Caring for child

[Worried21]

Is there something my son can do to protect himself?
He was with his ex girlfriend for 2 years and she had a baby (not his) who is now 3.
When they split the arrangement was that he have the child every other weekend and one night in the week, the child had grown very attached to my son.
However, the reasons for the split were DV towards my son from the gf. She continues to harass him and I am really concerned that, should the child hurt itself in any way during its time with my son, the gf will raise issues with the police.
My son really is a gentle person and suffered a lot during the time they were together. Any potential injuries will be accidental plus he watches child like a hawk to make sure nothing happens.
Any advice gratefully received, thank you

You have got a few things going on here. Firstly, if he doesn’t have parental responsibility, I don’t know what he would be able to do about it If she said she didn’t want him having further contact with the little one. I don’t know how that works, I suspect he might want to get legal advice about it.
Secondly, in terms of her making malicious allegations against him I have no idea again, but imagine he should at least make sure the police are aware of the harassment he has experienced just so it’s on the record, and possibly make contact with a domestic abuse charity for advice although they are not always very helpful as ultimately it’s a tricky situation that other people can’t just magic away.
in terms of a child being injured during contact, everybody ( ie police and family courts) understands that children do get injured Sometimes, but if and when it happens he will need to handle things sensibly. Share information via text or email if possible as well as a call, keep it friendly and nice but get it in writing, seek medical advice etc, make mum feel involved and reassured.
she could still make an allegation of course, but I suspect it would come to nothing.
my child’s father has repeatedly mishandled medical situations and exposed him to unnecessary risk, and nobody has ever really cared, I don’t know how it works if it’s not a biological parent but the threshold for getting anyone to take that stuff seriously seems pretty high. He should definitely be protective and sensible. Stair gates, knives and meds out of reach etc, proper car seat and so on.
are you sure you guys are not being a bit paranoid about her trying to make trouble on this? Might be worth thinking about too. If she is really unstable and making allegations like that I would imagine that would be taken into account too.
other people may well know different, but in my experience there is much less care shown for children who are not treated properly than there should be, so if he does everything by the book, I think he will be okay in the end

Thank you for your reply! I might be worrying too much about this but, knowing her history with how she treated my son, I’m just being ultra cautious I suppose. Yes he does everything a good parent should do and I also help him when he has the child. I think seeing a solicitor would be a good idea along with keeping every communication in writing (text).

It's odd that you're thinking about potential harm or accidents. Most well parented children do not come to much physical harm other than the odd bump or bruise, which wouldn't raise any concerns from professionals anyway. Do you question his parenting ability ?

Good luck with it! I’ve spent 10 years going in and out of family court with my bully ex partner and I can see how mutual distrust and shit stiring lawyers have really escalated the situation. If I could do it all again, even bearing in mind he is a bully and has done some awful things, I’d work a lot harder at trying to reassure him that we are both on the same side and not sweat the small stuff so much. It’s not fair, but it probably would have made life easier. If he wants to coparent (brilliant ), then ultimately his relationship with the mother is going to be so important and she needs some kind of place in your family and to feel respected, so obviously get him to cover his back and be as sensible and grown-up as he can, but also just do what you can to take down the inflammation at every opportunity. Things can also be very difficult after a break up and take time to settle.
That’s my advice for what it’s worth!

If he’s isn’t the child’s father and safeguarding issues are raised then substantiated the child would not come to him but a family member if they could be trusted. If not then he still wouldn’t be eligible. The arrangement they have would hold no sway in family court as he has no PR.

at this point your son has no rights at all and could only act in the capacity of a concerned adult if anything were worrying him about this child.

if she is harassing him that’s a separate issue for the police.

As sad as it may be for the child and your son I am not sure this is a good idea particular based on what you’ve said about concerns she might make spurious allegations against him in relation to her child.

He is not the child’s father
that changes everything

Yeah I know, see my first post

I have no concerns whatsoever about his parenting ability as he did most of the care when they were together despite having a full time job. It’s more the concern I have about her mental state and what she could do should said child sustain an injury while in his care. She’s tried to do some heinous things to him so my concern is what might happen should the little one get an injury while playing or suchlike.

I think it'd be in your son's best interest to break all contact with his abuser.

I completely agree
@Worried21 your latest post makes it clear that’s the best course of action
i would be encouraging your son to step away from this before she acts on those impulses you worry over and your son finds himself in a very serious situation.

Sorry I didn’t see you were the author of that post.

Your son removing himself from this child’s life is a serious matter in itself, either way it’s a tricky situation, there’s no easy fix.
For what it’s worth it doesn’t make sense that he did most of the childcare whilst holding down a full-time job, how is that possible? If the child is really not being looked after to that extent, then he want to be raising concerns with social services as well.
There might be a way forward, personally I think your family needs to keep a nice calm and level head and evaluate your options carefully and avoid dramatic speculation and people jumping to conclusions.

I'd agree with the others break all contact.
As harsh as this sounds he's not the biological or adopted Father, so she could stop him visiting at any time.

He needs to think of his own future and luckily he doesn't need to be in contact with her for life.

It’s so sad to hear how quickly people are talking about giving up on this kid. Really depressing.

Come again?

Your son. In a relationship for a mere two years. Now has regular sole access to his ex girlfriends son. Overnight.

I can’t get my head around this

How old is your son?

And it also speaks to an attitude about step parents, that their bond with their step children is somehow less value/importance and more easily dropped. He may not appreciate being leaned on to do that. Maybe the mother isn’t actually a monster, maybe they can find a way, maybe it’s worth trying.

Me neither! But the mother has always palmed the child off on anyone so she can enjoy her freedom. This is one way of ensuring she has weekends to do as she pleases. I’d love to think she does it for her child but the way she’s behaved over the last couple of years I fear it’s for more selfish reasons.

29

Op

from what you’ve said, your concern is rather misplaced.

It needs to be for the actual child in this scenario rather than your grown-assed adult son.

I would be reporting my concerns to SS based on the detail you’ve provided