DD Fucked Up - what will happen?

[TheCakeDiet]

Posted in Chat here:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4757291-dd-fucked-up-what-will-happen?page=4&reply=124529300

Advised to try legal.

ON 5th March, this happened:

D (17) called me sobbing from a police car. She has fucked up and all of her own making, but what I am trying to determine is what the consequences will be.

She went to her Boyfriend's house yesterday evening. It was quite late (as she had a day off school today) so they decided to sit in his mum's car to chat rather than risk waking her up.

DD sat in drivers seat for no particular reason. They put the engine on as it was cold and DD - for reasons that she can't really explain - moved the car forward about five feet. She has a provisional license only and her boyfriend the same. Meaning not qualified OR insured to be doing that. The only reason she can give is that she has only ever driven her lesson car and wanted to 'see how it felt'.

She knocked the car in front. Small scratch.

In the meantime, a 'concerned neighbour' noticed a boy in a black hoodie (boyfriend) getting into a car that she knows belongs to blond woman) his mum - and decided to report a possible 'live' car theft. Police arrived just as they were standing oven mouthed with horror and having dinked the car.

DD owned up straight away and gave her details and boyfriend's mum was woken and said she didn't want to pursue.

Police had initially searched DD and her BF thinking they were stealing the car but BF showed them the key and pointed to his house. Because they were searched (I believe?) the police had to bring dd home. They told me they wouldn't be charging and she has no record, but they do need to 'notify DVLA that she moved the car five feet'. They have said they don't know exactly what will happen but she may get up to 6 points on her provisional license and a ban that will come into effect once she has passed her test.

We will also be contacted by Social Services.

I was really angry with DD for being so stupid. DD is hugely remorseful and very panicked. I am calmer now but still can't believe she was so stupid.

I haven't even told DH yet as he will hit the roof and I can't face the ranting that will ensue. Neither DD or I are sleeping well for worrying.

I told DD she must pay for any damage and write a letter of apology. I have also told her she will obviously now NOT get a car in the near future and we would have to wait and see what action DVLA take.

The next day I went to the police station as 'Notify DVLA' doesn't seem like a thing. You are either pushing for prosecution or you aren't. Very lovely Sergeant looked at notes taken at scene and pretty much confirmed what DD told me, but added "It looks like the officer has submitted a report, so you we will just have to wait and see if they decide to prosecute." He added that he personally, would not have done this based on what happened, but it is done now. He inferred that it was 50/50 whether they would take it any further but now in the hands of the motoring team. He also indicated that they had two weeks to notify DD of an intention to prosecute.

What I really want to know is:
How likely they are to pursue this?
And if the two weeks thing is accurate? Lots of people on the other thread saying six months?

And if she pleads guilty - what are the consequences and how long do they last?

On one hand I am find that she has had a scare and there are going to be consequences (paying for damage, worrying about being banned etc). but on the other hand DD, is already struggling. She is on low dose medication for suspected BPD, has huge anxiety, history of self-harm and depression and is spiralling about this. She also has A levels in a few weeks so things are pretty bad for her. Knowing what to expect will be helpful in managing her mental health so I'd be grateful for any legal insight. Thank you so much.

To be honest op it isn't a massive fuck up. I took my moms boyfriends car when I was 17 and ended up putting it into the side of someone's house, now that is fucking up. Because he didn't press charges nothing happened, luckily. My mum went absolutely apeshit though. I also got the 'you might not get a driving license, points if you do etc' off police - didn't happen.

The points will stay on her licence for 3 years, and be valid for 4 (which means if she commits another motoring offence before the end of the 4th year, they can be taken into account in prosecuting for the second offence.

For insurance purposes you would be asked to declare anything from the last 5 years. She is 17 now. By the time she is 23 this will all be behind her. I didn't even pass my driving test til I was 25, and lots of other people are the same. It's a mistake, but it's absolutely not the end of the world.

Your language is really inflammatory so I'm d work on changing that as she will feed off your response

Honestly this is a nothing. Worthy of a bollicking but no more. It was silly what she did but that's about it

Just calm down a bit

OP, you’re catastrophising. And your DD needs to tell her DF what has happened. Keeping secrets is never going to end well. How would you explain her not being able to get car insurance or actually sit her test of the police decide to fine her? You need to chill out.

How are both treating her so utterly awfully? Fucking hell. The girl has signficant mental health problems and you’re in there acting like she’s drunk driven and hit someone,were really angry, bullying her with threats, neither of you can sleep due to your abusive angry husband

good god. She made a silly mistake. Rest easy Voldemort.

DH is at CPS. His view is police have to pass it to traffic. Traffic unlikely to take it further. If it passed a prosecutor’s desk (wouldn’t usually), they wouldn’t take any action. If it is prosecuted, she should reference very short distance and no damage. He’d be very surprised to see anything other than complete discharge.

Surely for something like this would it have even been worth the time of the officer and the paperwork involved ect, ?

It was an error in judgement. She hasn't fucked up. You need to be careful with your narrative. She can and she will make mistakes and this is perfectly normal. Are you expecting your daughter to be perfect? This narrative is hugely damaging, especially to girls who are taught not you make mistakes or take risks.

You need to really look deep OP and question your response to this.

Whenever I've ever taken out insurance, for previous claims they just ask if it's fault or non fault and the date. But no claim is being made, according to op. They don't ask for accidents, they ask for claims. Otherwise you'd have every minor car park bump being disclosed even though nobody made any claims. If the police take any action that would be disclosable too but if not then the insurance company won't be interested.

