ExH redundancy

[GlobalPymtWorry]

My friend got divorced just over a year ago with a global payment due for 5 years. This includes child maintenance and spousal maintenance and is 50% of exH monthly wage after tax (3.5k). They have 2 school aged children and friend currently works self employed PT (about 9 hours a week). Friend has the children all the time bar every other weekend. The divorce settlement was 75/25 in her favour.
ExH has just been told he is being made redundant. He hasn’t been told his package but he suspects it to be around £30k. He has just dropped the bombshell he wants to look for a lesser paying job with less hours as he wants to see the children more. He will likely earn around 60-70k in a new role. Are the global payments valid for the 5 years stated in the consent order? He has said not having the children has had an awful impact on his MH. He will apply for a variation order once he has a new role as won’t be able to afford the current payment. Her head is spinning as she thought she had 5 years to get herself on her feet.

She should start applying for full time work immediately. She needs to think about wrap-around care for her dcs, and accept that her ex will probably get 50:50 and she will lose her maintenance.

If she can't afford her mortgage, she could look at extending the term or going interest only until rates come down. Or selling& buying something cheaper.

She also needs to accept that her lifestyle will change dramatically.

On the bright side her dcs are in school so there is no reason why she can't work full time immediately.

She doesn’t want 50/50. She has them all the time other than EOW and has been their main caregiver since they were born. She feels she her life is imploding. She feels they are better with her. She won’t hear of sharing them with him regardless of what is best for them. She is happy for him to have them for dinner more (they live 5/10 mins walk apart) so this could work, but he is angry she is forcing him into a ‘Disney dad’ because she doesn’t support herself and the pressure is impacting his MH. I can see people here think im a partner, or the exH but I am genuinely just her friend. At one point I was friends with both of them. Divorce is just awful and been horrible for both of them. I don’t speak with exH now as he is angry with me. I wish I wasn’t so involved, but she has leant on me since she left him. I think the only option is more legal help to see where she stands.

She won’t hear of sharing them with him regardless of what is best for them.

Poor kids. Hope he pursues a court order for increased contact.

Whether she wants 50:50 or not, the court will decide and that's their starting point. Her ex is just as entitled to spend time with his children as she is.

Ideally she will accept that and start working with her ex to ensure they live close to each other, both close to the school, and that the dcs can have equal time with each parent. It also works better for everyone if they can share pickups and drop offs.

They have a decade of co-parenting to get through and it will be a much happier experience for the dcs if they both get their heads around that now.

I had a friend in a similar situation.

She retrained as a teaching assistant to work school hours and build up. With the plan to do her PGCE and build a career as the kids get older.

Her ex pushed for more time and think they are are 55/45 now.

She hated it but couldn't stop the increases. Your friend needs a dose of reality I think.

@Rosecoffeecup she may mellow once the shock of this news has kicked in. This isn’t her finest hour but she is lovely. She can downsize, but will probably have to move a few miles to a cheaper area. Her argument is that she got the global payment in a lump sum (she is suggesting he sells up and downsizes to accommodate this) she won’t have to and she feels it’s her right as it’s what they agreed in the divorce.

If he's been made redundant how is she expecting him to pay the extra years? She can't have money he doesn't have. Can't get blood from a stone.

Appreciate she's getting ground rush right now but holding onto unrealistic expectations is going to make it harder. She needs to face up to the new world.

As her friend please don't let her go into court with this attitude, she'll get her arse handed to her.

The thing is she can't have what he doesn't have to give. £3.5k a month is a huge amount and if he's not going to be earning £7k net a month going forwards then he won't be able to give it to her.

She is going to have to adjust her lifestyle to suit her means, that means she will need to get a job, which is reasonable.

@Darkandstormynite hopefully a chat with a lawyer will manage her expectations- although during the divorce she insisted on 100% and spousal maintenance until the children were 18. She was steadfast this is what she deserved.. They spent so much on lawyers he wanted to go to arbitration. She would only agree if he covered all her costs. He then just applied to go court. At that point her solicitor said to settle- after taking ££££. She is sure she is right in this. I don’t know how she is going to cope.

Wow! If I’d been in her situation, I would have been aiming to be financially independent of EXH with his money as for the children or to fall back on only early on in the process. 9hrs a week is not striving for financial independence when the children are in school at least 35 hours a week. She needs to get a job that pays like the rest of us do.

Assuming her EXH wasn’t abusive, she can’t just dictate that he can’t see the children. From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like he is.

The more I’m hearing about the friend, the more I think she’s a piece of work who is trying to rinse this guy and have him pay for her luxurious lifestyle.

Why did she divorce him? (Sorry if you’ve already said and I missed it)

Diddums. If she needs to work for money, her kids go into childcare, like thousands of others.

She may end up racking up even bigger legal bills this time and he won't be paying them. She could get into a really bad financial situation if she's not careful.

Plenty of solicitors will take her money to chase an unreleastic outcome and then she's left with the bill and even less than she had before.

She needs to get real and really assess carefully her next move. There's no safety net now.

Your friend is in for a very rude awakening.

I think she does need to see a solicitor for a proper explanation of what the original order says about when it can be reviewed

@BeingATwatItsABingThing she didn’t love him anymore. Carried all the mental load. He gave her the ick. She felt she’d be happier without him and up until now she has been. He wasn’t abusive and (even she would admit) when he is around he is a great dad. She always thought he would do the right thing by her, but he has said he can only afford 3 months with his gardening leave and when he gets a new role (which he will find based on his ability to be with the children so expects it to be a decrease in wages) will apply for a variation and wants to see the children more. He says he hasn’t been given a package yet but expects it won’t be much more than the standard so around 30k.

This is what happens when you get divorced, you have no control over decisions made by your ex, including those which effect income.

What was she planning to do if he died and all maintenance stopped?

On what basis did she get spousal?

How old are the children?

She sounds a real nightmare tbh. I have sympathy with dh and I don't even know his side of the story.

@FSTraining not sure of exact ages but one is in year 3 the other year 5 so primary school

Her reasons for wanting to end the relationship are valid but his responsibility to her is over now. His responsibility to his children is still there but it sounds like he wants to meet that - just not in the way she wants. Tough luck for her. He’s entitled to see them just as much as she is. The children will benefit a lot more from a present and loving dad than they will from just his money.

You can see why she is upset, she thought she had a final agreement that would mean she didn't have to worry and that's now changed. Hugely difficult.

However, situations do change and he does have the right to apply for this change. When she has got over being angry / upset, she needs to shift that energy onto how to support herself. It won't do the children any harm to have a working mother.

I know someone whose exH died after their (significant) monthly settlement was agreed. He had remarried so his first wife (& mother of his children) didn't receive the pension or life assurance payouts.

Having never been in this position , I probably shouldn't have an opinion but I had a friend who had a similar arrangement. She was married 20 years and when her children were still quite young she decided she loved someone else and initiated a divorce. When they were married the decision had been made that my friend would not work until the kids went to uni or were out of the house. During and after the divorce she insisted that her then husband had made that deal with her and that had to continue. She dragged the divorce on much longer than it should have been so she didn't have to go to work. I always thought that was unfair, especially since she wanted out of the marriage.

I realise this isn’t shining her in glory but @Chewbecca you seem to have the same empathy as me- so thank you for that. She is a lovely, personable and intelligent woman that has never had to worry about supporting herself. This is all new ground and I’m telling you how it is as part of me wants to cuddle her and ply her with ice cream and the other half wants to give her a shake and say get in the real world. But legally I was t sure if she has a point as the court order is a legal agreement and that seems to be something she needs advice on- but unlikely it stands.