How would you interpret this (CAO)?

[exasperatedexwife]

If xxxxxx is not spending time with his Mother on Mother’s Day or his Father on Father’s Day, the parties shall make arrangements to ensure such time is spent with the appropriate parent for 4 hours.

We have an exisiting CAO granting my exH EOW, one tea visit per week and half the holidays and the above.

He was due to have this coming weekend, including all of Fathers day. He cancelled due to work comments, requesting last weekend instead. I agreed to this promptly, without hesitation, despite having to change my working hours and rearrange some social things for DS who is 5.

ExH has gone on to demand a four hour visit on one of my weekends in July as he says it is due to him because of the above point in our CAO.

I feel this point gives four hours on the actual day for celebration of fathers/mothers day with the relevant parent. He is not available on this day, I've given him an alternative weekend to celebrate. I also offered him an extra tea visit near to Father’s Day, he declined as he says tea visits are meaningless. He's recently had an extra day with our son and a few extra hours on another day as DS was off school, both with my agreement.

I think his demands are more to do with his desire to continue to control, coerce and bully me than to have a fathers day celebration. I worry that if I acquiesce to this demand they will keep coming. This is just one of his current topics (he also demands I revert to my maiden name, purchase clothes & shoes for our son for his house, disclose my personal financial affairs to him, control our sons behaviour whilst in his care).

He tells me if I do not agree to this demand he will return to me court and claim expenses against me. I can't afford any more family court, and to be honest I'm still scared of him.

Thanks

He's talking nonsense. Your interpretation is correct. He swapped off Father's Day anyway so he won't win this one. Let him take you to court, he'll look silly!

I’d have to say it’s very badly worded and thus open to interpretation. Clearly the intention was meant that if Mothers / Father’s Day wasn’t a contact day for mum . Dad, then the child would get to spend 4 hours with their child on that day instead. It’s the lack of the phrase ‘on that day’ that muddies the waters.

It's 3 hours on the actual mother or Father's Day.

Perhaps you need to stop swapping. If he cancels contact he cancels and misses it.

Thank you all. I think I'm going to have to seek some reassurance from my solicitor before deciding.

To give him the hours he demands I would need to cancel our plans for that weekend. We have family coming to stay, a plan six months in the making, and my son would be very upset. I do think that if I don't hold this boundary now I will be in this same situation in the near future.

@RandomMess unfortunately it is also written into our order that both parents must 'use their best endeavours' to make up time missed by the father due to his work commitments. It is the nature of his job and unavoidable that sometime he just can't get the EOW off that he wants. I think I've used my best endeavours by shuffling round June to give him last weekend. He is holding a grudge because I did get four hours on Mother's Day with DS therefore 'ruining his weekend'.

You're right, but agree that it should be specified that Mother's/Father's day time is spent on M/F D and can't be rolled over if relevant parent unavailable

🙄

Roll on your DC being an older teen!!!

Let him take you to court. He is unavailable on Father’s Day - fine, it happens. You have already accommodated this by swapping weekends, and given that he is obviously ok to celebrate Father’s Day on a different date, then this could have sufficed.

The wording is, however, poor, and he is trying to exert his control by insisting on the ‘extra’ 4 hours, which you have also tried to accommodate by offering an extra tea visit, which he has declined. The extra day/extra few hours he has recently had are not hugely relevant (except to highlight how flexible you are/how you are not trying to reduce or complicate contact) as they were not arranged in lieu of these 4 hours.

There is no reason why his extra 4 hours (which I agree should not be necessary anyway) should be on that specific date, especially since you already have longstanding plans. You could, if you really want to do more to try to avert court, offer the 4 hours on a different weekend in July, which does not disrupt your plans (but I would fully expect this to be refused, as I would expect that his plan is to disrupt your plans, rather than actually enjoy the 4 hours, shown by him already refusing some extra time with dc).

@ElfDragon thank you, your summary pretty much mirrors that of my solicitor. I spoke with her on Friday afternoon.

She adds, knowing his modus operandi, if it is not this point, it will be another and soon that he takes me back to court on. He has fully taken on the role of victim and seems to have expunged two years of supervised contact and a non molestation order from his memory, plus the prior 5 years of pretty horrific abuse.

