Ex has requested big increase in contact

[Swiftylala]

I received a devastating letter yesterday and I've been awake for the last few hours with panicky feelings about it. It's from my ex's solicitor asking to have our daughter 50/50. He currently has her every other weekend under a court order that is around 4 years old. I an the 'primary carer' as they call it.

He was emotionally and financially abusive but there no proof of this (so no legal aid) and has harassed me on occasion since we split up 6 years ago. I can't tell you how devastated I was about the increase from 1 night to 3 that the court put in place. I honestly can't cope with any longer away from my daughter. We are very very close. I'm a single mum and have no help from family.

Does anyone have experience of this? I'm waiting for a call from my solicitor which I can barely afford. And please I'm needing comforting words not scare stories.

How this goes will depend on a few things. Your daughter’s age, and if she’s old enough, her wishes, distance between the two homes and her school, and what your ex is proposing in terms of being able to care for your daughter during his contact time.
Why do you think he’s asking for 50/50 now? Was it always his ideal end point or has something changed recently?

I understand the letter must have been a shock to you.

I agree with the pp - they are all factors the court will consider. The court will put your daughter's welfare above everything else, so if it's in your daughter's interests to see her dad more, they'll do that. If it isn't they won't.

It may be that your ex does want more contact but is asking for more than he really wants on the basis you'll negotiate him down. Can he manage 50/50?

He's probably trying to reduce what he pays you as I don't imagine he would be asked to pay maintenance if it is 50/50 arrangement.

Does he have a room for her to have as a bedroom?

It seems strange the sudden change - does he have a new partner?

Unless he's a danger to your child then frankly you're being unreasonable to object, purely because you can't cope on your own. It's all about what's best for your child. Every other weekend is honeslty a rubbish amount of contact to forge a meaningful relationship, if there's no obvious reason why.

How old is she? Would she be happy to spend more time with him? (Make sure you don't make her feel bad for saying yes). As long as the 50/50 arrangement spanned the full work week then I'd be inclined to try it. I wouldn't agree to him having all weekends for example. He needs to do midweek/school day slog also.

If he's asking purely in order to reduce maintenance payments then you should be able to sniff it out fairly quickly and it will probably die a death when he realises how inconvenient it is for him.

But if he genuinely wants to see her more then it's not a bad thing.

As above is 50/50 practical given distances etc? How old is dc and would it be in her best interests (objectively). How you feel isn't really relevant as long as she'd be safe and well cared for

50:50 will mean 50:50 of ALL the costs - does he understand that?

It also mens 50% of organising and ferrying to dental and GP appointments, haircuts, play dates, parties and school events.

And 50% of the inconveniently times inset days, sick days and early from school.

In addition - probably more than 50% of the costs as he will need to have duplicates of certain items and clothing for her

50% of reading the school newsletters, replying to and paying for school trips,

How much of this work does he do now?

Id make a list of all the work you do to maintain your dd and arrange a call with ex and ask him how he plans to coordinate all of this. It requires a significant amount of cooperation if he is going to his half and say you expect him to prove he can do it. So starting now with the organisational side of things would be excellent and then asks him what jobs does he think need doing today, next week, next month. It is not your job to direct this, he needs to step up and get himself in the WhatsApp parents groups, on the school mailing list, keep a diary to remind him who’s “turn” it is to host a play date with a friend .

if he loves further away, he will have to be prepared to take friends to his house for play dates and back again. Other parents won’t drive miles.

I can understand why you are upset - I would be if STBEXH suddenly asked for/demanded a significant increase in time....if you have been split up 6 years your child is at least 6? I suspect he's thinking now you've got her through the "hard" bits of parenting like nappy training and sleeping through the night , and childcare costs have significantly reduced and you've made her into a decent little human being he's thinking how's the time he wants more time with her because you've done all the hard work. As others have said 50/50 means he'll have to pay for things he might otherwise have said would come out of CMS so once you've made that clear he may back off.

