Prohibited steps?

[Sahm87]

Hi,

new here and really hoping for some advice. My ds is 7 - me and ex husband split when he was 2 (few instances of dv (long before ds was born) plus extremely controlling financially + manipulative).

my ds has never loved going to his dads but usually got on with it ok but he has just never seemed to really love him/going with him (although does talk about him nicely sometimes).

i put this down to dad working a lot and him mainly being looked after by his step mum.

when he was around 5 and 6 a few times he came home with bruises - he told me it was from certain games dad played and he told me the names of them - I sent pictures and told dad these games were to never be played as it was quite obviously bruised and I wasn’t pleased at all he’d hurt him.
dad said no problem won’t happen again.

then 6 weeks ago dad comes to collect ds and all hell broke loose. I’ve never seen my usually very happy child like it. He took all his clothes off was kicking screaming and hiding refusing to go.
this went on for a few days - I even invited ex and his step mum into the house for 90 mins to try coax him out. No joy.

I then manage to persuade him a few days later to go see dad as it was Xmas he would have things to open etc.

he comes back and doesn’t even make it up the driveway he breaks down upset and I get him in the house. He tells me they won’t get him a new duvet and they’ve promised him one for months and he sleeps under a tiny blanket so is so uncomfortable and cold he can’t sleep so he cry’s.

i message ex about this and he ignores it completely.

We are out and about a few days later and I mention going to his dads and he says ‘I aren’t going I hate him’ so I ask why he feels that way and he says ‘because he hurts me’ - so after a bit of a chat it turns out these ‘games’ have been carrying on for the last few years but apparently dad said to him ‘if you tell mum I’ll torture you more’.

he said dad calls the living room the torture chamber and does the pain things to him - I asked if he laughed at all or felt it was a game and he said no I never laugh and he says he tells him step mum after that dads hurt him but he said ‘daddy says it didn’t happen but he’s lying’

he’s also said ‘he only does it on the days I’m not coming home to you’

I told ex husband I wouldn’t be making him go and he can see him at my house - I didn’t tell him the allegations as I know he will deny it / try tell me not to believe him - but I do especially as it all ties in with things that happened years ago.

I called social services - they said I can just offer supervised access as we have no court order but basically without actual bruises right now they can’t do a lot!

he then started refusing to go to school, had tummy aches, bad mental health etc. - I called the GP who feels he’s got extreme anxiety and seperation anxiety from everything that’s been going on at dads. She also contact social services.

School have been great and thanks to baby steps he did a full week of half days this week. And doing full days next week. Dads gone off on holiday for two weeks so I’ve had a bit of reprieve.

i spoke to solicitor - she said to let dad take me to mediation so he has done that and I had my MIAM last week and his is next week. I don’t see mediation getting us anywhere and my solicitor feels it will end up back with her also so does the GP.

I’m not worried though as he’s due back from holiday this week and we’ve no court order and feel no one protecting us - he has parental responsibility so school can’t stop him taking our son. And I feel like this won’t go down well at all. My ds is petrified of him. If he hears him mentioned he runs and hides. It may also knock him back to square one with school,

I’ve emailed my solicitor tonight but as it’s the weekend won’t hear back till Monday. I’ve asked her about maybe a prohibited steps order to prevent him taking him from school / say my mums etc? Do you think this is the right thing to do?

sorry it’s so long winded I’m just beside myself as I’ve never ever stopped contact and would never use children as pawns I hate all of that.

but my son is scared and I don’t know what to do for the best right now.

I know nothing about prohibited steps, hopefully the solicitor can help with that, but I wondered how easy it is to change school so your ex won't know where he is to collect him from. I wouldn't worry about his learning. Your DS health and wellbeing is far more important than the crap they teach at school. The poor child is being abused and has been for years it sounds like 😭

Honestly, I couldn’t move him he has great friends there and is finally feeling settled there. His issue with the school refusal seemed to stem from what’s been going on at his dads. He felt I was the only safe person and our home was his safe place.

school have worked super hard to make him feel safe there again and I don’t want to rock his little world anymore than I need to.

i just don’t want dad to be able to just take him from the school and I know with parental responsibility right now with no court order yet he could do that and it makes me so worried for ds.

school know what’s gone on at his dads but again without court orders etc there’s nothing they could do to stop him taking him.

I had a kind of similar situation, the school agreed with me that if he was to turn up, they'd stall as much as possible to give me time to get there.
Go back into the school and ask about
putting a plan in place.

I ended up getting a family lawyer, her advice was to refuse all contact for safeguarding reasons and let him take the matter to court. In the end he did instruct a solicitor and it went to court, cafcass did a section 7 report, a child arrangements order was made for supervised contact.

In the end he didn't stick to it, and my son ended up refusing to see him. Hope you get sorted it's absolutely terrifying.

Thank you yes it’s the worst feeling in the world as I daren’t even tell my ds it will all be ok as I genuinely don’t know myself that it will.
I will speak to school on Monday and see if they can do the stalling thing as luckily I live 5 mins from the school (could probably be there in 2 mins in an emergency).
Going to speak to my solicitor on Monday also as I just do not think mediation will happen anyway as there’s no way he will see his dad at all - I still let him FaceTime him but my son just gets mad and hangs up immediately every single time.
I think cafcass being able to speak to my son will end up for the best as his voice will be being heard then I hope.
I’m just a little worried that the court will fall for ex’s charm despite everyone telling me they will see through him I just don’t know. I’ve known this man since I was 18 so half my life and have never ever known him not get his own way. And I’m worried about what will happen if things don’t go his way.

@Sahm87

Honestly sounds so similar to my situation.

We didn't even attempt mediation, he was a disgusting narcissistic bully and it wouldn't have worked anyway. If your son refuses just don't do it, it's in your child's best interests. It's a long time ago now I'm not an expert this was just my experience, I know you said you don't want to use your child a pawn, but you're absolutely not, you're keeping him safe.

My solicitor at the time advised me that because I was the resident parent, who had safeguarding concerns, there was absolutely nothing he could do if I refused contact. Which I did.
He then has to instruct a solicitor and pay the fees to essentially take you to court and fight for access. This is when cafcass would speak to your son alone, do the section 7 report and take it from there. My son told some horrible things I couldn't even remember. We had 3 judges in total. One was awful and fell for his narcissism but luckily the final judge saw straight through him. He came out of it with supervised contact, tried to find ways around that to suit him self, and then eventually my son became old enough to make his own decisions and no longer has any direct contact with him.

If he sends you any angry texts, threatening, anything at all, keep it for court. It's a long, shitty process where the courts do seem to try and push for parental contact on both sides but just keep screaming safeguarding concerns and stand your ground.

I hope your sons ok, maybe when you talk to the school they could recommend a counsellor for him?

Actually when I said there's nothing he can do, he's within his rights to send the police to do a welfare check, which my ex did numerous times.
Once the police see your child is happy and well with you, they'll leave and report child seen safe and well. So don't worry if he threatens with the police when you do with hold contact.

Everything you have said is exactly the same as my solicitor apart from she said to let him take me to mediation as she felt at least if the mediator says she won’t do it for X reasons it would appear I’d at least tried I guess.

I will speak to her again on Monday and see what she says as I think I’d rather just let court deal with things at this point.

He hasn’t sent the police yet but before he went away I was waiting for the knock - which is fine as they will see my son is happy as Larry here and we’ll cared for.