He has incidentally broken our order multiple times by directly criticising, threatening and harassing me in writing, recorded in the parenting app we use. More sadly he is involving our son by having all of these discussions with him too. I working with the school to get some therapy for him as exH stopped his previous play therapy just before our final hearing.

I will offer him 4 hours on my other weekend in July, under duress of his threats of court, on either day to suit him. I will explain to him the plans we have on his chosen day and how important they are to our son.

The Judge promised she would ensure I was not held hostage to his demands but it appears our order isn't doing a very good job of that. He has already said the date he demands is the only one he will accept but I do always keep one of my weekends free to allow some flexibility until he confirms his dates two weeks before the start of each month. It's a pretty crappy way to exisit!

Personally I would let him take you back to court.. Armed with the latest bullying he is doing should see a judge throw the book at him for abuse and time wasting. There is actually a code (?) you could have applied to your case to stop senseless court summons... I got one for exh when he wrote directly to a judge demanding 'nothing less than a custodial sentence' for what was quite obviously a typing error. He looked a complete dick like your ex will.

I would take that to mean 4 hours on Father’s Day, if Father’s Day fell on your weekend. I wouldn’t personally offer anything else.

An update....So I didn't offer him any other weekend time in July as he'd clearly stated in his messages that he had no other availability at all. I did say he could still have another tea visit on a day of his choosing nut he declined this.

I got court papers for a FHDRA in September, he's actually bloody done it. He's negated to explain I gave him the weekend previous in exchange, it reads as of he's lost a whole weekend and I made no amends. He's also added a separate list of 5 things he feels I'm guilty of, at best are very misleading and at worse untrue. I can show messages from him to support all of this.

I've had to instruct my previous solicitor again and fear I will also need a Barrister for the FHDRA. I've got very limited funds now as all I had left of my divorce settlement went towards buying a house for us. It's utterly shitty and soul destroying and really affecting my wellbeing.

I've contacted Refuge to see if they can support me witha view to exploring the new post separation abuse laws that have recently come into effect.

Ask your solicitor about applying for an order under section 91(14) of the Children Act. The recent Domestic Abuse Act makes it easier to get one of these orders as a protective filter. It will stop him from making constant ridiculous applications like this.

I went through all this op and more. Our order (I am a gp carer) was not well drafted and my gs's dad seized upon this, although it was corrected at a later date. I was actually taken back to court because although I had not stopped any contact whatsoever I had the temerity to ask his parents assist with contact as he was due in criminal court on a number of dates. He said I was refusing contact and I received court papers for an action that I had not even undertaken.

What happened was that the Judge asked exactly what he was in court for. Turned out he was in for two separate incidents, one being ABH and the second GBH. The Judge ordered reports and changed contact back to supervised. So he took me to court but the order was changed to my original request.

You get to respond op. Say you offered another weekend but he is failing to make himself available for contact and also ask for clarification in the order. I am sorry you are suffering this as I know how awful it is. Try not to worry, it may well work in your favour. I think you need to be firmer, his schedule is set out in the order and he needs to stick to it.

I think if you can show messages from him to support all of what you say don't bother to get legal representation. Certainly not a barrister that's a lot of money!

I suspect he is trying to cost you money with repeatedly taking it back to court so get legal advice on that but don't show ex you are spending money on representation in court. If he knows it's not costing you he may stop doing it especially if it's costing him each time.

Think on this as a positive. You can ask for the court order to be very clear so negotiations between parents is not needed. I did this. I gave up 3 years of birthdays and Christmas as they all fell on ex weekend and I said in court I was prepared to do this to ensure we would not have to negotiate special occasions. We have a contact pattern and we stick to it whoever has the child on the special day has the child. It was a hard first year but I was a grey rock (look that method up it's very helpful!!) then he got a new partner and cancelled his Christmas contact two year in a row and now contact falls in my favour for a couple years with special occasions. I recommend to everyone don't seek time on Mother's Day Christmas etc just give it up and ask for a clear contact pattern. It's better in the long run. And honestly I think when a judge is faced with a woman arguing for this no matter what the 'fact finding' found they can see you are trying to limit an abuser's control over you and they give you the clear order you need.