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Original poster

Ex overly favours one child - does this count as neglect?

28 replies

TrickyExHelp · 12/08/2023 11:23

Hi - my ex and I have a CAO that involves our 2 children staying with him for half of the school hols. Over the 6 week summer hols, we’re sharing time with the kids every other week. During term-time, the are at his every other weekend (Fri-Sun).

My daughter (youngest) keeps telling me that she doesn’t want to go to her father’s place next week because he ignores her in favour of our son (eldest). She says that she’s often alone in her room with her devices while my ex spends the majority of the day with our son. My son confirms this (he enjoys the one-on-one time with his dad). During the week, the kids spend most of the days in my ex’s house. He barely takes them out for activities.

I’m worried about the impact on my daughter. She’s says that she’s sad and lonely when she is at my ex’s place and often says that she doesn’t feel like anyone cares for her when she’s there 😢. A whole week of feeling that way must be soul destroying. Because of the CAO, I can’t simply say that she’s going to stay with me next week. Is there anything I can do - for instance, does it count as neglect? Can I report the issue to social services?

For context, my ex and I have an acrimonious relationship. He was emotionally and physically abusive during our marriage. Since breaking up, I’ve frequently had to report his harrasing/abusive text messages towards me to the police (we only communicate via text - I keep my texts ‘grey rock’). This is something that I cannot raise with him directly.

Thanks

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 12/08/2023 11:39

How old are they and what is your ex doing with your DS when she is playing alone in her room?

thecatinthetwat · 12/08/2023 11:46

I think this is abusive, how awful for your dd. I would seek legal advice. Document what the dc have told you and speak to a professional.

Original poster
TrickyExHelp · 12/08/2023 11:52

Thanks @ApolloandDaphne and @thecatinthetwat - my son is 11 and my daughter is 7.

My ex and my son watch action-based movies/tv shows or do activities such as arts and craft building. My daughter isn’t interested in these activities so my ex tells her that she can play in her room instead. As a result, she spends most of the days alone in her room with her devices 😢. He does do some joint activities that involve our daughter but he spends most of his time with our son.

OP posts:
JibbaJab · 12/08/2023 11:54

I'm in a different situation than you are but I can say without a doubt, in my case anyway, yes it's abuse/neglect.

Mine are treated differently, one is left to their own devices and is treated like a teenager, has responsibilities, scolded etc and the other is up on a pedestal and can do whatever, has no responsibilities or discipline and is doted on.

Put it this way, on my application child abuse has been included by my solicitor for this along with other reasons.

painochocolate · 12/08/2023 11:54

When she gets to secondary school she can vote with her feet and not go.

In the meantime I'd mention it to your ex that DD is coming back feeling like she hasn't done much with him and you're just saying it so he knows what he does with that info is up to him

ApolloandDaphne · 12/08/2023 11:55

These sound like good activities, especially the arts and craft stuff. What would she prefer to be doing?

ApolloandDaphne · 12/08/2023 11:56

It's definitely not abusive. I say that as a now retired child protection social worker. Perhaps slightly neglectful but as long as she is safe, fed and cared for in other respects no one is going to say your ex is being abusive.

CinnabarRed · 12/08/2023 11:59

So your Ex does do some activities that she enjoys with her, and offers he the chance to join in with all activities? Being honest, I’m struggling to see that as abusive. Not ideal, sure, but not abusive.

Original poster
TrickyExHelp · 12/08/2023 12:01

ApolloandDaphne · 12/08/2023 11:55

These sound like good activities, especially the arts and craft stuff. What would she prefer to be doing?

The arts and craft stuff is very ‘boy-orientated’ - building model pirate ships and stuff like them. She’s left out of activities such as this.

OP posts:
painochocolate · 12/08/2023 12:02

TrickyExHelp · 12/08/2023 12:01

The arts and craft stuff is very ‘boy-orientated’ - building model pirate ships and stuff like them. She’s left out of activities such as this.

Show quote history

That's really unfair why can't she join in.

Have you spoken to him about this?

amylou8 · 12/08/2023 12:03

He's not excluding her she's choosing not to join in. It would be nice if he found out what she wanted to as well and facilitated this, but it's hardly neglect.

Original poster
TrickyExHelp · 12/08/2023 12:04

JibbaJab · 12/08/2023 11:54

I'm in a different situation than you are but I can say without a doubt, in my case anyway, yes it's abuse/neglect.

Mine are treated differently, one is left to their own devices and is treated like a teenager, has responsibilities, scolded etc and the other is up on a pedestal and can do whatever, has no responsibilities or discipline and is doted on.

Put it this way, on my application child abuse has been included by my solicitor for this along with other reasons.

Thanks @JibbaJab , that’s helpful to know x

OP posts:
Original poster
TrickyExHelp · 12/08/2023 12:06

amylou8 · 12/08/2023 12:03

He's not excluding her she's choosing not to join in. It would be nice if he found out what she wanted to as well and facilitated this, but it's hardly neglect.

… but it’s stuff he knows she has zero interest in. She’s at his house, for almost an entire week without going outside on some days. That’s not right. There needs to be a balance.

