Custody

[Ducksinarow1987]

I'm splitting up from DP. He's never been a hands on parent and has left me to do 80% parenting duties. He's now talking 50/50 split custody doe DS4 which seems to be more about getting at me than what he actually wants.

He refuses to consider what's best for our son. I've offered a weekend day and two weekdays evenings coming home to me to sleep initially as he still co sleeps. He says no it should be 50/50 and he should split his time exactly half. I agree that my son should have that relationship with his dad but that we should be supporting the transition and building up to overnights as he's never been away from me. He also doesn't yet have a particularly close relationship with his dad. Dad rarely takes him anywhere.

ExDP works away two nights a week, has been emotionally abusive to me over the years and shown violent behaviours (smashed a big hole in the wall) I don't feel it's in my son's best interests to be with him 50/50 but where do I stand.

Please note, I absolutely do want my son to have a relationship with his father and I would never try to withhold any contact but I just want it to be done in a way which is sensitive to the needs and wants of my son.

On the note of the smashed wall, DS was in the house at the time

In the absence of a court order, you can do whatever you like. He will have to take you to court if he wants more. If he applies for a Child Arrangements Order, the court will decide what is in your son's best interests.

He smashed a hole in the wall of your house in front of your DS?
he sounds dreadful

I’d let court decide. You have been more than reasonable in the circumstances IMO.

Unless you can come to an amicable arrangement between yourselves, it will have to be the court route, who will most likely award 50/50 unless you can prove a reason why this should not happen. You cite emotional abuse and physically aggressive behaviour in front of DC, which sounds awful for you both. However, realistically, unless you are willing and able to prove this in court, it won't matter because you also state you want DC to have a relationship with father and don't want to block contact.
You never now, if the reality of having DC 50% of the time, alone, may make him realise this is unrealistic and he may back down - specially if you're right in thinking he's only saying it to get at you.
But sadly, unless it's a court awarded arrangement, he could swap and change his 'wants' for access all the time. Get some advice from a solicitor. Most offer initial appointment free and will at least give you an idea of what may or may not be possible going forward

I'm divorcing with 3 young children - I was advised it was irrelevant if I did 99% of the parenting before - the dads "right" to 50/50 was paramount under the name of ensuring children have a relationship when them. Basically even if he was a domestic abuser if children were not at risk he'd get 50/50. Very few circumstances would warrant him not getting 50/50 basically. Even if it was a controlling mechanism to avoid paying CMS.

He barely does anything at all with him at the moment so I hope it's all hot air. My son doesn't always want to be around my exdp because he hasn't invested in their relationship so they don't have really have a good bond. For example, when I've mentioned staying away for a night with dad he says he doesn't want to.

Of course DC is reluctant to go for sleepovers. It's all new to him, you won't be there, it's a strange environment and bedroom, all his stuff won't be there. But if you're trying to be amicable and are being genuine in there being a relationship between them, then you will have to encourage and reassure DC and hopefully it will all become familiar and OK for them. Bit of course, it's also reasonable to ask dad to let things happen gradually, at a rate DC is comfortable with. That's if he has his DC's best interests at heart and is capable of being reasonable

Do you think he is the study of man that would spend a few ££££ to make his point and take it through court? If not, stick too your guns.

Do you have proof of him smashing waist? Any photos, old messages between you and friends etc that say he's done it? And police reports from neighbours for arguing etc? That will ask count in your favour

Do you think he'll end up changing his mind? Having a child at his 3/4 days and working away 2 days means 1/2 days for going out, sleeping in etc.

Make sure that he understands 50/50 means whole days. Not picking son up from your house at 7pm for bedtime. He needs to pick up from school and take him there the next day. School holidays and inset days require taking the day off or holiday child care that is not you. Is he likely to stick to this or do you think he'll realise that it's cheaper and easier to pay a work CM to avoid the hassle of having to rearrange his life ?

If you do 50/50 then make sure he understands that he can't have every Saturday and Sunday. You need every other weekend as quality time and to enable him to visit your side of the family. Do you think that he realises that there is 13 weeks of school holidays a year and he'll be responsible for 6.5 weeks ?

