If ASD assessment is ordered who pays?

[layni1901]

I suspect my ex is neurodivergent.

He applied for CAO 3 months ago. We have a 14m dd. The initial Cafcass report has recommended interim contact centre supervision. Currently awaiting the first hearing.

I have never blocked contact. His behaviour has made it impossible to co-parent. He has already put dd at risk and this is noted in the report.

Co-parenting hasn't worked and can't unless something changes. A diagnosis would enable access to support and a real shot at co-parenting. He has relentlessly ignored me for 8 months for reasons unknown. All my pleas for help with her care were ignored. He appears in his element while he's doing it which baffles me. I am not against him. I really don't know what to do anymore.

If I provide details to the court in my statement are they likely to request or order he get an assessment? If so, who would be expected to pay?

Do you have actual, verifiable instances of behaviour which has put your child at risk, op?

I'm not dodging any questions. I would happily list all the things he has done since dd has been born. But it will make no difference. I'm not allowed to cast judgment on him. It's all in my head.

Also FWIW Court wouldn't even enforce asd parenting course for diagnosed DS that was documented as essential for both parents by medical professionals. Whilst that was a while back, I really don't think much has changed.

Unless your welfare concerns are documented, independently evidenced and off the scale dangerous I reckon you have no chance

Could you give examples of what he has done?

Either they happened or they didn't. The reason they happened is not for you to prove via demands for court sanctioned assessments... Ffs.

Op, I don't think you mean to be but some of your statements, judgements & comparisons are extremely offensive to those of us here who are neurodiverse or the parents of neurodiverse children. Support is extremely thin on the ground even when you have a diagnosis - for example I had to call the police as my child, when they were 13 was barricaded in their room with kitchen knives trying to kill themselves. They were offered 2 counselling sessions 11 months after the incident. That's it, nothing else & this is a child with a known history.
This thread is likely to end up way off track as a result.
Personally I would request this taken down & start a new one aimed at addressing how your Ex was unsafe with your child & advice about parallel parenting.
Wishing you well

I'd agree with the suggestion to maybe ask that this thread be taken down, so you can start a new one that focuses on the actual issues and leaves ideas about your ex being autistic out of it.

Unfortunately, you don't seem to have much understanding of autism, what support is available, or even how assessment works. You've said a few things that are pretty offensive (it's not a "mental condition", and putting autism and narcissistic personality disorder in the same sentence with the implication that they present in similar ways...good god, no. Please do not).

Because of that, and because you've been talking about a court ordered assessment (which is pretty ridiculous, it's not going to happen), you're not likely to get good advice on this thread.

@ReadersD1gest dd takes medication and attends nursery. I gave her some before dropping her off. Nursery calls 2 hours later to say she is not herself can they administer medicine. I missed the call by 10mins. They call ex he authorises the medication. He hasn't spoken to me, emails, texts nothing for months at this point. He doesn't know if dd should have the medication or not but says yes anyway. When I speak to nursery and inform them they say come immediately dd has been givien too much, they are not happy for her to be there rest of day, they are not liable etc. Thankfully she was ok but I had to take her doc. And I am always left having to explain everything. Now fair enough I should have told them I gave her some at handover which I normally do but I got lost in the conversation and they always up until that day get through to me straight away. I would never assume he would do something like that. Why couldn't he tell them to ask mum? He avoids referring to me relentlessly and since I have known him very rarely says my name (hard to explain). When I bring it to his attention he ignores it. Doesn't ask about dd or try to give any explanation of why it happened. He is so desperate not to communicate with me. He doesn't know what is going on with her. I send him email updates about important things regarding her but I don't know if he ever reads them. I never get anything back. I have now stopped. He tries to parent in isolation all the time and is dismissive of me at every turn. When he's had dd it's all a big secret. When she's returned I ask him has she slept, eaten etc.. no comment.. this all before she was 1 years old. His ability to block things out is unmatched. Relies on constant prompts or doesn't speak. He goes along with things he doesn't agree with and therefore holds silent grudges. He never supported me with her day-to-day care in the beginning when he was still coming to my home. He perceived my struggles with dd as a bad mood and sought to emulate my behaviour rather than try to resolve things. I have done nothing to him and there is absolutely no reason for it unless that is his way of trying to cope with my 'moods'. He takes things very seriously and finds offense where there is none. Hides all emotion or can't express. He always appears in his element like nothing is wrong. I lose patience and become angry when I am otherwise a highly reserved person. When I suggested to him lets try the contact centre because I've had all I can take he agrees of course but in the background silently attends MIAM and withholds the date/time so I can't attend and filed court. Now through court, he wants all this access I've never heard of before. He says it's my fault he has no bond with dd because I am bitter about our relationship and I refuse access. This is not true in case I'm misunderstood. There are other things he's done. As far as things unrelating to dd that give me suspicion.. he has sensory issues with loud noises, rocks back and forth constantly without realizing it, he can't eat certain foods if the packet has been opened. Has no hobbies but is obsessed with the gym. Never wanted to do anything or go anywhere, ever. He refers to himself as weird and suggests people like him don't belong in relationships. I have done everything in my power to support this man. These things did not matter to me in the slightest. But this past year with dd is different. I am tired and concerned about how it affects how we co-parent and dd growing up. I can't be online anymore it's getting me down. I just wanted to know what the court's views are when I write my statement and now I know so thank you for the useful comments.

There's only one concrete problem there; the medication thing, and you're equally culpable for not letting the nursery know you'd given it to her?
I can't see anything else that makes you believe she's at risk of serious harm?

