13 year old running away/leaving home

[bellalula]

Yesterday my 13 year old autistic nephew left home. Packed a bag, told my sister that he was going to move in with his girlfriend and left. His girlfriend is 16 (and pregnant, apparently planned) and living at home with her mother, who has seemingly welcomed him into her home with open arms.

Sis has called police, who've said they can't make him come home (although they did go round there and tell him he should come back the next day). Sis has also phoned SS who basically said the same thing - they can't make him come home. They don't even consider there to be a child protection issue! They have opened a case because of the baby, but don't seem to have any urgency in dealing with it, or protecting nephew from what we're considering grooming/sexual abuse (he's been completely brainwashed by his g/f and her mother).

Is there anything more my DS can do? Seems bonkers that a (vulnerable) child she's legally responsible for can just go and live somewhere else?

That doesn't make it right tho.

A 16 year old boy and a 13 year old girl for example.

Consensual or not!

What if it was a 16yo boy and a 13yo girl. This is all sorts of fucked up.

Who said it's right?
The problem with this thread and attitudes in general is the immediate appeal to authorities to deal with problems within the family. If your 13 year old is running away and having sex and getting girls pregnant there is a huge issue in the family and relationships. Police won't solve that and nor will social services. What's probably needed is some family therapy but the teen needs to be engaged in that as well.
practically speaking there is very little police can do unless the child makes a complaint about the unlawful sexual activity. Technically I suppose they could use the baby as evidence but they couldn't get a DNA test without a court order and I just can't see how any of that would happen.
there is also very little social services can do. They aren't a source of free family therapy.

No previous issues that have led up to this current situation. 6 months ago he was just an emotionally immature 12 year old - only interested in playing playstation with his mates. He showed no interest in girls until overnight he suddenly had a girlfriend. He does tend to be quite obsessive/fanatical with a subject, right up until he loses interest, as is usual with autism. So he's got totally smitten with this girl and literally no one else in the world matters to him. It has surprised all of us how rapidly their relationship developed and how he's changed.

No real behavioural issues before, although has always had some difficulty accepting authority (from parents, teachers, scout leaders etc), that was always just put down to his autism, so he's got away with things that other kids would have been disciplined more strongly for. He's always walked all over his mother - in his eyes she's just there to be his servant. Her only failing is possibly to have been too tolerant of his attitude. He has a good family around him (despite separated parents), been doted on by his mother, no background or issues to have made him despise her (other than suspected manipulation by his g/f).

But now his relationship with his parents has broken down completely. They've tried everything to get him to talk to them about the pregnancy, but he's giving them the silent treatment and won't engage at all.

In some ways it really is as simple as at home his mum tells him what to do (tidy your room, feed your hamster etc), but at his g/f's house there is no one telling him what to do. G/F's mum is very lax with any parenting, and is rarely at home or sober. From what DS can gather she's openly encouraged their sexual relationship and was aware that they were trying for a baby.

DN had autism diagnosed officially about 5 years ago, but it was suspected from a young age. He's developed physically quite quickly, so appearance wise he looks 14/15, and to talk to he's quite self assured/confident. To the untrained eye you'd never know he is autistic. But when you get below the surface it becomes clear that he's rather emotionally immature.

I'm not sure family therapy is going to be possible any time soon, as DN simply won't engage with anything like that if his parent's are involved. Relationship with his g/f has caused him to totally alienate them - she seems to have convinced him that his parents are manipulating him. I think he needs some one on one therapy to try and get him to realise that he's a victim and his parents aren't the enemy.

It is more likely that she will be still at school in the lower sixth surely ? Although maybe not as she is pregnant.

No real behavioural issues before, although has always had some difficulty accepting authority (from parents, teachers, scout leaders etc), that was always just put down to his autism, so he's got away with things that other kids would have been disciplined more strongly for. He's always walked all over his mother - in his eyes she's just there to be his servant. Her only failing is possibly to have been too tolerant of his attitude

No real behaviour issues apart from believing his mother is there to be his servant and difficulty accepting authority, and parents let him walk all over them.

as a social work manager, we get SO MANY referrals from parents who haven't got a cooking clue how to set boundaries for their teenagers who are totally ruling the roost and it always, always comes down to a failure to parent properly from a young age which results in teenagers with no respect who believe they can do whatever they want. It's extremely difficult if not impossible to row back on this dynamic once it has been embedded by years of permissive parenting. The only thing that changes these dynamics is usually time and the teenager growing up a bit.

What the hell is the girl’s mother on? I’d be devastated and disgusted if my 16 year old DD was openly having sex with a 13 year old boy in my house and had got pregnant! He’s still a child and there is a world of difference between those age groups. There’s no way he’d be stepping through the front door after I’d found out, let alone moving in!

I expect from the sounds of it, they will be wanting money soon enough for the DS’s upkeep and stuff for the baby? Do not give a penny. Just constantly repeat that he has a home and needs to return.

Does he attend the same school as the girl? Obviously school need to be well aware of the situation. They could probably provide some counselling and professional support during school hours. If he’s not attending school, school need to get attendance officer involved as legally he needs to attend. Could school broker a meeting with parents on school premises if he won’t see them?

Police and SS have been informed so there’s not much else that can be done.

Sixth form is the same as college - students do A Levels or btecs. The responses on here would be different if it was a 13 year old school girl 'dating' a 16 year old boy. Obviously 3 years isn't weird if, say, the youngest is 18 dating a 21 year old.