In the absence of a court order, so can he. There’s a thread on here right now where the op’s oh has absconded with the children. The op went straight for a prohibited steps order which should have been dealt with extremely promptly, but so did he, so now the case has been delayed as the judge has decided that they both need to be dealt with on the same day, and her oh still has the children. It’s been dragging out for weeks.

You could suggest building up to a 2255 pattern. In practice this means Mondays and Tuesdays with parent A, Wednesdays and Thursdays with parent B then alternating weekends Friday- Monday school drop off.
But you’re right that this should happen slowly if he’s not had DS on his own ever really.
So two evenings a week plus one weekend day every week for a month (like you’ve suggested), then swap to two evenings a week plus every other weekend including Saturday overnight. Then add in one midweek overnight, then the Friday night every other weekend, then the second weekend overnight. So in 6 months or so it’ll be 50/50w.
If he’s always been a crap involved dad either he’ll get his act together or he’ll drop the idea of 50/50.
Super important part is that he is responsible for any school absences due to sickness that fall on his days, as well as all childcare for those days (afterschool wrapround care, holidays etc).

Thanks everyone, some interesting points here. I have photos of the wall. I have friends I told about it at the time

But you didn’t report it so can’t prove it was him

Yep that may be true. I think the idea of me 'outing' that particular incident may make him reconsider however.

I'd be tempted to say ok then. It's unlikely to last when reality of the sole care of a young child sets in. Or when he gets a new girlfriend....

This was my thought. I know he's using it as a weapon. He wants me to change my mind and stay and I believe he's using this to try to give me a reality check.

So use it against him. He wants 50/50? Make him a spreadsheet for the next year showing all the days he will have DS including drop off and collection time location (eg Fri 3.30pm - Sun 6pm etc). Include birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, holiday split and any other times you/he may specifically want DS that falls outwith your time.

Does DS go to school or nursery? Give him drop off and collection times, what day is PE, when he has lunches, any clubs that will fall on his day, term gates and split up the holidays to show him the days he’ll need to find cover and also mention if DS is I’ll on his day he’ll need to cancel work, obviously.

If he wants 50/50, show him in black and white exactly what it will look like. Show him how little time he will have to himself and what having parental responsibility actually looks like.

Once he’s got the master plan, say that as he hasn’t been very involved he’ll need to work towards full 50/50 and come up with a schedule to build up contact. Maybe be start with 10am - 5pm on an Sat/Sun and an evening midweek including school pickup.

The hope is that he’s going to get bored with the idea of 50/50 before he goes to court as he’ll soon realise that he can’t have weekends, will have to arrange childcare etc. you know, as you’ll have to do! If he gets a CO then you’ll be tied into a schedule. I’d be super accommodating now in the hope he’ll bugger off and leave you alone.

If he’s been abusive, then have an email address just for him to exchange information and make arrangements plus you’ll have a record of everything you’ve offered him in order to have a relationship with his son.

Actually I'm going to say this is genius. Make sure you add in things like Friday assemblies at nursery/infants school, summer fairs, hair cuts, dentists, clothes shopping. And then say you actually think it's a great idea. It will give you the chance to have a life again. Possibly meet new pride and increase your friend shop group. And you wanted to join a local gym and improve your health for a while. You can't believe you were so resistant to it in the first place etc. I reckon he will run a mile or suddenly get a promotion that means he can't do it anymore and can only manage a few hours a week.

Oh yes! Forgot about the assemblies, parents’ evenings, carol concerts, he’ll need furniture, clothes, toys, homework will need to be done on his contact time, projects, cake raffles. If he’s at school, do you get the 8 million emails a week? He’ll need to be cc’d in all of those 😀

You guys are genius 😂 it's exactly what I'm planning on doing. Just need to keep my cool and stop reacting emotionally to his 'threats'

Get him to think of all that going out with friends, fun and dating that you'll be getting up to while he has 50/50 😉