What is a reasonable time frame to expect Father to respond regarding school holidays?

[ELS20]

Hi everyone,

I really hope someone might be bale to advise me. I have a court order with the father of my 12 year old son, which states that he lives with me, has visitation with his father ever other weekend, and we share all school holidays. This means that we have to agree between us who will have what dates for every school holiday. The father also has step children and has to agree the holiday dates with their father. Of course he wants to have our son the same time he has the step children. It means he takes agrees to let us know which dates he wants to have our son, and really hinders my husband and I being able to book family holidays. We have a difficult history; I left him 10 years ago because he was mentally and physically abusive, controlling and manipulative, and its obvious that he uses his leverage over the school holiday dates as a power trip as he knows is causing me inconvenience. He never replies when I ask about dates. What do you think is a reasonable time frame to expect a response? For example, for next Easter holidays, when would you expect an answer on dates? And from a legal perspective, do I have any rights? Can I set a time limit by which I need an answer or I will decide the date myself?

Thank you so much

My DP and his ex have always been fairly flexible and last minute about holiday arrangements - he just doesn't know when he's working that far in advance. Personally I'd tell him he needs to respond by X date or you'll be booking a holiday, and if he doesn't, he'll have to work around it.

Does the court order state that he gets first choice of all holiday dates? It sounds like you're giving him that.

Assuming it doesn't, because that would be very unreasonable, I'd be saying that you have booked a holiday for x-y dates in the 2024 Easter holidays and therefore DS is available to spend as much time as he likes with his dad on y-z dates. Up to his dad to make himself available to his son on those dates or plan ahead better, but don't put your life on hold by giving him this much control.

As Travelling Jack says - you can be more flexible the more notice he gives.

For example, my ex only gives me one week's notice of a day he wants the kids - so if we already have something arranged, I say no. He's completely at liberty to give me more notice, and so have more chance of us not having something already arranged, but I'm not going to live my life with one-week's notice.

If there is no clarity in the CAO then go back to court and make it fixed.

Such as you get first week of Easter holidays, change over day is X then be gets 2nd week.

You alternate half term weeks.

What you do over Christmas weeks.

How you split the 6 weeks, first week him, 2 weeks you, 2 weeks him, 1 week you. Hand over day and time.

If you are sure he's doing it deliberately it's the only way.

Thank you everyone, I have wondered whether we should try and make the court order more prescriptive but I just don’t want to cause more issues, my ex has already caused us all so much trauma. My concern is that if I book something in Easter for example, and he doesn’t agree with it, he could take us to court and argue that we are hindering him spending time with DS because we are booking things without his agreement? My husband and I try to be so flexible, for example he requested to have it written into the court order that DS is with me every Christmas Day and with him from Boxing day. Yet now he decided he wants every other Christmas Day and we have accommodated it. I’m just sick of having to plan everything around him and having no control over it. My husband thinks we just have to put up with it to avoid more conflict.

You should NOT deviate from the court order because it then invalidates it and he will play dirty.

I would put it in writing that you you will take first pick of school holidays next year and will have x y z, he can have first choice for the following year but he needs to inform you by Y date.

Then grey rock and tell him if he doesn't like it to take it back to court because it's clear that to date he is deliberately not engaging to come to an agreement as a means of control land it is not in the DC interests to miss out on holidays with maternal family due to the late notice.

Realistically if you want to book Easter hols and tell him now and off extra in day feb half term court will not have a problem with that. You e given plenty of notice and you are the resident parent. Stop giving him so much power.

You need to go back to court and get the every Christmas Day part affirmed by the court.

You need to get fixed dates for the summer. He has DS for half the days, and you have him for half the days. He can be responsible for all DS's care during those days. Or he has DS for a full two weeks including the weekends - whatever works out financially and logistically for you.

You need to get a "respond within two weeks or forfeit a say" clause in your agreement. This means you both have to abide by this rule.

This man won't stop. You are still going to have to fight him.

Get a really good lawyer.

From your title, my instinctive answer was I'd want all the summer holidays sorted by now.

I think for Easter, an exact arrangement is probably a bit forward - but equally, I think saying you'd like to book a holiday for the first week of Easter, and will do by the end of the week/month if you don't hear from him is valid.

As an aside - if you know which county his step kids go to school in, it might be worth checking their holiday dates. Next school year is horrendous for things not lining up. A friend has her and kids Oct half term not aligning. I have Feb half term and Easter not aligning with my kids..... we all live and work within a 30 min drive of each other.

Thanks so much to everyone who had replied so far. Seems maybe I’m being too flexible and letting him have too much control (as usual). I’m thinking that I will say that I expect us to have agreed dates six months in advance of each school holiday so that we can book trips/make plans, and if he won’t respond then we will pick dates and book holidays. Is that reasonable? Would a court think that’s reasonable?

Yes that's fine. My CAO we broke down how much time in the holidays and then we just have to agree the summer holidays for exact weeks as we can change accordingly.