Neglecting Child’s Health

[Smennell]

Hi, I’m after a little advice.

my ex has contact with my son approx 2 overnights per week and 50/50 summer. No legal orders have been made but we have attempted (and failed due to him not engaging). He’s continuously threatens 50/50 to which I disagree with for multiple reasons which I won’t get into.

anyway,

our 5 year old little boy has a dairy allergy. Albeit not life threatening, he still has an allergy to dairy and everyone around him (including school) respects and accommodates this. Apart from his father. He’s now returned from his dad and informed me he’s been given a mcflurry.

this isn’t the first time he’s failed to follow medical advice.

im absolutely raging and he just won’t communicate with me. It’s ignorance and it’s neglect. What can I do?

What happened when he had the ice cream?

His symptoms aren’t life threatening, but he becomes significantly constipated. Reports of stomach ache. Skin breaks out. These are gradual symptoms with will present themselves over the following days (when he’s back home with me) He under dieticians because he was premature and significantly low birth weight when born.

Does he have a diagnosis

if so, you should contact Gp and express concern so at least noted on his records of the father does decide to pursue more contact

If he has him for 50/50 over the holidays…. Then he will see the impact

how old is your son?

Sorry 5

how long has this arrangement been in place

Is he doing it accidentally do you think or because he doesn’t believe he has a genuine intolerance?

Yeah he has a diagnosis and has been under dieticians since being 6 months old albeit not under now as he’s following the dairy ladder. Dad attended all appointments during this time and is fully aware of his allergy so definitely not accidental.

although it’s 50/50 over holidays he can never fulfil his 50% role. despite being a teacher

How long separated and what was he like about the allergy when together?

Separated 4 years. It’s a very toxic relationship due to his new wife. He was supportive of the allergy when together. We ended up in hospital multiple times prior to diagnosis because of his symptoms (screaming 18 hours a day etc)

And in the 4 years since - this is the first instance?

No. I’m aware and got evidence of a few incidents where he’s been given chocolate for example found a wrapper in his coat. Found a photo online of my little boy eating an ice cream lolly whilst with his dad. My son has also mentioned items he has eaten however my ex has basically called our child a lier when challenged (which isn’t the first time). He a manipulator and twists everything around back on me. Calls me a bully when I challenge him. Pushes me to get a rise out of me.

I think you need to spend time with your son making him acutely aware of the link between him being poorly and dairy

he will be offered chocolate ice cream etc without you present and needs to be able to say no thanks

because there’s very little you can do to stop your ex giving him the odd bit of chocolate or ice cream unfortunately

The thing with a diary intolerance is that the ‘treatment’ is gradual exposure to diary - hence the milk ladder.
My granddaughter has dairy intolerance, but she can now eat products with diary in them. She just can’t drink milk or eat cream. If it’s processed in any way, she’s ok.
If he is following the milk ladder, then he’s doing ok. Stop checking up on him on his social media though.

Intolerance is a very outdated tern- it's either an IgE or Non IgE cows milk protein allergy.

Sympathies OP, both my boys have multiple non IgE food allergies and the amount of people who assume it isn't serious just because they don't come out out hives or have an instant reaction is ridiculous. To jump from 0 dairy to a McFlurry because ' a little bit won't hurt' is crap parenting and must be result infuriating for you. At 5, he should know that he can't have dairy because it makes his tummy sore and skin itchy ( my 3.5 year old knows this ).

Are you able to have any reasonable conversations with your ex about his allergy and how it affects him after consumption?

At 5 I'm surprised he takes it. My 4 year old asks if food is gluten free and if he's suspicious he w9nt take it, he knows it really hurts if he does. If he wants to steal my drink he asks if I've eaten gluten so he can take it.

Me too.

He hasn’t linked feeling poorly with consumption of those foods at 5. Either not been educated about it or not that bad reaction

Thank you all for your replies. My 5 year old is extremely knowledgeable about his allergy and will question if something is dairy free etc. he will never take anything without asking however on this occasion I believe my little boy did not ask but to be fair, he’s with his dad so he should be able to trust wholeheartedly that his dad wouldn’t do this. He regularly eat dairy free ice cream so probably didn’t feel the need to ask.

my ex fully knows the symptoms of his allergy as he was part of the journey when he was a baby. He is refusing to have any form of communication with me regarding the matter.

Has he started to feel poorly?

Chocolate, ice cream etc etc - it needs to be your son’s first question when you aren’t around “is this dairy free”