Letter from Ex re Harassment & Childcare Arrangements

[Hare95]

Hi everyone 👋

I really need some advice regarding a solicitors letter I received recently from a solicitor that my ex partner has instructed. The letter came totally unexpected and the contents of it are utter rubbish to be honest. It’s left me feeling so upset I can’t even begin to explain.

Brief summary - Split with ex approx 20 months ago of whom I have a 6yo with. It’s been nothing but a nightmare since the split, can’t see eye to eye on anything, I feel my ex should be involved more but my ex doesn’t. I feel my ex should pay more but my ex doesn’t. The only thing I can say is that contact and child maintenance payments are both consistent. Albeit I feel the quantity isn’t right. Recently found out my 6yo had been allowed to play an age 18 game (ex disputes how much my 6yo was involved but my 6yo has been very specific about the situation and I have no reason to doubt this as there is no way my child would know the info I’ve been given without having played it). My child was also allowed toy figures from Huggy Wuggy and related characters, which my ex saw no problem with. Ex has phoned my 6yo once in 20 months, rarely asks how our child is when our child is with me (85% of the time - sometimes my ex goes extended periods with no contact and doesn’t ask how our child is, doesn’t make a call to our child), you get the gist…

The letter I’ve received says I’ve been harassing my ex with texts and demanding more child maintenance. Yes I’ve mentioned child maintenance countless times, but never have I demanded anything. I’ve asked if my ex feels the base rate of child maintenance is enough support during a cost of living crisis and proceeded to talk about why I feel it’s justified for the payments to increase but that’s all. As for the quantity of messages, just for context, in the last 3 months to date, I’ve sent 112 messages and my ex has sent 95. Hardly harassment in my eyes. And my ex has the nerve to accuse me of harassment, when I was subjected to physical domestic violence during our relationship. One incident caused a breast lump which I was sent to hospital for on a 2 week potential cancer referral, only to be told by the radiologist that it had been caused by bruising as the bruising could be seen underneath on the scan. I never reported any of this, I just have photographs of the bruises. On another occasion I was thrown across a room and then dragged back up by my clothes whilst being screamed and sworn at, only to find our child was stood behind my ex and witnessed the latter part where I was being pulled up. It’s safe to say that the relationship being over is a good thing, and I’m now happy with a new partner and my ex is also with someone new. As for the child arrangements the solicitor has referred to, the rota we have in place isn’t up for question, it’s the special occasions. I have voiced concerns that I don’t feel it’s fair to have time taken away from me on special occasions when I’m the main carer of our child, but also because my ex rarely steps up for additional time during school holidays. It feels unfair to me that my ex wants to add extra time to the rota on very special occasions, but yet can’t be bothered to support more on the not so special occasions such as the holidays. My ex does step up for some of the school holidays, but we are talking 3/4 - 1 day at max in a week, and then other school holidays it might be nothing at all. The solicitors letter therefore refers to the plans for special occasions (birthdays and Christmas) stating my ex wants to reach an amicable agreement on this. The letter also states that if there’s any future “harassment” my ex will be advised to report to the Police of whom will act accordingly if it’s deemed a Police matter/breaking the law/harassment etc which could result in a fine or imprisonment!

The letter also states that my ex wants to come to an agreement amicably (I assume regarding birthdays and Christmas as I don’t see what else we need to agree on, and the request to come to an agreement is within the paragraph following the one making suggestions regarding a rota for these special occasions), and that if we don’t, they will advise my ex “accordingly in respect of the court process and litigation”.