I've not listed all the risk of harm. I've written why I suspect he has a disorder.

They already know I give her in the morning. I've done very well keeping on top of things with the nursery. We were talking about her condition before I left. Yes, I have to say I've given her but we do the same thing every day.

You need to stop looking for his motivations and focus solely on dd care. Does he ask for a breakdown of dd time with you? You cannot micromanage his tine with her. The medication mix up was as much your fault as his. I thought you had said he was seeng her at a contact centre?

But for the purposes of convincing a court that the child is at risk of coming to serious harm at his hands, it's not really relevant?

I'm totally confused as to what you're at here 🤷🏻‍♀️

No one bcos they won’t order one to be done.

He doesn't ask me anything. I have left her at her grandparent's several times and I assume sometimes he is there. They live outside the area. But now his parents are being funny with me. He cold see her at my home set times each week but mostly did not come. When he did he would act like I wasn't there so fair enough. I would stay upstairs. Handover became uncomfortable and things weren't working. I suggested a contact centre to fit dd routine around naps to begin. She has no bond with him.. he has never been regular with contact I did not say you are going to the contact centre. Why agree, why not just say I want this or that. After the Cafass interview, she basically recommended what I proposed to him although I never said anything about supervision.

@ReadersD1gest I am new to court and learning. I am aware courts don't deal with feelings and emotions. I am learning.

So stick to facts 🤷🏻‍♀️

But all this shows is that you dont get along, nothing else, no evidence of any disorder, just two people who dislike each other

he could just as easily say you have a disorder

Agree, you need to be aware that the more you push this the more it may backfire. Now you mention him visiting at your hime I wonder if you posted previously. Stop enabling visits and make him do the running. Keep a diary of when he does or does not see her. He has no bond out of choice.

Btw, op, you have no actual right to interrogate him as to what happens when she's with him. He's not obliged to answer questions on how she's slept, eaten, played, whatever.
Would you like to have to justify how you spend your time to him?

I’ve read through and the only issue I see is that you dislike each other and he said yes to nursery administered medication. The onus there was on you to let nursery know that you had given it already (and if you did then the fault lies with the nursery) nothing in that paints him as causing harm to your child - if anything you are fault imo.

oh and as a pp said likening ASD and narcissism to each other is fucking rude.

It really sounds like you are just mud-slinging given you refuse to explain your “risk of harm” reasoning and instead keep insisting there is something wrong with him.

But it doesn't matter if you suspect he has 'a disorder'. It's in no way relevant to what you're talking about. (Unless you actually think your ex being autistic would mean there's an increased risk of harm to your child? Really hoping this isn't the case.)

The medication issue was a mistake between you, the nursery, and your ex - is that right? Bringing that up looks like you're trying to find fault with him but don't have much evidence, so you've had to use something really tenuous/weak because there are no good examples of why you feel your child is at risk with him.

If you and your ex don't get on, find a way to deal with that - there's an app I see mentioned on here quite often that sounds helpful when communication is difficult (I'm sure someone will know what it's called if you're interested).
If you feel your child is at risk with him, keep a record of exactly what happened, and when. Facts only.
Drop the fixation on whether he's autistic or not, it doesn't matter.

Non of the behaviour you describe scream asd to me. It all sounds like exs that don’t get along and it’s not that unusual unfortunately. I do think your expectations are unrealistic, I get it I really do, your protective of your dd it’s natural but unfortunately you had a baby and split up so you cannot now dictate when and where he sees her and what he does when he is on his own with her. I have to admit I wouldn’t have been happy going to my exs to see my dc on her say so and would probably have ignored them if so. Your demands while understandable as a newish mum are unreasonable. You have to find a way to let it go.
Your relationship for whatever reason ended badly with bad feelings and you cannot co-parent, the best you can expect is parallel parenting. It’s not what you want but it is what it is.

You or he can go to court for a cao, they can make one with whatever terms but you cannot force anyone to adhere to it. If he is ordered weekends for example and decides not to turn up there is nothing you or any court in the land can do about that. You cannot force someone to the door. Also why would you want to? Why try force someone into contact they don’t want, it’s for the benefit of the child and I see little benefit in that situation, in fact it’s detrimental to the child’s well-being.

Your example re the meds is not ideal but that alone will not prove or action anything. You could equally be held responsible and I’d caution you here if you are self representing as his legal team will tear that apart.

Asc does have impact people in different ways and may affect some peoples ability to do certain things related to parenting but it’s not a given and even with a diagnosis it won’t say “x is autistic so can’t do x to parent his dd”. Some autistic people are brilliant parents, some NT people are shit parents it’s not a indicator one way or the other. A diagnosis of asc, even if your ex got one, will not alone force supervised contact or state any terms purely because of that so it’s pointless to ask for one for your reasons even if it was possible which it’s not.

I mean this kindly but I would urge you to reflect on your communication, as from your post I feel you may struggle with this and it may be creating a barrier without you realising. I may be wrong and I’m not saying it’s your fault that all this has happened but it’s worth a mention.

When you get to court you need to stick to the facts, do not accuse or bring anything up without having the evidence to back it up, focus on the best outcomes for your dd not what your ex is doing wrong. Don’t go with the expectations that it will force him to suddenly become a great co parent and give him the ability to follow your requirements. Get independent legal representation as your going to need it. This is not an easy process and it’s filled with emotion and you need to be prepared.

It’s sounds difficult. Document everything. Then get the best family lawyer you can afford and go for supervised access. Unfortunately it will probably take something catastrophic before anyone will listen.