Husband wants a divorce.... I want to die

[stressedlandlord]

My husband told me he wants a divorce on Friday.
I'm gutted, it's been shit for a while but I never thought he'd do this. I don't even know what to think/feel!

We have been together 14yrs, and he is much older then me. He has always taken over the money side of things and practical things. I just don't see how this is going to work without fucking our child up completely.

I don't know how to proceed or what I need to do now.

I don't want to leave our house, but I'm not sure I can pay for it alone. I own a property that isn't in his name and he also owns a property not in my name. Our house we live in is the only thing in both our names.
Can he force me to leave the house? How does buying him out work? Do I buy him out of what's left on the mortgage? Or what the house is actually worth? It's worth 800k but mortgage for 375k.

I am just so broken, I don't want to split up, I don't want life to change for my child.

Start here: https://www.gov.uk/get-a-divorce
You probably need to talk to a solicitor OP, to feel confident you understand what’s going to happen in your specific situation. Take copies of all your financial info (for both of you) and book an appointment with a family law Solicitor. Even if you manage to agree on a financial and childcare split without a court order (which is a good thing, it will cost far less money that way) having some legal advice so you know what a reasonably fair split should look like for you will be empowering.

Be brave! Ultimately an independent, happy home for your child is worth more to them than miserable parents sharing a home.

Re buying him out, a solicitor will advise, but they will start by assuming 50/50 of the value of the house. So you'd need to find £400k if the house is worth £800k (but the two of you already have £425k in equity in the house which is good). But there will be other things that a solicitor might take into consideration that would mean you might need to pay him less.

You are in a good position because you own another property which you could potentially sell to pay your stbx his share.

Go and see a solicitor.

There are plenty of children that come from divorced parents (or single parent families from the start) and they aren't completely fucked up.
What does completely fuck a child up is having parents who stay together and are clearly unhappy. I for one wish my parents had split up when I was a child, I think we would have all been much happier.
No good comes of staying with somebody who doesn't want to be with you. I know it's extremely hard and I'm very sorry you are in this situation, however you are luckier than most that you own a property and you and your child won't find yourselves homeless.
I would seek advice from a solicitor and start going through your ingoings/outgoings and if you'd be entitled to any benefit top ups, what maintenance he would have to pay etc so you know where you would stand money wise.

Is there anywhere you can go to get away from the family home for a bit?

I think if I was blindsighted by this, I'd go find a peaceful place and calm environment. Take some time to get my thoughts together and start making some good plans to move onto.

Please look after yourself and know people do a have life after divorce. Often better ones.

My children were 10 and 14 when their dad and I divorced. Neither of them are 'fucked up'. In an understandable way, you are catastrophising. It's caught you unawares and you are hurting. You can't stop him wanting and going through with a divorce so take the initiative. Contact a lawyer to deal with legal and financial matters. Try to keep emotions out of that. Have you anyone you can talk to about it who is on your side? You need to grieve, get angry if necessary and move on. That will take time so don't expect it to happen overnight. I have been where you are so I sympathise

You are in a state of shock.

Deep breaths and time for big girls’s knickers now.
Look after you and your interests. Get hard and business like.
Rest
Eat
Keep hydrated
Tomorrow morning or asap, ring a law firm and see a solicitor.
Keep your nerve.
Make copies of all financial and pensions paperwork.
Believe me, your kid won’t be fkd up because you will stay calm, organised and determined to sort this out.
Lots of us have been through it. We’ve survived, our kids have too. You can do this Mother. X

Are you actually suicidal because if you are you need support for that before anything else?

Please contact the Samartians or GP.

Thank you. Do I need to pay for a solicitor? I have no money to pay for one, we are so skint at the moment

Will he be entitled to half of my btl? Its completely in my name. I bought it before we married.

I've had no dealings with money at all, I've been a stay st home mum for the last 8yrs working only a very very small contract seasonally.

I mean absolutely no disrespect saying it will fuck my child up, apologies.

I just feel absolute sick to my stomach that his little life will be so badly messed up. Things he enjoys will have to stop, our beautiful rural life will have to stop because I highly doubt I can afford to keep the house.

Get all your questions and concerns together and put the questions to your husband. He wants a divorse he better have some answers to make sure your children are looked after.

So sorry you are going through this OP.

I know things feel awful now,
However, truly there is hope.
, and there are actually plenty aspects to what you mention that are positive. It sounds like You are in a much better situation than many women when they go through this financially. You need to talk to a lawyer to answer your financial questions, but my non expert understanding, having gone through divorce in the uk is:

1.- he would most likely be entitled to half the equity in the house, but may not be allowed to access this until your child is an adult. Ie he has to leave the equity in the house. This is most likely true if he can support his own living situation without hardship, without selling the family home. If you are in an 800k house, and you hardly work, that would suggest he is a high earner and he may be expected to support himself without selling.

1. After a long marriage, if you have been a stay at home mother, and he is a high earner, then he would normally be expected to pay spousal maintenance, at least for some time to help you transition back to work
2. Your lawyer might be able to argue that your own property, as it has always been in your name, purchased before, and if never used by the two of you, is outside the marital assets. This would be messier if you didn't put any deposit into the family home, allowing you to maintain it etc,.. however, even if a marital asset, you could potentially use your half to buy him out of the family home, if needed.
3. Assuming you are the residential parent, and he is not taking your son 50-50, he will also owe you child maintenance payments.

However all this is generic advice from an amateur. You need to first go online to reputable sources and check the laws in your region. Get smart and empowered. You then need to make a short list of questions you can't find the answer to/need to confirm, and make an appointment with a lawyer. If you do this, ask for their questionnaire in advance to fill out all the basic information. This will save time and cost. And be very factual and directive. Minutes cost, and telling them how awful you feel and why you think it didn't work out is generally irrelevant and expensive!

With your son, truly he will be fine. My daughter was six at the time, and she was a bit disrupted for a while, but is happy, well adjusted, and has a way better life than she would have enduring a shit parental relationship,

The best thing you can do for your son is be healthy yourself. Take care of course of, feel your feelings, give yourself compassion, pick yourself up and champion yourself and your son through the settlement process.....

I'm sending you hugs. Xxxxx

No-one can tell you what the financial split will look like on the limited information you have posted. Everything will go into the pot to be split between you, including the property that you own, the property that he owns and his pensions. You may therefore be in a better position than you think.

He will have to pay child maintenance if your child lives with you. He may have to pay spousal maintenance, but the courts prefer a clean break whereby you get more of the assets but don't get any maintenance.

If he is entitled to any of the equity in the house, it may be possible to delay that until your child is grown up.

You need to see a solicitor. You may be able to find one who will give you a free initial consultation.

What size house is it? If its 5 bedroom then you're more likely to be required to sell than if its just 2 for example. Rural life doesn't necessarily have to stop for your child, there must be properties to rent or smaller ones to buy surely?

I would 1) start looking for work. Couple this with any benefits you might receive plus 15% approx of your husband's net take home pay and you can see what you can afford re.rent/ mortgage.
2) see a solicitor. I saw 3 who gave a free half hour. They all basically outlined the divorce procedure and I picked the one who I felt would get the job done best. For eg, I asked what he'd be saying to my ex if he was his solicitor and it gave me an idea of how the settlement might end up.
3) rant, rage, cry - its a big shock, its grief , you need to get it out your system so you can concentrate on your new life with dc.
Good luck with it all, it probably won't be as bad as you fear. You get a lot more independent and capable when you've no other choice.