I guess my questions are…do I have to respond? I don’t want to. I don’t want to give my ex the satisfaction. My ex knows I’m the type of person to fight until the end if I believe something is wrong, even if it makes me ill in doing so. So I know my ex would probably put money on me responding and/or retaliating. But honestly I just want to ignore it! The letter states I (or a solicitor on my behalf) should respond within 14 days and that they recommend I seek legal advice. Is this just scaremongering? It doesn’t say what will happen if I don’t…But also can I be penalised for not responding when my ex wants to agree on a rota for special occasions? Or should I ignore it and just speak to my ex directly about these as my ex has said we can still communicate about our child? To be honest I don’t feel the letter is very clear as I shouldn’t be left with questions and I am, so sorry for how long this post is as I’m blabbering on trying to get my own head around it all 🤦🏼‍♀️

The letter also stresses my ex is happy to continue talking to me about our child but not regarding other matters (I can’t fathom this part because I’ve only ever tried to discuss topics relating to our child!).

Any advice will be massively appreciated! 🙂

x

P.S Please let me know if any info I’ve included is too much/could cause problems legally and I’ll amend the post straight away.

Your main points on maintenance and contact-

Is he paying the calculated CMS amount? Or less?

Regarding contact/involvement, legally you can't force him to do more than he chooses unfortunately. That's just the way it is.

CMS - don't speak to him directly about this. He only has to pay the minimum calculation, so you are fighting a loosing battle there.

Special Occasions- usually the alternate, if you agree with this and it's what he is suggesting, then I would just agree it.

You don't have to reply to the letter. But in not doing so is he likely to put in a court application? If so are you miles apart on what you both want regarding contact, or close enough you can agree and therefor no longer the need to communicate so much.

I've been through the courts and it was absolutely brutal and mentally exhausting. I would always try and sort things without their envolvmenr where possible.

Good luck. Stay strong.

Wow. 112 messages in 3 months is A LOT.

It is not unreasonable for your ex to want to share special occasions with your dc. And it is not unreasonable for him to pay only the cms amount (does he pay the cms amount? Cost of living crisis is crippling but doesn't affect the cms figure unfortunately)

I think you need to appreciate that YOUR CHILD has the right to a relationship with their father, and this does mean sharing special occasions. What are you going to do in the future - wedding/graduation etc, make them choose?

And the messaging is too much op. Short, concise and factual. Disengage.

If you have evidence of the assault in medical records you may wish to consider reporting the incidents of abuse now.

I'd get legal advice about the letter and what to respond. But I would cut down on the communication with him. Give up on him paying more than CMS its not fair but he doesn't have to. A solicitor will advise on the special occasions but I suspect that the fact his dad is generally useless doesn't mean the court won't award him alternate special occasions etc. So you might be advised to agree that. You could maybe also respond to suggest he has your DS extra time in the school.holidays or responsibility for child care payment on those days.

Thanks for all of your replies. I agree re the child maintenance amount. I was just trying to discuss the matter between us as parents as we do discuss things. Never did I anticipate it would be reported!

im happy to agree to the alternating special occasions. I’ve only ever said I feel disgruntled about having that time taken away from me when my ex wont step up during school holidays etc (you have to take the bad with the good, right?) My ex can’t even be bothered to ask how our child is when there’s no contact for 12 days every 4 weeks. It’s just crappy that as the main carer I put my heart and soul into our child 24/7 but then I have to loose out on the special times :(

I’m worried about reporting the DV incase it escalated matters between us. I just feel in all honesty my ex always has the upper hand!

a few of you have said 112 messages is a lot but like I said we do discuss things between us. And surely that’s proved by me having 95 messages from my ex in that time? In all honesty the additional 17 messages are likely me checking in on our son, I would do this probably once per day and my ex has him for about 15 days over 3 months. So I really don’t feel the amount of messages amounts to harrassment as they seem quite equal whereas the additional 17 are because I check in on our son whereas my ex never does. Hope this makes sense! And please don’t think I’m arguing with anyone as I really do appreciate the advice. I guess I’m just trying to prove to myself it’s not harassment as I wouldn’t sleep at night if anyone thought that of me 😔