I forgot to mention that he split up from his fiancé of roughly 4 years this summer. So suddenly he's lonely, has more bills to pay and has decided to move down here, nearly 200 miles away from his business. Which he sorry if runs from his living room but had the offices far away. What happens in an emergency for the business?! She is 8 nearly 9 and I'm pretty sure he's been waiting for around now, knowing that the courts take children's opinions into account, sometimes from the age of 8.

In the end, it's about what's best for your daughter. If it's deemed to be in her best interests, then it should happen. In those circumstances, your job would be too slap on a smile and support her having more times with her Dad.

How he manages business emergencies is his problem. These are all the things he needs to factor in when requesting 50/50. If he's now living significantly closer to you than he was before then it seems reasonable that he'd want to see her more.

If he treats your daughter well, then what is the actual problem? (Other than you not liking it?).

How do you think your DD would feel about spending more time with her Dad?

What does your DD want? Would she like to spend more time with him?

I may well be in a similar situation soon, but here’s my advice from my research into the issue.

1. Don’t panic! Nothing will change with regard to his access for your child for several months over even a year.
2. A solicitor’s letter means nothing. You can reply ‘no’ or simply choose to ignore it if that’s what you prefer.
3. if he persists with the request, the next step is for him to take you through the mediation process. Here, if you are willing to, you could offer him some extra contact if he is moving closer if you want to (for e.g one midweek overnight if he lives close enough to get school to do school runs), but not 50:50.
4. If mediation breaks down, he’ll need to take you to court to vary your current child arrangement order. This will cost him several thousands of pounds if he gets legal representation - can he afford this?
5. For the court process, you will have a minimum of two hearings (a ‘directions’ hearing and a final hearing). The courts are massively backlogged at the moment so his application will take 2 or 3 months to even be scheduled for the first hearing. In addition, from what I’ve read about varying child arrangement court orders, there needs to be a very good reason to change the ‘status quo’ for the child. If your daughter is happy with the current set up, it’s unlikely that she’ll be forced into live with her dad 50% of the time. However, if he’s moving closer, he could get some midweek access to your daughter on top of the every other weekend arrangement.

Hope that helps. Just to reiterate - nothing will change with the childcare arrangements for your daughter for several months (possibly even a year or more). Keep calm and carry on. The solicitor’s letter means nothing. Nothing will change until a final court hearing takes place x

I'm sorry OP but you not being able to handle more time away from your daughter doesn't matter to the courts, only whats better for your daughter. If your daughter wants to spend more time with her dad then you shouldn't be stopping her because you don't like it. Irregardless of his relationship with you, he is as much her parent as you are and deserves equal time if he will care for her equally - if that is what she wants. She could want more time but not quite 50/50, which again you should listen to.

Yes, its shit you've done all the grunge work up until now, but if he is actually prepared to step up and do 50/50 and that's what your daughter wants then why isn't that OK? I'd make sure its in writing though that that means he is responsible for childcare on his days, 50% of uniforms/extracurriculars etc, he must take the day off if she's off sick on one of his days.

Its different if he isn't a good dad and will behave badly towards her of course but you need to seperate your relationship with her dad and hers. She's 8 and will be starting to get more independent, you need to do the same. You shouldn't be unable to handle her spending time away from you with her other parent if she is safe and loved.

Courts don't take kindly to parents blocking access for the sake of being difficult. Why make him wait months? He wants to see his child and if there are no welfare concerns (which presumably there aren't as child stays every other weekend), then there is zero reason to be difficult.

OP will make herself look like a knob.

Don't use your child as a weapon. It's abusive.

I would ignore the solicitor's letter and wait for him to take me to court.

As others have hopefully pointed out, the court will be interested in what's best for your dd and what she wants will be given some weighting too. In a couple of years time, she will be able to choose who she sees when. If you go against what she wants now, you risk her picking to live with her dad 100% of the time when the time comes. As hard as it is for you, try to detach your feelings about how he was as a husband and focus on how he is as a father. 50/50 doesn't have to be week on/week off. People on here have other patterns which you might prefer.

@TellMeWhere did you miss the part where he is an emotionally & physically abusive man. OP

The BEST post on this thread is @Nearlyalldone & mirrors my situation.