No legal knowledge about this, but I just want to endorse what CrapBucket said. In your shoes I would be doing everything in my power to make your dd see this as an unfortunate blip. She can't do anything to influence the outcome now so it's really not worth thinking about. She needs to focus on her exams.

I'm sure I'm not the only person who, as a teenager, gave in to the temptation to 'just turn the car key and inch forward a few feet...'. My dad used to leave his car in gear so I banged it against the garage wall first time I did it 🙄.

However anxious you may feel, you need to avoid transmitting this to your dd. Not easy I know. I've done my share of screaming internally whilst telling distraught dcs that failing their exams, picking up points for speeding etc is not the end of the world and doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

Your dh on the other hand does sound like a problem.

What is the point of spending weeks worrying about something that might not even happen especially when she has exams coming up . I bet they were just trying to make her think and won’t take it any further , but even if they do tackle it then and try and put this in perspective . Try and reassure her .

How is crashing a car with no insurance and no license a ‘blip’.

There seems to be very little consideration for the other car driver who has been hit by an uninsured driver.

Also, massively concerning that if she really was just pulling forward a few feet, she managed to hit another car. Perhaps she should be banned from driving for a while..

I used to work at CPS. There are hoops to jump through and criteria to meet before deciding to prosecute and I doubt very very much that it would be worth their while in this case given how minor it is and how stretched they are.

Of course no guarantees but I really don't think they would prosecute. It was a silly mistake by a teenager. My DD could easily have done the same thing. Please tell your DD not to stress but that's easier said than done I know.

All of this. She's made a silly mistake, quite typical of a hare-brained teenager. She won't learn or gain anything from making an enormous meal out of it when she's got exams coming up. She's obviously had a huge fright, bless her.

And ignore the posters who are out for blood and catastrophising, they're a perennial feature of MN. She didn't "crash the car" ffs, she wasn't joyriding and she hasn't hurt anybody.

Thank you all. We will have to wait and see, but it's good to have a clearer understanding.

To everyone judging my parent/catastrophizing: Walk a mile and all that... You have no idea about the dynamics of our household or why things might be the way they are. DD has some MH struggles as does her DDad. Me and her DB do not. That's 50% of the household who can't process things as easily as most. It can be quite hard to navigate and things that might be 'easy' in your family are not necessarily so in ours. So yes, I do worry more than some of you may have to and I do have to balance the consequences of words and actions and impact down the line, because there are two people out of four in our house that don't necessarily respond rationally or healthily to difficult situations. Both and taking steps to get better at this, but there we are.

But anyway.

Thank you especially to police and police family on this thread. I really appreciate your words and experience.

OP - you say that 2 out of 4 people in your family (DD and DH) don't respond rationally to things.

Your dd succumbed to a perfectly understandable (imo) urge to turn a car on and move it slightly - with unanticipated consequences. You say that she called you from the police station sobbing and very distressed. Your reaction was to be 'really angry with DD for being so stupid'. I'd suggest there might be 3 people in your family who don't respond rationally to things. Your prime concern should have been to console your dd and not exacerbate her already troubled state of mind.

In the moment it may feel like a fuck up but in time she will realise it’s not that bad.

my friend went through a red light just after she passed her test (bad judgement) and was distraught at the time as she ended up with points. But now, she’s learned a hard lesson (it was a left turn, no one else about, she just miss timed it). All done.

I wonder if your DD’s anxiety is linked to your DH’s behaviour. One to consider.

because there are two people out of four in our house that don't necessarily respond rationally or healthily to difficult situations

Well you certainly don't. Your reaction here is way out of proportion and goes a long way to showing why your daughter is so anxious.

Op I mean this gently now, but you did not respond rationally or in a healthy manner, you reacted in an extreme caresrophising punitive and verging on abusive manner.

she drove it five feet and it got a scratch it’s irrelevant. A minor oops.

you were extremely angry with her, have given her sanctions, told her she’s not getting a car now, and the poor girl can’t sleep as she doesn’t know how her even angrier father will behave.

I don’t know how you can’t see it. Your reaction is extremely unhealthy and it appears you are unable to rationalise or control.

in my house I’d have said oops that’s not smart.and tried to help or guide her if required.

you went on the attack and blew something minor into something so extreme and it’s thought her father will be worse.

your daughter is struggling. Her home environment cannot be helping with that if her parents are so volatile like this over minor shit.

but to be clear, your behaviour is neither rationale, healthy, or appropriate to the situation.

I’d also add op. You owe her an apology. You can’t treat people like this. You need to apologise for your out of control behaviour and reaction and you need to work out a way to support her. You and your husband.

and you and your husband need to get help to manage your behaviour.

OP, I have a DD too. Mine, like yours, would have been so frightened! And one thing I will fight with all my might is my child being scared. Of anything or anyone.
It’s only a silly teenagery lapse of judgment. I wouldn’t be too hung up about it. Teach her how to solve things like this in the future.

By BPD do you mean bipolar or borderline personality? Is she medicated? If it affects her judgement when driving probably best to get her stable (meds or otherwise) before she drives any more.

Valid point

Op you really need to calm down , yes she did a daft thing but ffs nobody was hurt and it’s a small scratch . She’s had a hell of a scare and yes I’d be fuming but not sleeping for worry etc is ott . I can’t comment about prosecutions as ive no idea but you deal with it as and when it happens
she pays for thx damage and she deals with the consequences of if she will or won’t be prosecuted. But all this drama of acting like she’s about to spend 20 years in prison is hysterical. She’s a daft kid who didn’t think it shouldn’t define her .
hopefully she will learn from this but she shouldn’t be punished indefinitely.

Totally agree