Is it worth mentioning statutory rape to SS and Police? Because your son is significantly younger than his pregnant gf

G/F finished school last year. She is enrolled on a college course, but doesn't seem to be attending regularly, if at all.

as a social work manager, we get SO MANY referrals from parents who haven't got a cooking clue how to set boundaries for their teenagers who are totally ruling the roost and it always, always comes down to a failure to parent properly from a young age which results in teenagers with no respect who believe they can do whatever they want. It's extremely difficult if not impossible to row back on this dynamic once it has been embedded by years of permissive parenting. The only thing that changes these dynamics is usually time and the teenager growing up a bit.

I agree, but isn't it a bit more complicated with neurodiverse kids? DS has always tried really hard with him, but never been able to get any real outside help/support/behavioural therapy for DN. Every time she's tried, just gets told that his behaviour is a common trait of ASD and not to punish him for it.

I'm seeing this attitude a lot with my own kid's experiences at school. The 'special' kids are left to run riot, rarely get told off for bad behaviour (even physically attacking other kids). They've got a badge and are basically untouchable.

Thirteen is very young, only just a teenager, I am shocked that nothing can be done to return him. Even more so given his autism .
The mother of the girl sounds really crazy shoring up this.
I hope that you get your boy home soon OP.

Sigh
No, because that's not an offence in this country. It has been discussed at length why police are unlikely to take any action on this offence and I'm not sure what you think social services have the power to do in this situation?

Wow, socail workers seemingly? On this thread who are saying it's poor parenting? With a SEN child? That's another reason I have easily avoided an entire years worth of CIN meetings with my disability SW.

OP it's all kinds of fucked up, but as you see from the reply there is no state system to help your nephew. Due to lack of basic interest in the child.

Undoubtedly their child will be very vulnerable with two school age parents but never fear it's good enough. Who will provide for this baby? The same disinterested state system.

Do you really think they would have simply overlooked it, if it existed?

Honestly?

Statutory rape absolutely is a crime in England & Wales: it is gob-smacking that someone who claims to be a social work manager does not know this. Statutory rape is penetrative sex whereby a criminal offence occurs, regardless of whether the sexual partner consents. Under the Sexual Offences Act 2003, this includes any of the following:

• Rape of a child under 13
• Assault by penetration of a child under 13
• Sexual assault of a child under 13
• Inciting or causing a person to engage in sexual activity with a child under 13
• Child sexual offences involving children under 16
• Children under 18 having sexual relations with persons in a position of trust
• Children under 18 involved with family members over 18
• Persons with a mental disorder impeding choice
• Persons with a mental disorder who are induced threatened or deceived

Strictly speaking, in this case, it isn't rape because rape can only be committed by a male under E&W law. However, both sexes can be guilty of a sexual offence, with the same penalties.

It isn't. Unlawful sexual activity with a child is the offence. Statutory rape is an American offence.

Is it likely that the CPS will want to prosecute the 16 year old? No. It's probably not in anyone's interests. But it does not follow from that the police have no remit or duty to get involved, where there is potentially criminal activity taking place, involving a vulnerable 13 year old.

As for the "Well, he might just go back to the girlfriend argument". Yeah, he might. Does that mean that there is no duty to check he is OK now? Of course not. The same argument was used in Rotherham.

You don't understand what statutory means.

Even Wikipedia has quite a good summary

I remember your first post, and the girls mother is fanning the flames and seemingly enjoying this whole disaster.

I'm so sorry that your family are going through this.

Has your sister specifically reported the grooming or just as a missing person?? It may make the police manage it differently??

I can't offer any other advice other than what you've already been told but it'll be a case of continuing to report every single whisper of a concern to SS and the police.

Look at the references. That page is ALL about US law. Statutory rape is not a crime in the uk.
rape crisis states the following -

This a bit like the Rocdale case where the attitude was that the girls was making lifestyle choices.

So under 16s are making lifestyle choices and if your under 16 you have shit parents therefore don't deserve help. Let's see if that's the ruling from Sara Sharifs death agree that it was poor parenting so therefore nothing that socail care could have done. Children of poor parents don't deserve help? Surely they more help than any other child.

If this is directed at me it's completely unreasonable.
I simply pointed out that police aren't likely to remove him from the house (though they might, and it's certainly worth trying) and social services can't; they don't have that power. PP talked about social services 'letting this happen' as if they had any power to stop it. Nobody said the parents of this or any child don't deserve help. Social services should be doing an assessment and providing some guidance and support whether that's through signposting and referring or a child in need plan. What they can't do is remove the child from this home.
When I talk about this being a relationship issue it absolutely is. If a child leaves home at 13 and moves in with a girlfriend or boyfriend there is a major breakdown in the relationship and that's what needs to be focused on. Social services don't provide free family therapy, that's not what they are there for.

This sounds heartbreaking for your poor sister.

I can understand why she has called the police, and I’m surprised that they haven’t done much given that he’s 13 and vulnerable.

I think that the pp suggestion to talk to the school is a good one. I suspect that they’ll have a much more detailed understanding of the risks here, and be able to support.

I also think that your sister could try to arrange to see him without forcing him to move back home. So, she could invite them both over for Sunday lunch or take him to a movie or something.

Sometimes teens have to realise things for themselves. So, in your sisters position I would also calmly refuse all financial support when he wasn’t living under my roof - on the assumption that if he has moved out then he is responsible for himself if he is living independently. So I’d stop putting dinner money on parent pay, stop his allowance, not pay for school trips etc. Not send any money to the girlfriends mum. And I’d wait for him to get in touch to ask.

When he gets in touch I would explain that the reason 13 year olds aren’t usually living independently is because they don’t have any money. That she loves him and wants to support him, and hopes that he can move home so that she can continue to do that.