Child Access

[JJONES1]

Hi,
I need some advice please.
I have been separated from my children's father for 2 years in which time we have had a routine of the kids are with me for 4 nights and with him for 3.
It has always been that the kids are with me on a Sunday night so that I can get them ready for school on the Monday
I recently applied for maintenance which was granted. But he thinks it should be on a more 50/50 basis so that he can reduce the payment that he has to make and has now TOLD me that they will stay with him every other Sunday night and there's nothing that I can do about it.
Is this really the case or can I refuse this request?

You can refuse the request, but he could simply not return them on alternate Sundays unless there is a court order in place.

Yes, it's sad that he's making that decision for CM reasons

But as he's their father and you've no child contact arrangement in place , he can simply not return the DCs.

If you earn less than him and you are married you can arrange CM through courts but through cMS if it's 50:50 it's far more difficult.

Is he a good Dad? Can you work something out together? Good parents want their children to be supported whoever's house they are sleeping in. If he has them 50:50 he has to pay for them including school trips uniform costs clothes all expenses half and half ...

And any childcare...
so often they aren't cheaper to have 50:50 as I don't know any child expenses that are greater than actual real life costs..!!!

I meant you pay equal share...sounds like Hess volunteering for that. *rubs hands as a mum... cos is far rather my ex had paid equal share and was equally responsible for all of their costs ...!

Whoops I meant I don't know any child maintenance^ arrangements that are cheaper than their actual RL costs !

You might want to point out to him that if he takes Sunday night he needs to provide everything on Monday. Uniform, lunch, transport to and from school, before and after school care, cover child care for any school holidays, and be on call for child illness. He shouldn’t get to just drop
them on your doorstep Monday morning.

I was going to write more-or-less what @Ponderingwindow just posted.

Only, I wouldn't be saying it, I'd be letting him discover the consequences on his actions.

Oh yes. Fair enough to just let him deal with the fallout. The key is to stand firm on what the change actually means.

the whole point of the reduction in maintenance is that he is taking on the actual costs of the shift. A sleepover is cheap. It’s the daytime that costs money.

No, you just keep them on Friday after school and not let them go again until he goes to court for access

Where you can agree in court what to do

Do you receive the child benefits and other benefits if applicable?
If he's a good dad and goes to work etc then I would allow 50/50 if that's what he wants and here's why...
Child maintenance can be a struggle financially and while I do agree that if he can afford it then he should pay without quibble, but if not then I'd be prepared for him to apply to receive part of the child benefit (if you have two children or more) and his child maintenance wouldn't increase but you'd not be getting all of the child benefit (and/or benefits) iyswim.
That's how it worked out for my friend in a similar situation to you.
The top and bottom was that the dad could hardly afford to live, his house was in disrepair despite his full time job and very little outgoings apart from mortgage, it the mum was still chasing him for more money. If you can afford financially to allow the 50/50 and forego the extra child benefit; that's the best option imo before it becomes solely 'about the money'.

He has them literally just one night less than you. I think you are being unreasonable and 50/50 is correct

How to appear unreasonable in one easy lesson.

50/50 doesn’t suit lots of families as Dc get older. Do not fight over children by stopping them seeing dad. Explain why 6/14 works. Often it’s 5/14 that’s agreed by courts. So he’s already up on that. Explain about school and how important continuity is for Dc. It’s far more important that Dc get a stable arrangement and are not argued over. It’s about what’s best for them. Not him.

It's interesting a lot of comments focus on Dad wanting to change the arrangement to reduce his payments.... your arrangement is so close to 50/50 anyway. And the flip side of the discussion could be that you are inflexible over the Sunday night to maintain a payment. Although the CMS will tell you it's about number of nights, and have you believe that's what dictates if CM is due.... this is incorrect. There is a law regarding shared care. So regardless of whether the children come back to you on a Sunday night, if your ex can evidence that he is providing the same level of day to day care as you he could potentially apply for this via the tribunal process and no CM would be awarded to yourself.

Is it even wrong for a dad to want to reduce CMS payments by having an extra night if that extra night is very expensive.

Maybe he needs the money there’s a cost of living crisis and he has the added bonus of having his child an additional night.

When my ex wanted our dd 50/50 (which was also strangely enough, after he found out how he'd have to pay in maint). We agreed this, one week on, one week off, but I also insisted that he had to buy her a weeks worth of school uniforms, shoes, pe kit, casual clothes, pay 50% for all activities etc. which did make quite an impact on my spending.

What does he pay for currently?

To look at it another way, outside of any safeguarding concerns if there are any (which I assume not as otherwise you wouldn't be happy for them to go 40% of the time) what is your objection to him having them 50/50?

Why is 50/50 the holy grail? It frequently doesn’t work for school age Dc with commitments and a need for a continuity.

Because both parents matter and 50/50 is evidenced in Scandinavian countries and in academic literature to produce the best outcome for children.

For every study that says living predominantly with one parent is best there is another that says equal time with each parent and happy relationships all around are best. If you have the kid the same amount of time as their other parent there can surely be less resentment etc-as ling as the parents make it work right. Ie one can't just move 50 miles away or whatever.

It's what seems to work best within my peer group that are separated and just about for me (through I have the DD's a tiny bit more than their Dad just due to his work). Problems set in as far as I can see when one parent thinks they own the kids or have more rights or say so over them. There is no reason I can see (outside of safeguarding issues) that that should ever be the case as a starting point though of course every separation is nuanced.

The big issue is usually that one parent works full time. They don’t have the time for childcare in the same way as a parent working part time. They cobble together childcare arrangements that are not consistent and then 5/14 becomes pretty standard as it’s workable.

50/50 where one parent struggles and send Dc into childcare isn’t a great solution. In fact judges are not that keen either. For this reason many parents never start out at 50/50 and don’t want it. It’s simply not practical. A parent might need to leave home at 7 in the morning and get back at 7 at night. They prefer weekends plus a day. The posters here don’t have this type of work and will probably reduce career prospects to get 50/50. Loads of other parents don’t do that and work the hours they need to. They actually need the money!