I guess I have a few options but I don’t know what’s best…

1. Ignore the letter, stop contacting my ex m, and when birthdays and Christmas get mentioned agree to alternate.
2. contact my ex now and agree to alternate as that seems to be the only issue outstanding. Again ignore the letter. Stop contact apart from this.
3. Engage with solicitors to say I agree to alternate special occasions, which I really don’t want to do as I don’t want my ex to feel victory that I’m engaging with them and agreeing to what’s been asked of me.

i just don’t know if I’m allowed to ignore the letter or if I can get in trouble/make things worse for doing this

thanks again for anyone reading x

You can ignore the letter if you want. But if you don't communicate with your ex and ignore the letter and nothing is sorted out, he's able to apply to court. It will be expensive and time consuming. I can't see why he wouldn't get alternate special holidays. Court could be good if you want to agree childcare in the holidays but nothing can really force him to take that time either.

Personally, with that type of history of abuse, I would get that on record, especially if you have medical evidence.

I would be aiming to minimise the amount of contact, as it gives him an opportunity to continue the abuse in another form. You do seem very anxious. Have you had any help in processing what he did and is continuing to do to you?

a few of you have said 112 messages is a lot but like I said we do discuss things between us. And surely that’s proved by me having 95 messages from my ex in that time? depends on the content of the messages really.

Having been through battles like this myself, i do empathise but honestly you sound too involved. 112 messages is too many, all you need is a text to arrange pick up, one to arrange drop off, one to inform of anything impacting child that they need to be aware of. Nothing else really needs to be discussed.

You can't force another parent to be involved so I'd give up trying. If the father is paying the CMS amount there's nothing further you can do. You need to distance yourself as much as possible. Don't message unless you have to make arrangements, keep it about the child. I know it's difficult to detach yourself from a previous partner but it's the only way this works.

You need to respond to this letter via his solicitor or else you run the risk of it going to court and decisions being made - and set in stone - that you disagree with. The first stage of that process would be to attend mediation where you both try to thrash out the issues. If you can’t agree, it would go to court and a judge would make the final decision.
The DV issues you’ve mentioned could be followed up if you have evidence. Also, there is an app that allows parents in your situation to message each other where necessary but it’s monitored. So any accusations of intimidation, or excessive messaging would be noted. Maybe have a look at it. https://www.ourfamilywizard.co.uk/
With regards to sharing special occasions, this is perfectly reasonable of him to want to do. You could counter that by getting it in writing that he also had DC for some of the school holidays.

Contrary to the response above saying you need to respond to the letter, you do not. You can ignore it and communicate directly with the father. Given the domestic abuse, even if he wanted mediation, you could refuse it. He may apply to court - that's not such a negative (see below), and it will cost him to do so - £232 he could give to you for the child - says a lot about him really.

You can agree for him to have the child for specified times on special occasions, e.g. if birthday falls on a school day, he can collect from school and return home by 6:30 pm. If it's on a weekend, or during school holidays, adjust the time accordingly so you both get time with the child on the actual birthday. Or offer a weekend day closest to the birthday.

You can do the same for other special occasions, such as Christmas/Easter/other religious or important holidays/dates. E.g. Christmas Eve 4 pm to 10 am on Christmas Day in alternate years with the other parent having Christmas Day 10 am to Boxing Day (you figure out the times (and holidays) that suit what you think meets your child's needs best).

Sounds to me like a court order may in fact be preferable if you want the father to have the child more. The court can make an order if he accepts more time, but they cannot force him if he refuses. Bear in mind, having the child more overnight means a reduction in child maintenance, and as that seems to already be an issue, you may want to be careful as to what you wish for. The bottom line is that if he refuses regular time throughout the year, the court is unlikely to grant him the special occasions only.

112 texts isn't an issue - it's the content that is. The solicitors letter appears to imply from the little you have said, that you are actually asking for more money than the father is paying under CMS rules. You are free to ask for additional funds, but he is also free to refuse to give them, and if you then keep mithering about it, it is harassment. So check the content of your texts before you send them. If it is something he has already said no to, stop repeating it.

Solicitors letters have no more power than the person writing to you directly themselves. You can ignore or respond, it's entirely up to you.

