Help! Do I go down the route of court for my child to have time with his Dad!

[Salol28]

Hi everyone,

I am hoping to get some advice of someone who may have gone through a similar thing..... I

Me and my ex share a 7year old but we've been split up almost 5 years. We currently have a routine of him picking my son up either Friday at 4.30 and dropping off Saturday at 5/5.30 or picks up Saturday around 1/2 pm and drops off Sunday at 6pm. He lives 5 minutes away but can regularly work away, sometimes it's all week Monday-Thursday, sometimes he's more local but still fairly far so cannot contribute to any parenting during the week as he's not home until 6pm and my son cannot sleep over through the week as (he claims) he has to get up at 5.30am for work. Occasionally - which can be once every 6 weeks he will have him 4pm till 7pm on a Wednesday, my ex cannot do any other day as he plays football on these days. He will take my son away for 1 week every August but other than this he has never had him in the school holidays or takes him away. He goes away at least 4 times per year with his partner so I know money isn't the issue. He refuses to collect our son if he's ill from school, or contribute to taking time off if anything happens. Last year my son broke his leg and he had 3 weeks off school. I had to take the full 3 weeks off unpaid and he didn't help at all. Hopefully I'm building up a picture here of how things are.....

I feel that 90% of the parenting is on me and I have tried asking for more help, cried, almost begged and asked him to ask his work to let him be a bit more flexible at times but I just don't get a good response. Ive been told ive got mental health issues if i ask for help from him and if i get upset.

However, my son loves spending time with his Dad but I feel he's just doing the bare minimum to be a Dad. I see my friends partners with their kids and I get so jealous sometimes of how they just are there and support and share the load without a second thought.

Has anyone successfully taken their ex to court to have the other parent do more? My worry is he will just say he has to work away or he can't help in the holidays as he gets minimal holiday leave but he doesn't mind using it for holidays with his partner!

He has a trade and can work anywhere. We was together 10 years and he never needed to work more than 30 minutes away, he just chooses too as its more money. I've been offered opportunities at work to work over to support other areas (I work in the NHS) but I can't and my career is now suffering.

He has recently also started dropping my son off early or in one case went away for the weekend without telling me and was supposed to have his son. He also never does homework with him or baths him, has never been to a parents evening, school assembly, nativity, its quite upsetting as I know he loves him and my son loves him too.

Ultimately I just want him to share the load. Its not about money as I do get maintenance but I get the minimum of what is recommended and that's up to him. My son has a beautiful home, we have lots of quality time together but it's a shame he just doesn't have that quality time with his dad too.

If I went to court I'd have to pay thousands. Will it be worth it? Will I get a better balance and more help with parenting?

I may be painting him in a bad light but I ultimately think he loves my son but doesn't like me so this is how he makes me suffer. He's quite controlling and now we aren't together this is the only way he can control me.

Any advice welcomed.

Thank you

Unfortunately my understanding is that the court cannot compell the unwilling parent to do more. You'll get advice from lawyers here but you might want to consult one so that you know for sure it's a dead duck. At least that way you know you did all you could.

Sorry he's so useless. Must be nice for these people who feel parenting is an occasional hobby.

The court can't order anyone to parent more. Stop begging him OP - he probably likes winding you up!

He sounds useless, your poor son. I don't think it's worth spending any money on court. He'll just go back to doing what he wants afterwards! Then what will you do...

I was in the exact same situation as you and went to see a solicitor about going to court. She said exactly what a pp has said; you can't force someone to spend more time with their child. The way she explained it is that if a court order says he has to drop your son home by 5pm, and by 6pm he's not home, you can call the police and they'll go and find him as the court order states he should be back by 5pm. However, if he drops him home at 3pm, you're not going to call the police and make them take him back to his dads for two hours. I know that's a very simplified/silly example but that's how she explained it to me. You'd be wasting your time unfortunately.

However, once I knew there was nothing I could do, I just accepted that I was the "main" parent and stopped getting frustrated. Instead, I focused on all the lovely things I was experiencing with my son that I didn't have to share with anyone. My ex missed out on a lot. My son is now 11 and he knows I do the lions share of the parenting and he appreciates that. He confides in me about things he wouldn't talk about with his dad and I feel that I get the better end of the deal.

This is awful, but the court can’t get him to do more and if I were you, I wouldn’t want my son to spend more time with someone who’s not invested in him.

Agree with pp. Make sure you are getting all the child maintenance you deserve. If he is going on 4 holidays a year he can at the very least support his child financially. I wouldn't trust this man to offer the correct amount himself though. Do you go through cms?

Thanks everyone. I had a feeling this might be the case, I've just never had anyone close go through similar things so I've never known what would happen in court.

