(Long one. I apologise!)
Hi everyone.
I’m going through a confusing and stressful situation at the moment and wanted somewhere to share and get advice.
I’m currently 18 weeks pregnant with my second baby. Me and the baby’s dad were only together a few months and we split up when I was around 10 weeks. Things were fairly civil and mutual at first but it slowly progressed into bickering and arguments. I’ll admit that none of us were innocent at the beginning and we both said hurtful and childish things. However, over the last few weeks things have quickly escalated.
It started with him coming to my home unannounced with my belongings, banging on the door for over an hour. I was in the shower and had music on and I’d been cleaning and settling my 5 year old to bed. It was 9pm. He started involving my mum in any bickering or conflict or disagreement we had. We’re both fully grown adults and of course my mum wasn’t interested in what he had to say. It’s not her business.
We eventually agreed to him only coming to scans and any important appointment, he was supportive through this time.
He asked to drop presents at my house for Christmas and when I said I was currently out with friends he jumped to the conclusion that I was seeing someone new since I said “friends” and not the one friend’s name see most. He then demanded that we do criminal background checks on any new potential partner using Clare’s Law, I personally found that extreme.
Over Christmas, we had one day that was lovely. Very civil and we had a nice conversation. I even shared some ideas for how we could co-parent including ideas of how often he could visit, and made him aware that I’m happy to discuss everything and find a plan that works for us.
We agreed minimum contact that is strictly baby related but I wanted to continue to focus on the pregnancy alone, updating him on anything important and how baby is and bringing him to scans. He agreed and then mentioned going to court for the first time, saying he’s “happy to cooperate” and “I really don’t want to go to court” despite there being no reason to. He believes if he went to court it “wouldn’t look good” on me. He gave me the speech of “you know the laws but I’ll find ways to reverse everything you do.” He then sent me a selfie of him and my ex (not together) both holding up merry Christmas signs for me along with their middle fingers. All of this was very unprovoked and all messages were in the space of a few hours with me barely responding.
Since then, I’ve received nothing but hot and cold messages multiple times a week. One minute he’s heartbroken, the next I’m being called every name under the sun. I’ve been accused of abusing my 5 year old. He’s insulted my mental health and past trauma. He’s posted images of my son without my permission and not responded to my request to take them down (he did eventually after someone commented publicly). He apologised for upsetting me then I tried to stay civil for the sake of baby and my sanity. I’ve received unwanted texts despite asking him to stop contact unless it’s baby related. Some of these texts are him telling me when I can and can’t date again, sending a contract-style list of what he expects from now until baby is 1 year old, and just various insults, threats of court and random digs at me. I’ve been told he’s constantly sharing posts on social media indicating that I’m toxic and “denying access” and abusive.
I’ve started ignoring most of what he says and taking note of everything.
I don’t want to go into too much detail but he has called me some awful things and a lot of it is manipulative and controlling. He’s made me feel so uncomfortable that I kindly asked he not come to the 20 week scan as I do not feel safe alone with him. Then he’s insisted he’s coming and made plans despite me telling him he can’t do that and I’ve said no. He’s threatened CPS and court numerous times as his only comeback and now he’s in the process of looking into a solicitor to take things further, despite have zero legal rights right now. Once he realised he legally cannot control my pregnancy or be there for any of it, he’s flipped to finding “proof” I’m an unfit mother, states he’s fighting for full custody and splashing a fake sob story all of social media.
What do I do? He does not want to be civil. He does not want to let things go. He will not stop unwanted contact despite me asking him several times to please leave me alone. If I block he threatens court again. I feel so trapped. I’m nearly halfway and don’t want to terminate at this stage but I also do not know how to get him away or what options I have or steps I can take. It’s heartbreaking to me that I’ve even considered ending the pregnancy out of fear. He lives close to me and I’m scared of what he’ll do next and how serious it’ll get.