Severe Emotional Abuse

[HornbeamLane]

Hi all

I am writing this thread as I left my ex 2.5 years ago when DD was 5 months old due to emotional abuse.

Today it's 3am and I'm returning home from my first trip away from my DD, the first time with a new bf. Whilst away, my ex has contacted social services and accused my bf of sexual abuse on my DD. Naturally it's ruined the whole trip.

My bf has never even had the opportunity (let alone the intent) to have done anything so abuse is out of the question. Social services have gone to see DD today who is with m mother. I have an active harassment file open with the police. Yet I feel like I am trapped and no one has ever been able to help me.
In a nutshell some of the things that have happened are:

• my ex doesn't respond to messages about DDs welfare so I don't know what she does when with him, or what she needs before she sees him (she sees him one day each week overnight)
• he brings her back in nappies when she's potty training
• she has disrupted sleep at his and comes back emotional and tired
• my ex is putting words in DDs mouth and saying she's said things like that she sleeps in the same bed as my bf
• he pretends he's not received text messages changing arrangements and says he will call the police when I don't follow those rigid arrangements even though ive given weeks of notice
• he openly sends me threats
• he refused to allow me permission to take DD abroad on holiday (I contacted solicitors and eventually he agreed without me needing to go to court but it cost £2kin costs because he made the process so difficult)
• he's stolen from me
• he doesn't pay CSA
• he openly shouts at me on exchange
• my daughter tells me "mummy, daddy doesn't say nice things"
• ive witnessed him gaslight my 2 yr old DD by telling me infront of her that she said she sleeps in the same bed as bf, and when she said to me it wasn't true he told her it was
• he returns her in clothes that are dirty (as in unwashed, not new clothes that have got dirty)
• he returns her in sandles that are 3 sizes too small
• he has minimal clothes for her
• he tried to get me evicted from my home
• he talks to my newsagent about me who is next door and has got him on side so he keeps asking me why I don't like my lively ex
• he tried to make me take out a 30k loan in my name (when together)
• he put our joint account to the max overdraft after we split up and refused to let me be taken off the account
• he used to stop me seeing friends and family, isolated me and abused me financially

I am at my wits end to the point that this is making me sick. After this new accusation and knowing a social worker was stripping my daughter down to check for sexual abuse completely unnecessarily i have now decided to withhold contact but I know even the most abusive of men get contact with their child. If I withhold contact and he gets a child arrangement order, then I will be tied to him and if I don't follow the order I'd be in contempt.

I work FT and have very little family support as my mum works nightshifts.

What do I do to stop this?

I've tried ignoring, I've tried grey rocking methods. Nothing works. He just wants me dead from the inside out and I am scared what he will do next.

How do I protect me and my daughter?

Ive contacted my health visitor, social services and the police and until I have an active imminent threat from him, no one is willing to lift a finger. It's making me depressed and at this rate, my mental health will take me before he does because I just can't cope with this day in and day out.

My health visitor even told me that when my daughter (2.5) is bigger she will have a voice and can say she doesn't want to see him. Do I really need to wait for this before something can be done to protect her? I told them that by then the damage will be done.

There’s a lot to unpick here but it boils down to you need to stop pandering to him and have the confidence to see him for what he is. Eg you need to ignore the bloody unprofessional shop keeper, can you not go to a different store?

Only speak to your ex via solicitors, don’t personally message or call him. Get court arranged visitation and child maintenance. His lies are psychotic. You need to protect yourself. It will be expensive but ultimately will be worth it.

Unfortunately a lot of what you have grievances with have no solution eg shitty parenting. That’s unfortunately the consequence of having kids with a useless father

You need to try and get the rest of it taken seriously. If he’s stolen from you, made threats, abused you, tried to commit fraud etc then you need to go back to the police and raise a complaint with the police if necessary. Can you get a non mol order? Also you should call the bank and ask to be removed from the account, it’s not his choice to “refuse”

Bumping

Fairly certain social workers don’t strip children down to check for sexual abuse but hopefully a social worker will be along soon to put your mind at rest.

Please go to Women's Aid

You are going to have to deal with the sex abuse allegation first otherwise everything else will just be seen as you trying to deflect.

Were SW/ the Hv aware of all of the above PRIOR to this new allegation?

If she was being neglected it should have been reported at the time. You need photo evidence, and preferably other witnesses to him neglecting her.

Record everything from now on.

I assume they have told you DP can't have contact with DD until they have finished their investigation? You and her may need to live alone until then (could be a few weeks). If DD is at your Mums there is nothing to stop ex from removing DD from your Mums care.

