Ex has requested big increase in contact

[Swiftylala]

I received a devastating letter yesterday and I've been awake for the last few hours with panicky feelings about it. It's from my ex's solicitor asking to have our daughter 50/50. He currently has her every other weekend under a court order that is around 4 years old. I an the 'primary carer' as they call it.

He was emotionally and financially abusive but there no proof of this (so no legal aid) and has harassed me on occasion since we split up 6 years ago. I can't tell you how devastated I was about the increase from 1 night to 3 that the court put in place. I honestly can't cope with any longer away from my daughter. We are very very close. I'm a single mum and have no help from family.

Does anyone have experience of this? I'm waiting for a call from my solicitor which I can barely afford. And please I'm needing comforting words not scare stories.

I'd let him take you to court. I don't imagine he'll get very far, unless your DD wants more contact. This is not a case of two separating parents who both currently see their children every day and he hasn't shown that much commitment to his child to date. I can't see a court viewing it as in your DD's best interests for him suddenly to turn up and upset her day-to-day life. He'd do better to build up to it gradually by getting more involved in her life now he lives locally.

Thank you so much for this @beachcitygirl and to @TellMeWhere . I may not have highlighted loudly that he is abusive but it was there in black and white as you saw. That is the main reason I find it so hard for her to be with him and she has her own struggles with his controlling behaviour, which I won't go into here. The courts have heard plenty already.

Just knowing that it's very unlikely a big change would happen quickly is reassuring. You've really helped, thank you.

beachcitygirl, I would assume if he was terribly abusive man he would be too self centred to look after daughter and she would notice and not want to spend time with him.

Children aren’t stupid they will know abusive behaviour and stay away from it. I had this with my dad it was clear he was an angry person and I spent a lot of time in my bedroom. I wouldn’t have volunteered to spend more time with him.

He is actually a lot better now and I worry about him getting angry with my children but he has mellowed and a good grandad now. So people can change.

@beachcitygirl when I said don’t refuse mediation I hadn’t accused op of doing that or yourself for advising her that. But there are people on this thread telling her to ignore him and let him drag her to court which will cost him £££( so implication there he might not bother). I was advising her to ignore that advice. Not because I think he’s a great dad who deserves to see his kid but because if he can show in court that she’s not engaged in mediation and ignored all his correspondence then she will come off much worse. Judges want to see that your tried to sort your stuff out as best you can before reaching court.

The first thing is, don't panic.

My ex did the same, demanded 50:50 until he realised he couldn't choose which 50%, and he had to do 50% of school runs, 50% of D&V bug, 50% of head lice and uniform shopping and organising babysitters, and not going to the pub when he wanted. 50% of helping with homework and dropping ds off for a school trip at 5.30am.

And then he found that I wouldn't swap or come running whenever he was late.
or wanted to change or had cocked something up. His 50:50 lasted exactly one week. 😀

So stay calm, ask your dd if she wants to go to her dad's. If she does, let her go but DO NOT HELP HIM. Fix the days then leave him to it. He needs to deal with every aspect of it himself.

It will only last if he's a decent dad, and if he is, and your dd is happy, well, enjoy a little free time.

I think the courts will ask for evidence of why this change would be beneficial to your daughter. If she is in a happy settled routine then why change? Your ex's whim and personal circumstances aren't really enough. And it's not fair to uproot her on his say so. That said courts do seem very much in favour of 50/50 as a starting point these days. I don't think you should worry too much yet, cross the bridge when you come to it. As pp said the reality of 50/50 might not be all it's cracked up to be for him.

Where in this does she advise blocking contact 🤔

My ex was having our daughter one night a week and on the run up to the divorce settlement he applied to court for 50/50. i the same as you completely panicked. Our daughter was 5 at the time. We both live roughly the same distance from the school.

once we got to court he changed his mind, not completely but just wanted nearly equal but not quite. When you write your position statement if it goes to court keep it very child focused, concentrate on that 50/50 at this point would be such a big change for your daughter and she is still so young. However you must look like you are being somewhat open and flexible to different suggestions. Also if the time is split you are looking at having to communicate way more to be able to co parent, the court often suggest a parenting app if parents are not on good terms, the court will consider what working pattern you both have too, there is a checklist on Google which the court use to help come to a decision. Remain calm and start looking at examples of position statements and how to get your reasons across but being child focused for example “the applicants business is 200 miles away, I worry this would mean instability for our daughter” or something like that!

