Child arrangements after separation

[Craznow22]

Please help.
I have recently left my abusive partner. I wanted to remain civil hoping that after separation, we could coparent or two year old.

We rely on his family as we both work full time. They enabled the abuse and blame me, so have been involved in the conflict. They are unable to put out child’s needs before his.

When together I was the primary carer, sleeping in a separate bedroom so he could sleep. I did most of the care, because he continued to live the life he did prior to becoming a Dad.
I was advised to do an emergency court order and get an injunction, but I can’t do that to our child or him, and I’m terrified of making the situation worse.

Currently it is 50/50, but he doesn’t have the capacity to do this and so he is relying on family to do get ups, teatime and help him at night. Whilst I have no issue with this, I know it’s purely financial, but I requested a trial period.

There is increasing conflict when I don’t agree to their demands and they then said I am being awkward then I get a call from him. I don’t want the conflict at drops offs and pick ups, so may need to sort my own childcare arrangements, which will then impact on my ability to afford the bills.

There are times when he does not have the capacity to get our child to where she needs to be. I have been asked to transport. Whilst I agreed to this, I think it is confusing and cruel when I have not seen our child for a period of time, to then see them just for a five minute car journey to then leave them again.

The conflict is affecting my mental health and our child is exposed to it.

I would appreciate advice on what to do. Will this be seen as enough to put a CAO in when I have allowed 50/50? I have had a MIAM already. I do have police logs, go, DV support to use, but he is saying he will make accusations against me. I feel so lost and just don’t know what to do.

I'm really sorry that you are in this situation. The complexities go way beyond my experience so I am hesitant to offer advice, but the thing I want to point out is that "abusers abuse". You know who this man is. He has abused you in the past and he will exert whatever power he can to continue doing so. I am not sure that trying to coparent 50:50 in a civil manner is possible under these circumstances.

You need to act in the best interests of the child. The current arrangement are damaging to the child but I know that the legal system will also be a nightmare to navigate and you need some specialist support rather than the somewhat ignorant likes of me giving you ideas.

Empower yourself as a Litigant in Person...stay away from Solicitors as best as you can and seek targeted legal advice.
Ensure you act in the best interest of the child (truly)...resist the temptation to weaponize the child.

Plenty of resources here:

www.advicenow.org.uk/divorce-and-separation

Why would anyone stay away from qualified legal advice? It’s needed. With DA you may qualify for legal aid. Don’t represent yourself against an abused. See a family solicitor. Explain everything.

The thing is CAO are initially enforced by the parents. It is normally the parent the child doesn't mainly live with who puts in for an order and then enforces any major transgressions by going back to Court.

I would find an experienced family solicitor and talk to them about whether having one will help as I strongly doubt it would help now in your case. One reason is because you already have a 50/50 agreement, and the other is that they don't stop a parent being abusive to the other parent. (You are extremely unlikely to get legal aid for a CAO if you are working.)

While some separated parents, regardless of sex, are abusive for a couple of years/few years after their break up they then calm down. Really abusive people continue their abuse years later and on occasions escalate it using the child(ren) and the CAO as tools to do so. Even when the child is an adult - so decades later - they still try to abuse their child's other parent. (I know this from my DP's and other separated parents experience.)

I think you need techniques and practical steps to avoid having contact with him and them. Many posters on MN can give you practical advice from their own experience of doing this for free.

Yes this means you won't be able to have his family doing childcare on the days you have your child. You will also have to do handovers of your child in a public place so there are witnesses if anything kicks off. And you will have to be not too easily contactable by a phone call by him (and them) when your child is with him. This means they won't easily be able to get in touch with you by phone call to have your child at the last minute. (If they do message/email you make sure you keep your child overnight.)

You may actually need a non-molestation order rather than a CAO due to the DV. Orders can be written so third parties linked to him will get him in trouble if they are abusive to you. (There is help to get a non-molestation order with legal help if you talk to a charity like Women's Aid but you need to talk to them first before looking at whether a CAO is suitable at the moment.)

You may then end up going for a CAO when your child is nearer school age when he repeatedly shows by messaging/email he can't actually look after your joined child as you have to frequently step in.

The Court's are use to hearing parents making accusations against each other in CAO proceedings. Unless a parent is proven to be a risk to their child they will always get contact. If they are a risk to the other parent, and that includes making up allegations against them, steps like handovers in public place and not going to each others homes will be added to minimise the risk to the other parent.

50/50 I assume is voluntary. If there’s a court injunction against ex, it’s a serious case. This is not set in stone! See a qualified family solicitor. You can get this changed. You could find he just sees DC in a contact centre. However you need to find out what you will get instead of people guessing on here.