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Original poster

Please help - divorcing disaster

33 replies

notsorighteousthesedays · 07/11/2023 17:39

Husband left in November 18, got a decree nisi in August last year. Have had to go for financial remedy as will not communicate except through his Solicitors, I am not legally represented.

First hearing was due 31/10/23 and I am a complete mess physically and mentally, I managed yo send the Form E and most documents in time but had to admit defeat on 22/10 - I would not be ready - I posted a letter to the court (6.45 am) on 23/10 asking for this meeting to be rearranged and emailed his solicitor on 24/10 saying I had done this.

On 1/11 I got an email from his solicitor saying thay had gone to the meeting and the judge was angry that I had not turned up and was being fined.

I wrote to the court again (I have no other means of contact)!the same day explaining what I had done.

Today I have received another email from his solicitor with a document saying once again that I had not notified the court that I would not be there and that I am in all sorts of trouble.

What do I do?

Why is everything coming via his solicitor - isn't that a conflict of interest. Is there anyone I can speak to to find out why the judge was not told I had asked for a delay?
I honestly feel desperate....

OP posts:
Giantgold · 07/11/2023 17:41

Do you not have your own solicitor?

Giantgold · 07/11/2023 17:41

His solicitor is representing

of course it isn’t a conflict of interest

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 07/11/2023 17:45

You have to go to court. Even if you haven't filed everything you cannot reschedule a court hearing. It's not a 'meeting' it's a hearing and if you haven't filed on time the judge would expect you to attend to explain why.

Original poster
notsorighteousthesedays · 07/11/2023 18:12

@Giantgold I did have but it was not helpful as they couldn't understand why I couldn't do what they asked.
Sorry, I don't understand do you mean his solicitor is representing the judge/court too?
@Bobtheamazinggingerdog I wrote to the court (Form G?) saying I wasn't well enough and hadn't got stuff ready and asked for it to be postponed I told his solicitor too. I couldn't think of anything else to do. I am on the sick having tests for physical issues and seeing a counsellor for my mental health.

OP posts:
fernsandlilies · 07/11/2023 18:25

Courts are massively underfunded and short of staff. Your posted letter and unfortunately your email also will probably not yet have been processed.

Court hearings are not optional. It is not an appointment at the hairdresser where you can just ask to move it to another date. The judge will be well aware of the huge number of other cases waiting to be heard and the pressure on him/her to get through them all. You should always, always attend and explain if you are having problems.

The solicitor representing your husband has a duty to the court to communicate with you and keep you informed. Again , the shortage of court staff means that the letters you should be getting from the court will be delayed, but you will get copies of court orders directly to you. In the meantime, your ex's solicitor is doing the right thing by letting you know what happened in your absence.

Twillow · 07/11/2023 18:31

I would imagine your letter did not arrive in sufficient time to change the hearing. A week's notice is probably not enough. Can you ring the court and see if it was received?
Things are coming via his solicitor as you don't have one and his was present at the meeting. His solicitor may not have been frank with the judge about your request for a postponement, to be honest, as he's acting in your ex's interests.
I would look into McKenzie friends in your position.

Intelligenthair · 07/11/2023 18:34

He left five years ago and you couldn’t get everything ready in time?

DelphiniumBlue · 07/11/2023 18:42

A request to postpone the hearing is not the same as an agreement by the court to postpone. A Court hearing is not a meeting.
Can you phone the court to ask them to confirm what has happened and to ask what you need to do now?
And call the solicitors and ask them what is happening - it sounds like the not only did you miss the original date, but there may have been a subsequent date that you missed :"Today I have received another email from his solicitor with a document saying once again that I had not notified the court that I would not be there and that I am in all sorts of trouble."
His solicitors are technically officers of the court, which means that they should let you know of new dates arranged, and send you copies of documents filed - although they are his solicitors ,they are expected to behave professionally and helpfully to you, which includes not misleading you. The court will also send you the paperwork, but it may take them a long time to get things out to you because of backlogs.

izzygirlis4 · 07/11/2023 18:43

You can't just not bother to turn up to a court hearing. It's not a polite suggestion to come for a meeting. It's a court order and a hearing.

If you wanted to adjourn then you make an application supported by evidence to explain why you weren't ready. The judge would then decide whether to grant your adjournment.

I'm always bemused by people like you. It's court. You are supposed to follow court orders not just decide you don't fancy complying.

Bobbybobbins · 07/11/2023 18:45

You should be able to ring the court? When I wanted an update on a case I was involved in, it was fairly straightforward to ring a court officer.

Giantgold · 07/11/2023 18:48

You had a solicitor but * I did have but it was not helpful as they couldn't understand why I couldn't do what they asked.*

OP - I have to say, the more you write, the more I feel growing sympathy for your ex

Original poster
notsorighteousthesedays · 07/11/2023 19:15

@Giantgold thanks for that, actually it is my chronic PTSD from the abusive end to our very long relationship which is preventing me from being able to process things.

