Changing existing child arrangements order-harassing ex

[Edamamebean2517]

Hello everyone,

I was wondering if any of you had any advice or if you could share your experience if this is something similar to your own experience?

I've been separated from my ex for 3 years, we have a DD aged 6. I haven't seen him in 2 years due to his behaviour in front of our DD.

I got a child arrangements order in place 2 years ago as he was complaining that he didn't see DD enough but failed to make the effort himself. He was also making arrangements very difficult. He would not answer to my texts asking him for his availability for DD, instead he'd bombard me with texts, emails and even letters about how awful I am to break up the family (I gave up trying to get him to see how his behaviour was the reason for this. I needed to get myself and our DD out of the abusive home).

I tried everything women's aid and the police suggested...separate email that I only checked every now and then, a notebook to be passed between us which he scribbled abuse in, things like that, he just wasn't doing the right thing.

Therefore, I needed a child arrangements order and input from CAFCASS. CAFCASS and the courts agreed that he should have DD every other weekend term time and the handovers must be with the school only. Unfortunately, I've tried a few third party options and he is awful to whoever does the handover with him. Not great for DD and not great for my family member or friend who has offered to do the handovers for me. The school was the last option as he has behaved with the handovers there consistently.

This has been the arrangement for 2 years now. He's consistent and we both follow the order. DD loves spending time with him and she tells me about the fun things they do.

The problem is, the emergency contact are my parents (as advised by women's aid and CAFCASS). Over the past year, usually before midnight on his weekends when DD must be asleep at his house, he has been harassing my parents by text and voicemail, knowing that they must unblock him and have their phone on in case of an emergency with DD (emergency being needing to go to hospital or car breakdown and not being able to get her to school, things like that. It's not happened yet but they need to have their phone on in case it happens).
I've offered to take the emergency contact back to being me but he was awful. He'd be worse with me than he is with them.

DD loves spending time with him and I'd hate for her to lose that part of her life. He's so important to her. I'm confident he is only like this to my parents. I would honestly notice if he had been saying bad things to DD about me or making things negative for her. For her sake, I'd want them to remain having their contact. It would honestly be damaging for her and CAFCASS have already advised she should be having the contact with him as he isn't directing his abuse to her. Just to my parents via text and voicemail while she's asleep.

I was thinking of amending the existing child arrangements order, but I don't see any options on how to change it. My parents need to have their phone on in case of emergencies with DD. I can use a different third party, but, as before, he will do the same to them as he is doing to my parents.

Is there something obvious I just haven't realised yet?
I guess maybe I could get it changed so that contact stops until he stops harassing the emergency contact? Not sure if that's allowed though as DD will be affected.
I've just sat here typing away and remembered the non-molestation order option. Perhaps this? Do you think it can stipulate that emergency contact is to remain open with my parents during his weekends with DD unless he harasses them/tries communicating with them in a non-emergency way?
Or are non-molestation orders only for no contact at all?

Thanks so much for reading!

why not get a parenting app and tell him he can only communicate with your parents via the app. It will log abusive messages.

Then they can block him.

I don't know and you would probably need Solicitor advice but if the emergency contact arrangements is defined in the court order I would take it back to court as a breach of the contact order

perhaps have their simcard and number in a cheap PAYG phone and they get a new number. You can then be in contact with him via text and he won't know the difference?

Thank you. Really helpful tips :)
The parenting app option, I didn't mention before. My parents suggested this to him and he refused to download the app.
I suppose that will help my case though. How unwilling he is to do these things properly.

Friend in similar situation -

I’ve often wondered if there’s a market for this as a third party go between - but then someone would have to pay for it.

This is so shit. So they have to endure abuse just so contact continues! That's ludicrous, they are enabling his atrocious behaviour. I also suggest a chat with a solicitor

Family court enables abusers to continue to abuse all the time, unfortunately. The system is rotten.

Make sure your parents keep every message, call logs etc. Then I’d go straight back to court for an adjustment, you can’t reason with these arseholes

Is it worth telling school what is happening and asking them for advice?

They know you, him and your daughter. They are neutral in this and have your daughters best interests at heart.

Plus you know that he behaves for them so they might be able to succeed with eg asking him to download the app where you haven’t been able to.

if he is sending them abusive texts / voicemails, can they speak to the police about harassment? In reality, do they really need to keep their phones on overnight? The chances of your DD needing to be admitted to hospital in an emergency overnight whilst at his house is surely so small as to be negligible? If I were them, I would turn my phone onto silent between, say, 10pm and 6am.

They should report him to the police for harassment as should the other go betweens.
When everyone refuses to deal with him he can explain to a court why you had to stop contact. Your dd needs a well balanced mh - wise dm more than she needs a cunt in her life.

The court can order a parenting app as means of communication, also if you have evidence of his abuse by the current form of communication then that’s what the court wants to see, also grey rock him, and responses be one line only if it involves the child, if he’s being abusive to your family and it not be anything to do with your child hang up. He’s being an idiot being abusive

I also have a third party that does the drop off, it’s hard not to engage when they are being abusive but you hold the power to your reaction, I think if it’s affecting your family it’s time to take the communication back, also the police would take the issue seriously as it’s malicious communication and harassment plus you have loads of evidence