Should I seek legal advice for child arrangements

[singlemum93]

I've been separated from my ex partner for 6 months. We have a soon to be 3 year old son. He is abusive. I have separated myself from him as I luckily own my own home and financially able to support myself but it's taken some time to see how he goes through these cycles of abuse where by one minute he is happy and fine and nice to be around and then next he is awful and abusive. Although not physically although he has been to prison for a previous conviction. I believe he would get physical and has pushed me on occasions etc. I never thought I would be in this position but even since separating he is still showing these same cycles of abuse and life is very difficult dealing with him in terms of our child. He works shifts away and won't agree to definite childcare dates etc. is quite spontaneous with turning up or deciding he wants our son for the night etc which makes it difficult for us not to communicate. He likes to have me on the end of the phone as a friend and discuss our son constantly yet next minute abusive and awful to me. I would like to not have to communicate anymore because my mental health is shot and it's exhausting dealing with the constant changing behaviour. My boss suggested talking to a solicitor which I hadn't thought of because tbh I didn't think there was anything that could be done? Would it be unreasonable to get some legal advice? I'm sure this will poke the bear also but I'm at the end of my tether. If it were my choice I would not have him in my sons life at all but obviously that's not a choice I've got.

Also just to add he does other things like block my calls and messages so I can't contact him when he has my son which is distressing for me.

It would be perfectly reasonable to get some legal advice.

Yes get legal advice.

I would also suggest putting in sone boundaries that will help your mental state. Tell him a fixed set of days he can have your son, if he doesn't take you up on it thats up to him. Everyother weekend and and evening a week or similar. Be unavailable any other time, ask him to text not call or email so you can answer and read at your leasure rather then jumping at his every call. Take some control back.

The above only applies if you feel safe enough of course. If he has been physically violent before and fear he could again be wary of seizing control because that is what he wants, to control you.

Talk to a solicitor but in reality even if you get a Child Arrangements Order you would have to enforce it.

This means as the other posters have said you need to put in boundaries now.

Also the Family Court is reactive rather than proactive. This means until he actually pushes you/harms you and you call the police they will not do anything to protect you from him. And they won't do anything to protect your child until he actually harms your child, as you and your child are separate individuals.

BTW there are lots of nrp who work shifts.

It doesn't meant that they can't arrange in advance when they are available to see their child(ren).

All they do is agree that as soon as their shifts are released they tell their child(ren)'s other parent when they are available to see their child. This can happen anything from a week to many weeks in advance. If they have any sense they also tell their employer they have caring responsibilities.

This doesn't mean their shifts can't be changed or cancelled simply as some employers are awful while other employers don't have a choice. So don't rely on him as childcare.

Yes a CAO can work around shifts and enforce the use of a parenting APP. So when he has to give you his shifts and if he has regular fixed shifts then the pattern will work around that.

He has no right to expect to turn up as and when do contact so you can refuse and say he needs to take you to court and get a court order.

I agree with the rest of the comments, a solicitor would be your best choice. While he’s still providing some comfort at times, if he’s abusive towards you, you should be communicating with him as little as possible.

I would suggest a separation agreement if you haven’t created one yet. It can go over visitation rights and possibly an order so that your ex cannot physically get near you. When it comes to financial support, have a look at this article on child support. While it’s for the States, it explains the complexities of the situation really well, and it can translate to your situation here. Either way you should definitely go to a solicitor to help you handle all this.