A lawyers letter is not worth the paper it's written on. Ignore until he asks for mediation.

Then make sure you have a list of all
The things mentioned by @Surfsenior & ask for answers & reassurance that he is primed to take on 50% of EVERYTHING.

Do NOT agree unless you feel convinced. You are not his mum or secretary. Do not perform his emotional Labour even for the sake of your child.

50/50 is used as a tool by many abusive men for 3 reasons

1. To reduce child maintenance
2. To further exert control on you
3. To exert control over children

These men will not be willing to step up with play dates, admin, chauffeuring around, nutritional snacks, parties, presents for parties, sports day, clothes shopping, dentists, orthodontists, doctors etc.
Do not agree at mediation unless there is meaningful effort to make all this happen.

Ask the questions about all this in mediation:

What happens in emergency in your work ? Who is your back up childcare ?
What about school inset days/strike? What will you do?

Make it Crystal clear that you won't be doing his share of emotional and actual admin. If he wants 50/50 then that's what he'll get.

As pp have said. Nothing will happen overnight or anything like it. Bearer a year and by that point your dd views will be taken into account.

Stop panicking. He isn't worth it x

Also make sure the 50/50 is school days & weekends. He needs to do the day to day grunt & homework & uniforms etc & not get to be Disney dad fun guy whilst you're the "baddie"

@@beachcitygirl op said emotionally and financially abusive not physically. Big difference.

Ops main objections to him having more time is that she’ll miss her daughter. I understand why that would be really upsetting but it’s not a reason to withhold contact. If you push him back and block all mediation attempts you will not be looked at kindly in court.

Try mediation. Maybe do some midweek test runs to see how it goes. I would be lead by how your daughter feels.

She didn't say physically abusive. She said emotionally and financially abusive to her, with no evidence to support.

Child already goes for 3 nights (per fortnight?) so from that, presumably child is not in danger otherwise surely OP would've done something to stop unsupervised contact altogether.

The only actual reason OP has given is that she doesn't want to be away from her child. That's not a good enough reason.

The fact that OP is worried about courts taking her daughters opinion into consideration leads me to think her daughter would be happy to spend more time with him.

@Greblegable yes, you're quite correct. I got that wrong.
How much better that is🙄
It's well documented by womens 3rd sector that emotional abuse can be much more destructive and debilitating than physical abuse.

NOWHERE did Op say she would "block" mediation. That hasn't even been suggested yet. So quit with the hyperbole. It's unhelpful & untruthdul. That isn't the situation here.

If she were "blocking" I would agree

Of course she is worried about her daughter spending time with a financially and emotionally abusive person & will
Miss her & worry. They've had to become a wee team. Due to His behaviours.

She is able to provide enough warmth and support to mitigate his behaviours at the moment.

Be very very aware that men who abuse wives are NOT good fathers.

Either they targeted their wife to abuse ie knowingly abused that one person whilst being decent to others - a choice.

OR
They cannot help it, it happens automatically and they are abusive people.

That does NOT a good father make.

@TellMeWhere So… a dad can suddenly just out of the blue ask their ex-partner to ‘jump’, and the mum must immediately just say ‘Yes of course, how high?’…???

Whether he’s the best dad in the world, or the worst dad in the world, suddenly uprooting a child’s life and saying that they’re now to live with their other parent 50% of the time after several years of living predominantly with one parent is massively disruptive. The OP says that the dad is abusive too. Of course the OP is not going to just hand over her daughter for 50% of her childhood to her abusive ex just because a solicitor’s letter requests this.

My post was not about stalling the dad’s access. My post detailed the legal process for him to gain more access if the mother objects. Using the court for the correct procedures to vary an existing court order does not make anyone a ‘knob’. That’s what the family court is there for. I was trying to reassure the OP that any change will not happen immediately and so there’s no need to panic at this time.

@TellMeWhere yes. She may well
Be worried that her daughter will at this stage want to spend more time.
Presumably like most decent mums, she hasn't told her daughter of his Emotional & Financial abuse.

No danger? Well who knows. She may not be in "physical danger" but other kinds ? See my other post.

Well said 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