hard to do what's right. 😩

I am sorry to hear you have been through a similar situation. I hope you are in a better position and happy in life and things worked out the way you wanted. X

I totally agree with you that not enough account (or in fact any account) is taken of the impact this all has on someone who has already been through horrific domestic abuse.

I do of course understand that a child custody case is all about what’s in the child’s best interest but I definitely believe more consideration should be given to the negative impact of it all on a parent who is a victim of abuse from the other parent also, and more effort should be made to minimise this.

It would also be great if the family courts would have more recognition of parents dragging a case through the courts as part of ongoing attempts to control and abuse their former partner, and that it’s clearly sod-all to do with the child who they can’t even be bothered to financially contribute to etc.

It’s great though that they’ve decided a fact finding hearing isn’t even necessary in your case as they can plainly see there is domestic abuse going on right in front of their eyes.

Honestly I would try not to lose too much sleep over this right now, it really sounds to me like he won’t be given any sort of meaningful custody until he jumps through a hell of a lot of hoops one after the other to prove that he can reform himself to become a truly fit parent. And I would bet that he’s going to find that extremely difficult to do/may not even want to do it, unless he truly becomes a completely changed man (seems unlikely!).

Like you say, his motivation isn’t to do with getting to know and spend time with his child, it’s to control you. It’s one thing to fill in a form to take your ex to court when that allows you to have more control over them, it’s quite another level of effort to spend 6 months doing a perpetrator course and being repeatedly asked to reflect on and face up to your actions and accept that you were basically the bad guy in this scenario etc. He just won’t do it I bet. It’s really common for abusers to just not bother following through if the judge takes this line.

Even if he does the next thing will be proving that he isn’t on drugs, hasn’t got weapons, hasn’t been involved in any recent violent conflict etc. He won’t be getting custody anytime soon, and when he does it will be for short periods only while supervised in a contact centre and built from there only if it all goes well. And that’s not accounting for all the court delays which are bound to happen in between. I think you’re a long way off that (if he ever gets there which as I say I doubt from what you’ve said about him).

I’d worry that withdrawing from the case might negate the previous decision from the court that he shouldn’t have contact. Talk to your solicitor about it. I doubt they’ll let you withdraw in a case like this where they’re basically still evaluating the long term safety of contact with his father anyway but honestly I think it’s a good thing. You probably don’t see this as having gone your way at the moment but trust me, it’s hard to see how it could have gone any more in your favour than this! You have “won” so far (in as far as there is any winning in these things).

With me things have been long and drawn out and complicated. However I’m still very glad to be out of the abusive relationship, no longer in and out of family court every 5 minutes (it really helps when your kid reaches the teen years and can properly speak for themselves!) and I am very happy that my son has grown up protected from domestic abuse.

And hopefully your case will be nothing like as complex, my solicitors said my case is very unusual in how drawn/out it ended up being (mainly because he kept dragging us back to court over and over, I did get him basically labelled as a vexatious litigant at one point and he had to apply for special permission from the judge directly to even apply for a new child custody case against me - of course he got around that by abducting our son which forced it all back to court as an emergency case anyway).

I’m not where I want to be in life yet TBH, but it’s possible to get there from here and it wouldn’t have been had I stayed in the abusive relationship, or afterwards had I not fought my ex through the family courts to protect my son. My son is an absolutely lovely young man who will make an amazing husband some day and I’m confident that no cycle of abuse will be carried on by him. So that’s been worth all the effort. I’m so proud of who he’s become.

Totally, I find it so traumatic going through this. I have a elder son of 11 years from a previous relationship, his father is great and they have a amazing relationship, where as my latest relationship (abuser) has 2 previous daughters with 2 previous woman and doesn't have a relationship with any of them?! If I was a judge I'd definitely be questioning that and why he's happy to not have nothing to do with them children. My only guess is he's a Misogynist (judge said so too) so he never wanted his daughters. Plus those mums have moved on and happily with other people so he doesn't feel the need to try because he knows it's not the kids he's interested in. I think he still has intelligence I am single because I'm still traumatised by men after him.

Yes I agree, I don't think the process is fair. I understand they have to be mutual and not side with one or the other. But I do feel like they could have a bit more compassion to the victims in this situation. If he's been proven he's a abuser why they treating me like I am too! That's what I don't agree with. It makes me feel like iv done something wrong by going through a process with the intention to do right by my son involved.

I am happy to hear your in a better position in your life and your boy has grew up to be the person he is because of all of your hard work. I feel like once you've been involved in this kind of stuff anything after it feels so easy and happy just to be free and not tied up with hell. Sometimes sadly the trauma stays with us but to be happy and enjoying life with my children without this in the back ground would be make me a super happy mum again and that's all i ask. It's not even alot to ask for 🫣 how long did your case go on for?

I am preying they do drugs test him as I have a high chance he will decline it or he may just do it and fail miserably. His section 7 report says "he does cannabis but cut down" which is very untrue he will tell them the most basic version of what is true. I know full well he is dealing cocaine and sniffing through his stock. My barrister and judge noticed he was under influence of drugs in his hearing. Its such a shame its not clear I'm doing thr right thing.

Sadly they also don't even take into account weirdly that he has no kids to look after doesn't even work despite having all the time in the world too. (Clearly because he has income from dealing) yet he's still never paid for his son, sent him any bday or Xmas presents literally nothing. But they ignore that too. Iv told them I don't want or need him to anyway. But still these are things that they should take into consideration can he even afford a child?!

My case went on for over seven years in the end. But I was told that was unusual so don’t panic! Your case also seems a bit more clear cut than mine as it goes, my abuser was super manipulative, no criminal/drugs history etc, was brilliant at playing the misunderstood doting father just desperate for a chance/pillar of the local community, of course wouldn’t dream of being abusive to me and has no idea why I’m making up such nonsense etc. and had the judges fooled unfortunately.

Whatever the section 7 report has said it’s important that you’ve put in writing to the court your concerns that there is actually more drugs use going on than a bit of cannabis, they’ll be duty bound to check it out and I expect your solicitor could push for a drugs test. After all, if he isn’t on drugs it’s simple for him to prove it before being in charge of a young child. Make sure you discuss it with them before the next court case. Although it’s good he’s admitted to the cannabis, I know that’s seen as not such a big deal in many situations these days but I expect a judge will still have significant concerns about someone smoking cannabis and being in charge of such a young child.

I agree the whole process is frustrating and grinds you down, it makes you feel like you’re the one who is in the wrong just by being at court. The amount of times I’ve had to sit there while the judge says things like “it’s such a shame the parents in this case can’t stop acting like children, put their child’s interests ahead of their own, and sort out their differences instead of coming to court over this”. I’ve never acted like a child and I’m literally there at court to protect my child’s best interests ahead of mine. It wasn’t for my sake that I put myself through such an arduous process it was all for my son. The last time we went for court I actually instructed my barrister to challenge any statements along those lines because I’d heard them so often and it was so blatantly unfair that I was being tarred with the same brush and judged for eg coming to court to sort things out after my ex literally abducted our child. What was I supposed to do FFS?! Anyway, it was said again and my barrister did challenge it (I knew he didn’t want to because they always want to suck up to the judges and I understand that but as he’s specifically been instructed he did say it). The judge didn’t respond but he didn’t argue back either and I feel I got my point across!