Parental responsibility- advice needed please :(

[Neonjelly]

Apologies in advance for a long post but I would so so appreciate some advice, I’m really worried about the future safety of my kids and don’t know what to do for the best :(

My two boys (7 and 10) have not seen their biological father for 5 years. For 4 years, we have had a court order that states they live with me only and he is not allowed to know our address. There are also prohibited steps included such as not being allowed within 100m of their school. Cafcass could not condone any contact (direct/indirect), he has a hideous criminal history relating to drugs and violence, even sexual violence (indecent assault on a minor - found that one out in court…) and I’m sure you can imagine what my 6 year relationship with this monster was like. (In case you were wondering why didn’t I go to the police, I was way too scared during the relationship and by the time I was brave enough to report it after, it was too late. He was questioned over controlling and coercive behaviour, rape and assault by strangulation, but CPS said there was not enough evidence to charge him, as it was historical. So yep, he’s walking free and doing the same to other women)

Anyway, we are away from that life now, luckily I managed to escape and I’m just so thankful that the judge could see him for what he is and that ultimately my boys are safe 🙏🏻 today I got some advice from a family lawyer as I’ve been wondering recently about parental responsibility. I understand that as his name is on their birth certificates, he will still have PR regardless of the fact he has nothing to do with them. I was told today that I would need to ask him for permission to remove his PR (obviously he’ll say no) and then the next step is to apply to the court, but even then it’s super super rare for them to remove it. A problem with me applying to the court is that we moved a long way away from him just to feel a bit safer, and if a hearing was to take place it would be at our local court- which would then allow him to find out the area we have moved to. Which is one of my worst fears.

Removing his PR has to be the first step because then following that, I want to apply to the court to share PR with my partner and I want to change my boys’ surnames from their bio dad’s to their soon to be step dad (once we’re married). If my ex still has PR, it would mean asking his permission to change their surname and for my partner to have PR, both of which would be a big fat no just to spite me, and both of which would mean disclosing personal details such as my partner’s name and I’m just not comfortable with that.

If I was to die, I’m assuming that wouldn’t mean my boys would automatically go to him as the only remaining person with PR, seeing as there is a court order for a reason. But I also know that without my partner having PR, it could make things very tricky. I’d like to think all 3 kids (my partner and I have one together) would never be separated but I want to legally ensure that our family wouldn’t be torn apart if anything happened to me.

It feels like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place here. Either I do nothing and my ex continues to have PR, and we have to just hope he doesn’t try for a child arrangement order again, all the while my poor boys having a surname they hate and that is linked to someone they don’t even regard as their dad, plus the person who has actually been in their life as a father figure to them for the past 5 years wouldn’t actually have any legal responsibilities for them…
Or I go down the route of trying to remove his PR, and by doing so potentially open a massive can of worms (might put ideas in his head about trying to see them again) and also potentially he could find out where we have moved to etc etc.. which terrifies me because he is the most evil, unpredictable guy you could imagine and it makes my blood run cold thinking what he might do if he managed to track us down.

Sorry this is such a long post but I’d appreciate any advice from people who have been in this position before, or would just be interested to know what you think is best from an outsiders point of view. Thanks

Hi Neonjelly, I have no knowledge in this area but wanted to say hang in there, someone with some expertise/experience will be along soon. Well done you for making a life for yourself and your kids after what must've been a horrible experience,

Thank you so much, I really appreciate that ❤️

Unless you marry your partner or enter into a civil partnership with him, you cannot give him PR. If you do marry him or enter into a civil partnership with him, he may be able to get a court order giving him PR even if your ex still has PR.

There is nothing you can do that will legally guarantee what happens if you die. However, if your ex wanted the children and your partner refused to hand them over, your ex would have to go to court. The court would look at what is in your children's best interests. Based on what you have written, I don't give much for your ex's chances in this situation.

Removing your ex's PR, even if it were possible, would not prevent him applying for a Child Arrangements Order.

My advice, as a family lawyer, is not to "poke the bear" if this man is as bad as he sounds. He won't have his PR revoked, it's uncommonly rare. I have only had one success with that ever, when dad was in prison for a high profile murder.
If you and your partner are married, I would suggest that your children keep their legal surname but are "known as" New Surname - this would be acceptable for everything except for passport and bank account, and then when they are 18 they can change it by deed poll if they like. Or they could be 'known as' your maiden name.
As to guardianship in the event of your death, make sure your partner is named in your will as their guardian. No, it won't be immediately effective if their dad remains living, BUT it is a clear indication of your wishes and your partner could make a swift application to court for a child arrangements order that the children live with him, this would be looked at in accordance with the children's best interests and such an order would then grant him PR.

Thanks for your reply, much appreciated. On the court order it says “no person may cause the child to be known by a different surname unless that person has the written consent of everyone with parental responsibility or leave of the court.” And so I don’t think I can even ask their school for them to be ‘known as’ a new surname 😟
I received the following legal advice today but it seems too good to be true - would love to get another opinion on it. I was told that myself and partner could sign a parental responsibility agreement form and file it at the court where the original proceedings were held. This would then give my partner PR and my ex wouldn’t know about it. I was also told that I could apply for a specific issue order but leave out the respondent details and explain on the form the reasons why I’m applying and why I can’t have my ex know about it, which is ultimately a safeguarding issue.
All seems a bit too good to be true though?
I’m literally just trying to keep my children safe, nothing more than that. I think it’s crazy that he still has all this power and control even though he’s not been in our lives for 5 years now. Why on earth should he get a say in anything that happens??

As you said above, don’t poke the bear. I fully agree with this and sending him a letter from a solicitor is not an option. Nor is applying to court it seems (the usual way, whereby he would be served notice). The only way forward is if a judge will give us permission WITHOUT him knowing. There’s got to be a way ☹️

That advice is wrong. If something seems to good to be true, it probably isn't true.

You aren't married to your partner or in a civil partnership with him so you can't give him parental responsibility. Even if you were married or in a civil partnership, a parental responsibility agreement must be signed by everyone who has parental responsibility.

For parental responsibility, your partner needs a Parental Responsibility Order, not a Specific Issue Order. But again, he won't get one unless you are married or in a civil partnership. And your ex will have to be informed.