He is the typical 'weekend Dad' and in the end he will be the one with a son who he's not close too.

In regards to maintenance he worked self employed last year and was on furlough too so his earnings weren't good so CSA told me I was only entitled to £40 per week. So we mutually decided to cancel the CSA and he would pay me £50 per week. He's now working on the books and he's managing jobs (he's an electrician) so I'm guessing if I bide my time I can re claim through CSA next year and hopefully get more.

He doesn't pay for anything. I buy all shoes, uniform, coats..I pay for swimming, beavers, gymnastics. I also pack him a bag every weekend as he has no clothes for him.

I honestly just can't fathom why men want to have kids but when you split up turn so horrible!

£50 a week? That’s unbelievable.

It's sad some men are like this. I can't imagine only having my daughter one night a week and still trying to palm her off (my ex does this).

Like you, I'm also exhausted. I've been going through gruelling treatment for breast cancer and my ex has done absolutely nothing to help look after our daughter. If they won't do it in those circumstances, they never will.

Its rotten isn't it , but a court won't make them have the child more.

I think you should look at putting in a claim for child maintenance though, or tell your ex that you will if he doesn't increase the amount

(Am currently collapsed on bed burnt out from juggling kids with work on their dads day, but he fancied yet another holiday so they are with me- so I feel your pain!)

In a weird way it makes me feel better that I'm not the only one going through this. I just guess we always think mutually wanting a child together means you'll share parenting!

So sorry to hear about your illness @Emmylou22 that must be tough on you and your daughter. I hope you've got a good support network.

I think like some of you have said maybe I need to accept that this is it and then I'm not feeling let down and angry all the time. I'm lucky I've got parents that help occasionally otherwise I'd be going crazy I think!

X

You absolutely cannot force a parent to have more contact via the court. It's absurd.

I completely understand how hard it is because I'm a single parent but I sincerely hope your son doesn't pick up on any negative energy surrounding this.

Just accept he is like a Cool.uncle who fizzes in and out. He is not being a parent and you cannot make him be one.

Sorry you're going through this but you can't force him to do more only pay more if he can, via courts.

If you want to pile on the pressure all you can do is social pressure- eg speak with his family members or close friends (especially if you were friendly when their wives) and tell them what's happening and how much your son wants to see more of his dad. However do you really want your son going where he's not wanted? Perhaps ex parents in law might offer to take him sometimes? Or pressure their son to pay more?

I wouldn't want my child to spend any time with a pare t so disinterested in him that he would rather play football. He would be neglected, at best.

This. He isnt even meeting his basic care needs. He is a shit dad.

a court wont force him to have his child more.

I never talk bad of his Dad to him thats just not the person I am or want to ever be and I honestly don't think he would about me.

Our break up was rough, it was a mess but we started co parenting at first then when he got a new partner it just seemed to get less and less.

The hardest bit which me, my family and all my friends say is that when he's with him he is a great Dad he's just more a weekend Dad!!

Also in response to a PP unfortunately we have little contact with his side of the family. They live 3 hours away and I think my son sees them 2 or 3 times a year. I am still friends with his friends and wife's but they all prefer not to get involved.

It's a sad situation but I have a beautiful son who is my everything and this has only really made us more close and stronger.

I just learnt to accept that they were shit. In the end the kids saw the situation for what it was and as teenagers they just stopped bothering with him. They see him once every couple of months (if that) and their conversations over messages are minimal really. I feel guilty about choosing a shit dad for them but the signs definitely were not there during the relationship so I wasn't to know.

Same here! I'd have never of had a child with him if I'd have known all this now but we can't blame ourselves. I think we overcompemsate for the guilt though sometimes and its exhausting having to be the good cop, bad cop, friend, nurse, teacher, cleaner, cook all rolled into one 😂

He must be earning very little if he only pays £50 / week child support.

My child father earns £36,000 (a lot less than most electricians ) and he is supposed to pay £80/ week. He pays nothing but that’s another matter.

My ex only pays £50 a week for 2 children.

Yep, I definitely over compensate and go over the top at Christmas and birthdays. I feel like once I started with the big christmases i couldn't exactly dial it down so I shot myself in the foot there didn't it 🤷🏼‍♀️

@uhtredsonofuhtred1 he definitely earns a lot more than 40k I would say but csa go on previous tax years earnings and at that time when I applied he had a couple of months furlough and self employed so it looked like it was less earnings. He also lives with his current partner and she has 2 children so I'm not sure if that's taken into account even though he's not financially responsible.

I am going to wait until May when the tax years over and reapply. Best I can do right now as £50 in these current times Is poor. I live on my own too so it's difficult x

No you can’t force him, in 6 years my ex has never had our children overnight, 6 years! He also pays £7 a month maintenance so could always be worse 🙃