In your case, as you have contact with the ex, send him an email that is brief, concise and to the point.

"I received your solicitor's letter; I won't be engaging with them as the allegation of harassment is false and I am not going to dignify it with a response. I am content to agree some time on special days and holidays with you, the suggestions below are my proposal. Let me know what your proposals are and hopefully we can agree something together. In future, all communication will be via email, unless I am texting or calling to check on X when he's in your care.' (Then list your proposals.)

I would stop messaging him altogether and get a solicitor, and ensure all contact is through them.

In short..
Accept cms amount.
Accept he is a cunt.
Embrace being the better parent... Stop contacting him at all. Offer him fuck all
Why are you trying to give him more time with your precious dc when he is a violent bastard?

You can't force him to be more interested in his son than he is and you have no right to updates when he has him so much as you want to know how he is, leave that alone.

Do yourself a favour and detach:
CMS for child maintenance
texts ONLY to arrange drop off and pick up and genuine emergencies and
Agree holidays & special days via a solicitor

One of the things I think is hard is accepting your ex is a crap father.

just go through Cms - legally that’s all he has to pay - Morally you are talking to the wrong guy.

I think you would like a co parenting relationship. It isn’t going to happen.

mediation is not advised for parents when relationship was abusive.

your Ds has witnessed you been abused - honestly the less time he spends with him the better.

you say it yourself - he loves a fight so stop fighting.

one of the things it took me time to realise with my ex was that he didn’t listen to me when we were married - he sure wasn’t going to now .

whilst holding the higher moral ground , by responding I kept the fight going. Once I hung up once he started been abusive and turned my phone off so I didn’t respond contact got less and less.

in reality he didn’t care about his Ds so once he had nothing to fight about gave up.

he will never be the dad your child deserves- that’s a hard one to give up on too

You should use CMS for the money side.

You can pay a solicitor to send a letter saying whatever you want. Just because it's from a solicitor, it doesn't mean that it reflects the legal position so it's fine to ignore it. It won't affect child custody or become part of the legal record so don't worry.

There's one reason why you should reply. The solicitor will charge your ex for reading your reply and taking the time to inform him about what you've said. 😈 So sending something back to the solicitor like "Noted" will end up costing your ex money.

You need to accept that he's not interested and won't pay extra. The system is set up so that NRP can dictate how much or little they see their child and it's assumed the RP will make up the slack. It's shit but realistic and the sooner you let it go and accept that he wants a distant relationship that's focused on the celebration days then the better you will feel. Deadbeats can not be forced to change. It is unfair that he'd get 50% of special days in court but accepting it will mean less drama in your life.

112 messages in 3 months sounds like a lot to me. Are they generally arguments so lots in one go or an almost daily update?

It sounds like he is only interested in negotiations about special days so get that over with so there's some progress.

I would stop texting him. He doesn't want to co-parent so parallel parenting is the next best thing. (You both do your own thing during your time) It's a shame for the child but his personality means that he will be awkward because you're his ex and you're not going to get anywhere.

Accept that things are not going to be the way you want them to be. He will put in as much time, effort and money as he wants, no matter what kind of knots you tie yourself into trying to get him to do more. It's not fair, but it's a fact. Do you actually want your child with someone who lets him play 18+video games and has assaulted you in the past? Focus on what's best for your DC which is a calm and happy home when he's with you, not a mum who's seething because his dad is a shit, and being forced to spend more time with him than absolutely necessary.

Go through the CMS for maintenence. Do not contact your ex when your child is in his care for updates, and vice versa. Use an app designed for divorced parents, Two Houses etc. which will vastly reduce the need for any contact whatsoever between you. It's what it's designed for.

112 +95 text messages is a lot of back and forth in ninety days, when the goal is the least amount of contact that does the job.

You are going to need to accept that this is not going to be a fair situation, and that there is little that you can do about it, and the sooner you can do that and get yourself to a more peaceful and balanced place, the better for you and your DC.