Name changed because this is outing, get the long time MNer (cutted up pear, CentreParcs bumsex etc).
Posting on behalf of my friend ("Friend") who is in the middle of a serious health scare.Sorry it's long and complicated.
She is carer for her wife ("Wife") who has MS which affects her physically but also cognitively/executive function which is a relatively rare presentation. She also has various other medical issues that make her very unwell most of the time.
Wife is able to just about hold down a part time job but it's always touch and go. She has regular treatment and has had to quit jobs/stop work at points when her health is poorer. MS is relapsing-remitting but she's never been "back to normal" since her diagnosis. It's more "bad or worse" than "ill or well".
Friend works full time and is obviously the main earner and the main carer for their 2yo child ("Child"). Friend was birth parent to Child, but both Friend and Wife have legal parental responsibility.
Basically their home set up works only because Friend is able to hold everything together.
Wife does take care of the Child and they adore each other but only when Friend is around to at least indirectly supervise. The maximum she does is short walks/nursery pickup/ very short spells at home alone with her and only on her best days. On her bad days she is akin to an adult with a learning disability and is not safe alone with the Child.
Friend is now undergoing tests for something we all desperately hope is benign but may be very serious.
Until now the assumption has been that Friend is the well parent that holds it all together. This has suddenly put my friend into the awful position of having to think about what happens to her Child in a worst case scenario.
In the short term if she were ill/being treated friends and family can pitch in and help out. But if Friend were to die - how the hell does she make provision for her Child? And her Wife?
I said I'd help her do some research and wondered whether wise mumsnetters have any experience/ observations
Step 1 is obviously make a Will, which she will do - but what to put in it? If she dies, Wife will have parental responsibility so the default will be she has custody. No reason for anyone to get involved or think otherwise.
The quandry is - she won't be safe to look after the child alone. I assume social services would get involved when it gets to crisis point but obviously nobody wants it to get to that point. Is there any sort of pre -emptive assessment that social services could do in that case so that they know to swing into action if Friend died?
One option would be for Friend to leave custody of Child to get own brother or sister or even knew of her friends. But 1) could she even legally do that given wife has Parental Responsibility? 2) Is there a legal way that could be done whilst legally requiring they retaining some sort of right of visitation/access.
The ideal scenario is probably that Child stays with Wife, but in some sort of supported way but I don't know if that exists. Certainly the bond between Child and Wife is very strong, and it would be awful for Child if one mum died and then they were taken away from other Mum. Friend definitely feels Child would need wife if Friend died - but wouldn't be safe in her sole care.
Option of Wife and Child moving in with extended family would seem ideal but unlikely to work but maybe it's worth exploring. Wife has elderly parents but they are useless practically and don't help at all. Maybe it's an option but I'm not sure it's one that would give Friend much comfort. Friend's family are great but siblings live overseas and parents are also elderly and frail with health concerns.
What does she need to / is she able to do to plan for the worst? Having it sorted would give her peace I think. And this scare has made her realise it's something she needs to plan for proactively even if this current scare turns out not to be the worst. As you can imagine it's horrifying enough waiting for a diagnosis for something like this without "what the hell will happen to my child" running round your head as well.
I was wondering whether she can entrust one of us to notify social services and start a process if the worst were to happen. Should that be something she puts in a will? But even then there would be a period whilst Child was alone with Wife and not safe whilst that played out (and both grieving). Would SS then remove Child to foster care? Is there anything she can pre-emptively to avoid this? Specify a backup carer in case of SS removing the child so she doesn't go into the foster care system? Is that even necessary in a will, or would SS do that anyway?
Lots of think about but any advice or perspectives welcome. I've googled a bit but it's all quite genetic and this is quite a specific/difficult circumstance.