Mediation or court following divorce

[magsjp]

Hi everyone

After a bit of advice please regarding whether to go for mediation or full blown court proceedings to sort out living arrangements/contact for my children following a nasty divorce.

We split up nearly 4 years ago and used mediation to sort out financial matters but over time I have come to realise via support from my new partner how much my ex controlled me in the marriage and also continues to do so now through the children.

We are in a situation where I couldn't bear to live in the same town as him following our split, and following how he screwed me financially throughout the marriage and in the mediation proceedings (where I was still cleverly manipulated by him) I couldn't afford a big enough house to be suitable for me and the kids, so I moved an hour away. He kept the family home. Life continues to revolve around him, so the kids go to a school near to his house and I do all the driving to bring them to mine.

We are currently in a 50/50 care split arrangement but it is taking its toll, we are all exhausted with the daily commute to school every other week and my older daughter is experiencing significant mental health issues. It is not clear whether she is anxious and then becomes controlling, or is it that she is controlling and becomes anxious when she cannot be in control. My ex is very similar. It is now at the point where my older daughter is refusing to see me and although my ex is appearing to be caring on the surface, in reality he is not being helpful in actually supporting her to see me.

I need some advice please about whether anyone else has been through similar and what did they do? Does anyone have any recommendations for solicitors in family law that truly get men that control in a mental abuse manner, who appear calm and lovely but in reality they twist everything you say and do to their own benefit. He has manipulated countless professionals into taking his side and I don't want the risk of getting support from someone legal who will also be taken in by his manipulation.

Thank you for listening!

Why would you even consider mediation if you recognise that he's already screwed you once financially with that method? Do you really trust him to play fair now when it comes to the DC? Even if you came to an agreement through mediation, he can change the goalposts anytime he wants without a court order in place that he's legally bound to stick to.
You're already 50/50 by agreement so what is it you want to change about the arrangements already in place? I'm sorry all the travel is exhausting you all but you were the one who decided to move an hour away so I'm not sure how you'd solve this part unless you were willing to move back until the DC were old enough to make the journey alone.

As to recommending a solicitor, without knowing what area you are in, that's not going to be possible for anyone to do. No qualified and professional solicitor would be manipulated by a controlling prick. they've seen and heard it all before and will work their hardest to achieve a fair outcome (which doesn't necessarily mean you getting exactly what you want, btw).
But a court will take all your DC's needs at the forefront if their decision, explore home situations, get CAFCASS reports etc whereas mediation may only achieve what your ex can manipulate you into, ie what he wants, like he did last time.

Thank you for your reply. You're right, why would anything be different in mediation this time. Maybe court is the right process. We are near Spalding, Lincolnshire if anyone has a recommendation around here.

Please can you explain what CAFCASS does?

CAFCASS have their own website, which can explain what they do far better than me

You have, effectively, been ousted. 50/50 is not a great solution either but how can it be improved without Dc changing schools? Moving 1 hour away was always going to cause issues and he’s going to say this. He has the house and can provide stability. Can you move much nearer?

Maybe Dc don’t like the arguing and atmosphere? Or the travelling! I would see a reputable solicitor and discuss options. Mediation didn’t have to be the final answer. However I think you are on the back foot unless you can make big changes. Your Dc will have an input.

Unfortunately I can’t see court being beneficial.
In the eyes of the court
you moved away
the commute is on you
if your DC doesn’t want to see you unless their is clear evidence a court could order less contact with you?

concentrate on building relationships with your children

How old are the DC?

Was your financial agreement signed off by the court? If not you could get that re-assessed

Please don't mediate with a person who is perpetuating the abuse (post separation abuse) which he exerted through the marriage.

How old is your daughter? Depending on her age the court may let her decide.

Sadly, I think that the courts would not look favourably on you. It was a choice you made to move so far away, not his. The children have stayed in their family home and remained at school local to that home - thats only going to be seen as a positive. Regarding your concerns about him influencing your DC, do you have any actual proof of this? As others have said, if your DD is reluctant to come to your home there could be many reasons.
Your ex may well have been an absolute di*k, but if you didn't see this until your current partner pointed it out, are you sure he isn't also being a bit controlling?
Can you move nearer to your children’s home? Surely a smaller house nearer to them is better than a bigger one further away?

Get some support through Womens Aid and possibly some counselling if you can afford it.

You will need to have mediation before court but you can not do this if you have 'proof' of DA. Proof can be just you saying there was. But be careful with that as I got shafted for not seeking support to 'prove' DA. Hence why womens aid should be your first port of call.