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Original poster

Relationship With / Marrying her once stepfather

20 replies

Shockedfather · 04/02/2023 13:13

Ok so I'm out of advice or where to turn. I warn this is a shocking question I need advice on.

I'm going to change people's names for legal reasons but here is the situation

Lisa has two children, a boy and a girl we will call Kerry, and marries Andy. Andy brings up the children as legal stepdad for three-and-a-half years before he separates from Lisa and eventually they divorce.

20 years later Andy re-enters Lisa's life and starts an intimate relationship with the now 24-year old Kerry 😯

I now understand they are engaged or they have just married. Obviously Andy was sole caregiver as a parent but he is not blood related to Kerry and Kerry is now over 18.

Kerry is registered disabled and has mental, learning and physical disabilities and therefore her mum is her legal guardian. Which boils our families blood as to why she could even consider this😷

Is they not a recent law that was supposed to stop caregivers having any kind of physical relationship with the person they cared for or does that stop at 18yo?

Is it just best to call 101?

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 04/02/2023 13:14

As an adult I don't think anything can be done unless they are not mentally competent?

Personally I think its disgusting

ZeroFuchsGiven · 04/02/2023 13:15

Obviously Andy was sole caregiver

Why was he sole caregiver? where was her mum for 3 and a half years?

forgettingtoremember · 04/02/2023 13:21

I'd be more worried about Kerry being a vulnerable adult who doesn't have the capacity to consent to this type of relationship. The stepfather father thing is icky certainly, but not illegal.

TinfoilTangerine · 04/02/2023 13:38

Is this in the UK?
If so Andy can't marry Kerry - it wouldn't be a valid marriage and if it has already happened could be annulled. Sadly, that doesn't stop Andy having a relationship with Kerry e.g living with her.

Original poster
Shockedfather · 04/02/2023 13:41

Sorry I misquoted I meant that as her stepfather he was a primary care giver.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shockedfather · 04/02/2023 13:43

Which we believe to be true as her mum has legal guardianship over all her legal, care and financial matters.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shockedfather · 04/02/2023 13:45

Yes it's in the u.k. I'm going to hand it to the local authority social services team as they have been in and out of their lives throughout the last twenty years

OP posts:
Keepyourmummysboys · 04/02/2023 13:47

Why was he the primary care giver for his wife’s kid, where was the mum?

coldcoffee12 · 04/02/2023 13:47

This happened with my Aunty and her step dad. At first I thought it was actually about them.

Kerry is vulnerable and needs counselling. The step dad now lover is a predator. Id be looking to see if there is any chance of historic sexual abuse

forgettingtoremember · 04/02/2023 13:48

TinfoilTangerine · 04/02/2023 13:38

Is this in the UK?
If so Andy can't marry Kerry - it wouldn't be a valid marriage and if it has already happened could be annulled. Sadly, that doesn't stop Andy having a relationship with Kerry e.g living with her.

Why is that? (I'm curious).
OP when you say he was her legal stepdad what do you mean? Did he adopt her?
And does she have capacity to understand and enter into an adult relationship?

prh47bridge · 04/02/2023 13:49

The posts saying the marriage is legal are wrong. Under the Marriage (Prohibited Degrees of Relationship) Act 1986, a man can only marry the daughter of a former spouse if they are both over 21 and the daughter was not a child of the family before she was 18. In this case, Kerry was clearly a child of the family in relation to Andy when she was very young - under 4 if I understand correctly. Any marriage or civil partnership between her and Andy is therefore void. If they have not declared the fact that she was a child of the family in relation to Andy when she was young, they have committed perjury.

However, this does not prevent them having a physical relationship. The law regarding care givers prevents a family member such as a step-parent engaging in sexual activity with child. As she is legally no longer a child, that protection does not extend to her.

TinfoilTangerine · 04/02/2023 13:51

Because you can't legally marry close relatives and a stepparent who has been married to the child's parent whilst the child was under 18 counts legally as a close relative. It’s to prevent grooming and abuse.

Original poster
Shockedfather · 04/02/2023 13:54

That's a question I want to have with mum but we are estranged over their many dysfunctional decision. He performed all dad duties with those kids for three years. I personally as well as our family are dumbfounded as to how he could now have intimate feelings for her. It makes me sick.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 04/02/2023 14:03

The issue is kerry is vulnerable adukt
Repirt to adult ss for safeguarding

Mum has legal status only if she has gone thru court of protection if kerry lacks capacty
Does kerry haVe mental capacity or not?
If she able to maintain a physical relationship snd understands wgat this is then she may have capacity . People with lds can have relationships. But is he exploiting ?

Original poster
Shockedfather · 04/02/2023 14:22

Joint primary care giver. I meant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shockedfather · 04/02/2023 14:24

No we don't think he adopted but he was married to their mum so thought legally he was stepdad.

Passed to vulnerable adult social services team.

OP posts:
prh47bridge · 04/02/2023 14:29

Shockedfather · 04/02/2023 14:24

No we don't think he adopted but he was married to their mum so thought legally he was stepdad.

Passed to vulnerable adult social services team.

Yes, he was Kerry's stepfather as he was married to Kerry's mother. Adoption is irrelevant. And, as Kerry was less than 18 at the time, he cannot legally marry her.

forgettingtoremember · 04/02/2023 15:59

prh47bridge · 04/02/2023 13:49

The posts saying the marriage is legal are wrong. Under the Marriage (Prohibited Degrees of Relationship) Act 1986, a man can only marry the daughter of a former spouse if they are both over 21 and the daughter was not a child of the family before she was 18. In this case, Kerry was clearly a child of the family in relation to Andy when she was very young - under 4 if I understand correctly. Any marriage or civil partnership between her and Andy is therefore void. If they have not declared the fact that she was a child of the family in relation to Andy when she was young, they have committed perjury.

However, this does not prevent them having a physical relationship. The law regarding care givers prevents a family member such as a step-parent engaging in sexual activity with child. As she is legally no longer a child, that protection does not extend to her.

Gosh I didn't know this but I does make sense.
I assume they don't have the same laws in the US??

prh47bridge · 04/02/2023 16:15

forgettingtoremember · 04/02/2023 15:59

Gosh I didn't know this but I does make sense.
I assume they don't have the same laws in the US??

Show quote history

The laws vary from state to state. Some have this prohibition, some go even further, prohibiting any sexual relationship between a stepparent and stepchild, others have no prohibition at all.

mamnotmum · 04/02/2023 21:08

Not legal in the UK.

You can marry an 'ex' stepparent if they never lived with you when you were a child. If she's 24 and he hasn't been in her life for 20 years she was therefore a baby/toddler so it is not legal.

Go to the register office and ask to lodge an objection to the marriage on the grounds of the step relationship and also her capacity to marry. If they have already married then he has broken the law and can be reported to the police.

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