OP posts:
Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 07/11/2023 19:23

i have sympathy for your mental ill health. However you HAVE to drag yourself to court regardless. I assume you have medical evidence of the PTSD?

RudsyFarmer · 07/11/2023 19:27

Well this works well for those with mental health problems doesn’t it? Not everyone feels able to attend court and it sounds like OP is one of those people. So it’s all well and good to tell OP
she HAS to attend, but the reality is she was unable to and is wondering what the consequences will be.

AnnaMagnani · 07/11/2023 19:28

You HAVE to go court.

The judge will be more sympathetic to you as they have to give more support to people representing themselves - but if you aren't there, they think you are just messing about.

If you had got there and then struggled and didn't have everything ready, it would be 1000x better than not going at all.

sparklefresh · 07/11/2023 19:29

I'm sorry for your MH difficulties OP but court isn't optional. If I were you, I'd try and find a solicitor to represent you going forward. They will be able to help you.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 07/11/2023 19:31

RudsyFarmer · 07/11/2023 19:27

Well this works well for those with mental health problems doesn’t it? Not everyone feels able to attend court and it sounds like OP is one of those people. So it’s all well and good to tell OP
she HAS to attend, but the reality is she was unable to and is wondering what the consequences will be.

The consequence will be that the judge will find in her absence and she'll be totally shafted.
If she can't go to court she needs medical evidence that she can't. Otherwise she has to.

Giantgold · 07/11/2023 19:37

If you have diagnosed PTSD, with medical evidence, then presumably you raised this OP?

Original poster
notsorighteousthesedays · 07/11/2023 19:52

I asked for help, I already know I am a useless fool.

I don't have evidence of sex without consent either so that's something else I couldn't submit.

And yes, I am looking for a way out but I don't want my children to be hurt anymore.

OP posts:
Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 07/11/2023 20:07

It's not going to help you to get snippy with posters who are telling you what you need to do.
You wrote to the court a week before a hearing to ask to postpone because you didn't file your paperwork on time. We are explaining why you can't do that, and why regardless of whether you've filed on time, you have to attend a hearing. Lots of people don't know this, and assume hearings can be rescheduled, and it's helpful to tell you that's not the case. Even if the court had received your email on time the judge wouldn't have rescheduled without agreement of all parties, meaning your ex husband would have had to agree.
We are also telling you that without medical evidence, the court will not accept any reason for you not to attend. You can point out how difficult that is for you, you can complain that it's unfair, but it doesn't change the fact.
You have the information now, what you do with it is up to you.

Crazycatlady83 · 07/11/2023 20:35

I'm sorry you are currently suffering OP.

Have you actually received a copy of the Order made by the Judge at the hearing on the 31st? If so, what does it say? Does it have a new date for the filing of your evidence.

If not, call the court and ask for a copy asap.

The "fine" could be that your ex husband has legal representation and attended court. You did not. Therefore the hearing was "wasted" and so was the costs of his solicitor. They may have asked for their costs to be paid for by you. It will say this in the court order.

Consider instructing a solicitor, they will help and guide you through the process.

Collaborate · 08/11/2023 06:34

Everything is online with the court. You should be able to log in to the court portal and see orders and forthcoming hearings. Anything you want to file is done via the portal.

To be frank the judge will expect you to engage, file a form E, and attend hearings. If you choose not to engage for whatever reason the case will continue without your input.

Mumof3confused · 08/11/2023 08:56

@Collaborate Lirigants in person don’t have access to the portal. Their only contact with the court is via email and letters.

op, when you email court you have to clearly state your Case no so that they can deal with your email. All documents you submit also have to be clearly marked with the case number in the file name and in the header.

If you are emailing court close to a hearing (ie 48 hours) and it is urgent, you need to mark your email as ‘urgent’.

Ask your ex’s solicitor to tell you when the next hearing is, and to share any court documents since you have not received them.

You mention evidence about sex without consent but this is not something the court expects to see in relation to finances. Are you able to get someone to help you prepare the documentation for the next hearing, even if it’s just to advise you on what to include? It’s important to get everything right.

Original poster
notsorighteousthesedays · 08/11/2023 11:55

Thanks for the good advice. I have rung the court this morning (can't believe I needed to be told!) and the file has been checked and shows that my request/notice of absence was received on 24th and added on 25th.

To clarify I had submitted Form E and supprting docs by the September deadline but extra information had been requested.

The person I spoke to will raise the issue with a DJ today/tomorrow when he gets the chance - this may not get the 'wastage' costs removed but will at least make it clear that I did abide by the rules.

So, not much further but I feel a little better. Still a long, long way to go but I might sleep tonight.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
Differencesclear · 08/11/2023 15:54

Op did your solicitor refuse to continue to represent you?