feel free to PM, im due back in court soon as the ex keeps breaching the order that he wanted!, I just represent myself which sounds scary but really you are the expert when it comes to your little one

Who in their right mind thinks 50/50 contact is normal for a child at aged 8.. I certainly wouldn't want my life uprooted half the week just hecause dad's relationship has broken down

I think you've had some useful advice here. I tend to agree that blocking for the sake of it isn't a good idea, but it is perfectly reasonable to make sure that the 50/50 he wants is laid out and/or to negotiate something different. Your solicitor can probably advise on whether to do that via a response to his solicitor, or to push for mediation or whatever.

However you do it, I'd think about whether, for example, you're willing to facilitate an extra day at him and if so, what that would look like eg "I suggest we build up to increased care, starting with Wednesday nights at yours. On that basis, you would be responsible for after school collection and care, dinner, bed, breakfast and ensuring she is at school time with a packed lunch or lunch organised and paid for at school...." and so on.

Is he thinking that he'll reduce child support and just get a childminder to have her (at times when you could have her)?

There is no doubt that a lot of men use increased care as a form of control. Also that a lot of them think increased care just means more time hanging out and doing fun disney dad stuff without thinking about the reality of cooking, cleaning, washing, clubs etc. So whatever you offer him, you should be completely clear on what is included. If he wants her an extra day during the school week, what does that mean for uniforms, school lunches, after school clubs, play dates etc....

I posted before I finished writing.

eg ex BIL doesn't understand why SIL isn't available during his contact times. He thinks his contact time is for him to "hang out" and resents it if he also has to prepare a meal, bath a child, take a child to an event etc. So if your ex is like that, you need to lay it out very clearly that you won't be taking on all the parenting while he just has a fun sleepover. Bed times might be something to tae into account. And whether you can cancel the arragement if he doesn't live up to his side of the bargain.

I meant @beachcitygirl and @Nearlyalldone. But I do appreciate everyone expressing their views. Thank you everyone. Time for an early night soon.

@MsMarch the new nickname might be Disney Dad 🙂

@Swiftylala
As my DD is a family barrister, I know the “standard” arrangement for many is 5/14 with dad. You are at 3/14 I think so another 2 days might be ordered. That’s often considered workable snd reasonable for school age DC. However suitability of dad to do this is an important consideration for welfare of DD. It’s not about him.

50/50 is far more onerous and working men usually realise it’s not possible. So don’t completely rule out 5/14. Unless DD is very up for 50/50 (after she understands what that really means), he is unlikely to get it. Especially if if means wrap around care/ pick ups from school etc being done by a range of people and a lack of ability to see her friends at weekends. She has stability with you and that’s important. Don’t be bullied and do see a good solicitor. It is all about DD though. Not your needs or her dad’s.

You don’t need to respond to a solicitors letter, but you would be better of sorting without the need for court.

mediation is necessary before court, maybe you can sort via this by offering 1-2 midweek overnights? If you work, can you work flexibly to free up some of your time elsewhere?

my children are 11 and 8. Dad has every weds then either Friday overnight or sat/sun but we are both as flexible as possible as this is in the kids best interest.

i get how hard it was. My ex was emotionally and verbally abusive to me and was tight with money so I use to cover a lot of the kids extra outgoings… but he is good with his kids and they love their time with him.

Thank you for your kind reply. I am considering offering dinner midweek at first. I've had some free advice suggesting nothing would change while she is going through a difficult time at school. Then we can take it from there.

Fact is, your daughters dad has as much right to see her as much as you do, and a court won’t even care what you or he wants, only what’s In the child’s best interest and that’s normally equal time with both parents unless it’s not practical.

Don’t see how her having a difficult time at school means they won’t change things, they will.

Can you prove the harrassment? This could showcase his abusive behaviour/MH issues.

I stumbled across your message and wondered how you got on . My sister is going through something similar and I want to help her but feel helpless. How did your situation plan out in the end.

I’m aware this is a very old thread…. But I just wondered if how you got on @Swiftylala?
my ex is wanting to make changes to our arrangement which has been in place for 6 years.