Hi looking for some advice.
My ex and I started seeing eachother last September and I found out I was pregnant in February, totally unplanned.
Throughout the pregnancy he was hot and cold and imo being emotionally abusive. It's only now (8 weeks PP and with less hormonal 😅) that I have been able to sit back and reflect on the past few months and realise the extent of his behaviour/actions.
I gave ex opportunity to be present during birth-declined. Told me to ask my mum and sister, a few days later changed his mind and wanted to be there but I had already sorted things with my family.
Most of the pregnancy he ignored me. He locked me out of his house a couple of times late at night leaving me to drive 25 minutes back to my house. I would try and get us to speak because I was terrified of being a single mum (not anymore) but he would dig his heels in more. It was apparent that we wouldn't speak/try and sort things unless it was on his terms so I left it.
During my pregnancy ex had almost threatened that "I wouldn't stop him seeing his child" which I never ever suggested although he had said this to me quite a few times. He also commented several times that I had tried to trap him with a baby (this was when we were together, I thought he was joking but looking back I truly believe that he thinks that because he has absolutely no respect for me)
2 weeks before due date he was messaging me on and off and checking in with me.
Baby was born and he had said he wanted to be a family so I went along with it (hormones lol) because that's all I wanted too. This didn't last long.
Baby was 4 days old and I was pressured by him to allow him to take her away for the day.
This type of behaviour has continued until now, if he doesn't get his way then I am subjected to verbal abuse so I have found it easier to just give in.
Baby is now 8 weeks old.
For the first few weeks, the majority of the time I would have to ask him to come and see our child, only rarely would he do this off his own accord. Visits were both in my house, his house with me present, and on his own. He didn't have anything in his house to look after a baby until 2 weeks ago, when I suggested that he needed to buy his own stuff as I was sick of packing him a bag when he would send it back without even washing the bottles I had loaned him for the day. I also had to ask for him to help me out as he hadn't been consistent with seeing baby and all main responsibilities such as bathing etc were done by me.
For the first 6 weeks he hadn't given any financial support, I asked for this on the 2nd December and so far I have been paid £90, all payments I have had to ask for. He missed the payment yesterday and I'm not sure if I'll even bother asking for it because I don't want to appear desperate and thankfully I have enough support from my family. He gave me £500 in August, I bought a travel system with it and he has access to that too. Everything else I bought myself. He has even had the cheek to ask what I'm spending my money on.
He has been taking baby out on a Tuesday after work and a Saturday during the day, returning her between 9 and 10pm. I told him this is too late and we will have to work around baby's schedule, he again wasn't happy. I asked to go to mediation as he doesn't see where I'm coming from-declined.
I did some research on baby development and feel that the current set up isn't going to benefit the child so I suggested contact for a few hours every day/other day at my house and then he can take her out for a few hours on a Saturday/Sunday. When baby gets older I said this set up would be reviewed to allow more contact.
After I sent the message he had told me he is going to speak to a solicitor and I've heard from mutuals that he is pretty confident that he will get what he wants.
??? I don't get it, I'm not stopping him from seeing baby. If anything I have been more than reasonable trying to accommodate him. All while financially supporting the child on my own.
My question is, when a man who is emotionally abusive to the mother, is unpredictable (tried to snatch carseat from me with baby in it), and does not financially support baby, how much contact will the court allow considering she is only 8 weeks old. I have a feeling he is going to get less than I'm currently offering (around 17ish hours give or take)
Further context, him and his mum smoke in the house and he lies to me about it even though I, and my family, can smell it. In order to try hide it, he changes baby out of my clothes into one's he owns, for the duration of the visit and when baby is brought back she is wearing the clothes I sent her down in. Even if they are dirty. I then have to wake baby up to change them before settling them again for bed. Very petty behaviour. Her hair and skin stink of smoke just not her clothes. I've said before that I don't feel comfortable with the smoking and would prefer if she isn't in that sort of environment but he says they're not smoking so there's no problem. ?????? Explain the smell. When I contest this he calls me a liar.
He made no effort to ask about baby but expects me to tell him everything that's going on. I told him last week she will be late on Tuesday because I have to take her to doctors and he didn't even ask why.
Twice in the past 2 weeks he has caused a scene outside my house shouting at my dad etc and I have never been more embarrassed. The baby was inside and could hear this as she started crying. Tbf his behaviour is really starting to scare me and I don't feel comfortable leaving baby with him so I kind of welcome the idea of him taking me to court.
The first outburst was because I said she was too young to stay overnight, the second was because I suggested short and more frequent visits. I feel like I can't do anything right.
If you've made it this far, thank you lol. Any advice appreciated.