OP posts:
Namechangedforthis2244 · 12/08/2023 12:12

I know that this isn’t what you want to hear, but I think that you need to support your daughter to make contact more fun rather than reducing her contact. She’s too young to make her own decision, and it’s not good for her if you make it for her.

I say that kindly - I also have a difficult ex and there are quite a lot of times when I’ve considered how much better not having him around would be!

In your position I would gently encourage your daughter to challenge her own gender stereotypes. Why shouldn’t a girl watch an action movie or build a pirate ship. Widening her interests and gaining some points of common interest with her dad would be beneficial.

I would also talk to her about having difficult conversations with people who we love. Can you support her to discuss wanting some one-to-one time with her dad like your son gets? Can you support her to ask for a rota for film choices over the week so everyone gets to choose one film for them all to watch?

I would also buy her a couple of nice craft sets which fit her interests to take to her dads to do at the same time as they are building pirate ships etc. so that they can all do crafts at the same time.

ApolloandDaphne · 12/08/2023 12:12

Could she take some things she likes doing with her? Maybe some crafty bits and pieces that appeal to her? Has she asked her DF to get things she would like?

YoBeaches · 12/08/2023 12:16

amylou8 · 12/08/2023 12:03

He's not excluding her she's choosing not to join in. It would be nice if he found out what she wanted to as well and facilitated this, but it's hardly neglect.

She's 7, I'm not so sure. He's responsible for her wellbeing and leaving her alone in her room all day is wrong.

nevynevster · 12/08/2023 12:18

I don't think it's neglect if he's allowing her to join in but she's not interested.
I think you need to encourage her to try these activities ... she may end up enjoying them. Especially these activities don't sound especially excluding (craft, watching movie).
You can also coach her on techniques to ask her dad for opportunities to do things she would like to do. So if dad says let's watch this movie, she can say yes let's do that and afterwards can we go to the park? Basically the technique of "yes ... and ...". If he's then refusing to do any of her suggestions then maybe there's a bigger problem but it may simply be that as a man he's not sure on how to entertain a young girl so is just reverting to things he feels comfortable with which appeal to son.

Given the context you've provided, agree that you can't say anything yourself and I don't think this is serious enough to warrant any other intervention.

gogomoto · 12/08/2023 12:21

He isn't excluding her though, she simply doesn't want to do the activities on offer - if he's doing arts and crafts and she refuses to join in, saying "well did something in your room instead" sounds like many a conversation I've had. Picking only action movies seems a bit mean but hardly neglect

gogomoto · 12/08/2023 12:23

What's wrong with building pirate ships anyway? I think, and I mean this gently, you need to challenge gender stereotypes. He's not doing anything that's unsuitable.

YoBeaches · 12/08/2023 12:27

gogomoto · 12/08/2023 12:23

What's wrong with building pirate ships anyway? I think, and I mean this gently, you need to challenge gender stereotypes. He's not doing anything that's unsuitable.

Yet when buying those private ship building kits he could also buy one that he knows she is interested in too so they can all do the activity. And she might be more inclined to do pirates of next time they are doing mermaids. And he could switch action movie for a movie of her favouring so it's fair and they both get a choice.

But he isn't doing that because he's neglectful to his daughters wants and needs.

Sirzy · 12/08/2023 12:27

Can she not take some colouring books or similar with her and sit with them doing them when they are crafting?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/08/2023 12:29

Have you mentioned it to him? In a non confrontational way? What does he say?

painochocolate · 12/08/2023 12:31

Has she actually given the crafting a go?

fuschia1981 · 12/08/2023 12:36

Namechangedforthis2244 · 12/08/2023 12:12

I know that this isn’t what you want to hear, but I think that you need to support your daughter to make contact more fun rather than reducing her contact. She’s too young to make her own decision, and it’s not good for her if you make it for her.

I say that kindly - I also have a difficult ex and there are quite a lot of times when I’ve considered how much better not having him around would be!

In your position I would gently encourage your daughter to challenge her own gender stereotypes. Why shouldn’t a girl watch an action movie or build a pirate ship. Widening her interests and gaining some points of common interest with her dad would be beneficial.

I would also talk to her about having difficult conversations with people who we love. Can you support her to discuss wanting some one-to-one time with her dad like your son gets? Can you support her to ask for a rota for film choices over the week so everyone gets to choose one film for them all to watch?

I would also buy her a couple of nice craft sets which fit her interests to take to her dads to do at the same time as they are building pirate ships etc. so that they can all do crafts at the same time.

What absolute bollocks.

7 year olds know nothing of gender stereotypes. Simple fact is most wee girls like dolls, princess movies and arts and crafts that aren't model planes. If she doesn't want to do these things and her dad isint making any effort to do activities she likes or even take her out to a park to have a play then it's certainly not her fault!

fuschia1981 · 12/08/2023 12:39

gogomoto · 12/08/2023 12:23

What's wrong with building pirate ships anyway? I think, and I mean this gently, you need to challenge gender stereotypes. He's not doing anything that's unsuitable.

Sick to bloody death of everyone's obsession with gender stereotypes, let kids like what they like and stop forcing it on them to "challenge stereotypes"

I say this as the mother of a 4 year old boy who has a pink scooter and a unicorn helmet, he chose it over a dinosaur one - fine it's his choice but I'm certainly not forcing it on him

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