Once the sex abuse stuff is over then you need to be making reports to SW each and every time he neglects or emotionally abused your DD. However this may be dismissed as malicious and a counter allegation.

You have my sympathies. It's a mess and will drag on for years.

It's important though that right now professionals see your priority as protecting your DD from the potential threat from DP rather than your focus on ex. It will taint their view of you.

100% this does not happen. The only person who can assess for possible signs of sexual abuse in children is a fully trained and qualified health professional ideally a forensic paediatrician.

Thé social worker came to the house and got my daughter to individually show each part of her body.
I'm not sure why the focus of this is shifting to what people think is and isn't true when I am saying what's happened.
My DP has never even stayed the night or been in a room alone with her here.
Does anyone have any helpful information where they've been through this before and managed to get the controlling behaviour under control, got restraining orders or had a successful court application for sole custody?
I'm scared to leave my DD with my daughter and to have another exchange with him as his behaviour is escalating

The focus is shifting because that just wouldn’t happen. So if aspects of your post don’t make sense people will want to clarify.

Well it did happen. What is so unbelievable about that? I'm in the UK. Presumably those responding are US or elsewhere or the SW has gone outside of the norm. I don't know but can we move to my actual query rather than being wound up trying to justify this point.
I really don't need this

Maybe it'd help if I clarify the SW wanted to look at her legs and butt cheeks for bruises that my ex said she had. They didn't want to check her intimately

A SW asking to look at suspected bruises is standard practice. If there's anything there then she would be sent for a forensic medical.

But you are not listening.

The urgent issue is the allegation that your DD has been a victim of sexual abuse. You need to deal with that first.

Then come on and ask for advice re your awful ex.

If you raise this for the first time with professionals now they will write you off as being malicious.

That's just how it is.

Oh and people sexually abuse DCs without ever apparently being left alone with them or having overnights.

Given the history it is likely to be malicious BUT you need to keep an open mind that it might not be.

There has been no opportunity for sexual abuse. Period. I don't know how else I can put this which is more straightforward than I already have.

He's never been left on his own with her in any way, shape or form when ive not been there with direct sight of her

how long have you been with your boyfriend and what’s his reaction to all this?

Op. It just gets worse. You have to stand up for yourself. You must go to Women's Aid. They will do the thinking for you and give you choices that are easier to understand.

DP is exceptionally supportive and helping me go through channels for support. I'm quite shocked at how well he's putting up with it all in all honesty.

I tried contacting Women's Aid a long time ago but after 1h30 waiting on the phone I gave up. I had similar with other charities.

If I call them again will they actually be able to help? I don't mind calling if they will but I just seem to fall between all the authorities.

What's positive is that the SW has escalated my matter to a MARAC she said for my safety. She's not concerned for my daughter because she said I'm doing so well keeping her safe but she's concerned for my safety. Also had the police call me today to have an interview for my safety too. So it might be i'm finally going to get the help. Fingers crossed.

I think the SW I have had been amazing. She's a DV expert so she's cut through stuff like butter which is a relief. Sounds like it's a blueprint they're used to

You need a non molestation order to protect yourself and a prohibitive steps order for him to have contact with your child.

You need to address the sexual abuse allegations head on and be seen to be taking this seriously.

Go to the police and report any and all threatening behaviour, controlling behaviour, gaslighting etc. If you have proof, take it with you to show them.
Every incidence needs to be recorded and you need to seriously sit and evaluate if someone who can do these things to you, is the right person to be around your daughter.
Your daughter suffers if you are being manipulated, controlled and abused. Do not think for 1 second she would not be classed as veing abused herself by this process. Kids are badly damaged by this type of thing and social services know only too well.

Your child may be yours, by by law she is a ward of the state. The state simply allow your child to live with you, the parent. Give them reason, any reason at all to think that is not wise, and see how quickly the states child is taken from its biological parent. It is not fair, but the court does not care about your drama with your ex, only that the child is in a dafe environment. That may sound harsh, but it is true.

Make copies of all communications. Dont speak on the phone. Text or email communication so you have proof of what is said.
Contact womens aid and apply for legal aid. Take a loan out to pay for a solicitor if you earn too much to qualify for legal aid. Do not delay and take action now. Do not put your child, or yourself through another second of his abuse.

Thank you. Ive done all of the above. Working on the Orders as we speak.
It's helpful to have some insight by someone who clearly has some good knowledge on this. Thank you

False allegations and using the authorities to harass an ex-partner are one of the types of abuse more commonly perpetuated by women against men so it's just occurred to me that your partner might also get some good advice from ManKind on the harassment he is experiencing from your ex.