Judge has recommended 60:40 split. How can this possibly be ok?

[Maysurvive]

Honestly, I am at the end. I cannot take anymore. I have lost my husband/best friend because I listened to the people that told me he was abusive. I have lost my DS (16) because my XH slowly dripped poison in his ear until he was so abusive towards me that he has been taken into care. Now a judge in a financial dispute hearing (post-divorce) has told us he would expect a judge at a final hearing to direct XH to sell the flat and me to sell the house and split the equity 60:40 in my favour.

Sounds ok on the surface...

Except XH has significant assets that have disappeared and, the few he has declared, are being ignored. He has spent the last 31 months living in a flat that I've been paying the mortgage for. He initially agreed to the £400 per month repayment as it's cheaper than if he rented. Then he changed his mind and started paying child support INSTEAD because that was only £200 a month. Because the whole mortgage is secured against the house, I've had to cover that. In the 3 years since he left he has contributed a grand total of 3% of childcare and 8% of mortgage repayments. I also had to replace windows, do some renovation on the flat and the house so I requested £45k be ringfenced before division (to bring us back to a 50/50 position). XH has refused to contribute any further to the children because DD has just started uni and DS is in care (so clearly neither is dependent anymore! 😡) . The judge did say he found it hard to understand why a father wouldn't want to contribute to his children.

BUT, here's the real kicker! Because I have scrimped and managed, until recently, to just about make ends meet and because he has frittered his money on foreign holidays, eating out and anything else, we both enter a point of having nothing left. XH spends a mere 27% of his net income on housing and living costs whilst I pay 85% (excluding the flat mortgage repayment which is now in arrears because I just can't afford it anymore). I could downsize but DD still needs a room for about 20 weeks of the year and I am desperately hoping DS will get the help he needs so he can return home. I can't bear the thought of giving up on him but if I sell, I won't be able to afford anything large enough and, anyway, DS is autistic and if he's not coming back to his room, he won't be interested. The judge agrees the house should be maintained but notes I can't afford the full mortgage and XH won't contribute therefore the only solution seems to be to sell and 60:40. Taking all the additional payments I have made into account, that leaves me below the 50% mark and with nothing to continue supporting the children.

I don't care about the money. I would rather we kept the properties and he can have 50% of the higher value a few years down the line. I just want to keep the house for the kids and because I need time to recover after, what can only be described as, the worst years of my life.

How can this be fair? How can someone abuse, manipulate and splurge assets, fritter money, generally live the life of riley and then claim poverty and get away with it? He's not even living in the flat much cos he has a girlfriend he stays with.

Maybe IABU and need to look at it differently. I just feel absolutely broken and now I can't even keep the children's home going for those last few important years. 😰

Why are you paying the mortgage on the flat he’s living in, and why did you spend money on it?

You have much sympathy op. Truly. My exh mentally abused me. When he had the dc he physically abused them including not feeding them. He scammed his elderly parent of 40k.. Stashed money in fake dc's bank accounts.. Went bankrupt.. Inherited 40k. Left funeral costs and home clearance costs to dc.
He died recently and the dc came home with matching DAD tattoos. I am broken yet again.
I hope your ds gets home to you safely and mentally well op. Judges really have no idea do they?

We purchased that flat jointly during Covid because he needed somewhere to live and somewhere the kids could be with him whilst I tried to sort my head out and process what had happened. (He left after he put DS (13) in a headlock.) At the time, XH was still DH and I naively, stupidly thought we could resolve things, he would come back and we could rent out our investment. The refurbs were done shortly after purchase but it was me who paid.

We bought the flat by extending the mortgage against the family home so we could raise 100% of the funds to buy it. Consequently, if he doesn't pay it, I have to cover it or go into mortgage arrears. We are now in arrears and the house is at risk. Meanwhile, he sits smirking in a mortgage and rent free flat which he will either rent out or sell once this order is finalised. I genuinely didn't think the judge would make the 60:40 proposal without at least ringfencing some money to balance out the last 3 years. Again, I am clearly naïve and stupid.

Pumpkin Patch - I'm sorry you've had to go through the abuse. I still find it hard to acknowledge that it was abuse. Sometimes I get it, some days I think I'm being ridiculous. I would feel cut-up if my DCs got tattoos like that too but I suppose I might feel grateful that their experience of their dad or at least their memories are such that they wanted to get those tattoos. I don't want my kids to know the full truth about their dad. That said, XH has spent plenty of time denigrating me to our DS and sometimes I wish I had disclosed enough to defend myself.

Did the judge recommend 60:40 because you have no joint children under the age of 18 in your care?

Tbh I don’t understand the first big. You say you lost your husband/best friend because you listened to people who said he was abusive. He clearly was, but your sentence seems to suggest you think it was wrong to end the marriage?

This is awful OP. Can't the flat mortgage be put on his name only, so he pays for it? I can't understand why you are footing the bill. Hopefully someone smarter than me comes along with advice, as this all sounds so unfair!

I know it doesn't make sense. Everyone else is fairly conclusive about the abusive nature of our relationship and, at the moment, I absolutely hate him for everything he has done over the last 3 years. But there is large part of me that is very confident that the last 3 years wouldn't have happened like this had we carried on. It was all we knew at that point so why not just do those last few years to get both the children to adulthood? Everything has been so much worse since he left. I have not dispute about the abuse that has happened since - it's been overt and obvious - but I can't help thinking that we were better off as we were before. I know many will disagree. I met him aged 18, we married when I was 20 and I'm now 44. He was hard work but he was my bestfriend.

I get it. Oddly, I also met my exh at 18, married at 20. Left him at 34 though.

The emotional abuse was damaging the kids. You didn’t leave though because people convinced you of anything. You split because he WAS abusive. He had your son in a headlock. That situation wasn’t sustainable. He couldn’t stay after assaulting your 13 year old son. Leaving wasn’t the wrong thing. Unfortunately some abuser do continue to abuse after. I always recommend divorcing asap.

The judgement seems unfair. I assume it’s because you don’t have da with you and your dd is over 18. I would guess you earn quite well as well? What are your earning vs what you can prove your soon to be exhusband earns?

One of the problems with divorce is that often people can and do hide assets or income. It costs a lot of money to prove other wise so they sometimes get away with it.

I am sorry you are going through this. A clean break divorce will help.

Thank you for understanding! So many people just criticise and see it as black and white but he wasn't abusive all the time and he's actually a really nice guy alot of the time. The physical abuse I can accept immediately, it's the psychological stuff that I suppose I can't quite square in my head.

Earnings wise, he is currently on more than me. His latest statement showed (rounded) £1800 of earned income and £500 of living expenses (I wish!). My earned income is currently £1350 but that's because I'm working part-time due to mental ill-health. My consultant wrote a letter explaining how resilient I was being working part-time but that I would be 'quite unable to work full-time at the moment.'. I do feel pathetic for not managing more but then managing to survive at the moment is taking alot.

I am not an expert but I am guessing the judge went for the 60:40, due to you not having kids living with you gang are under 18.

and because your earning potential is equal or more than his, depending on how part time you are. Your consultant at said you couldn’t work full time ‘at the moment’. What consultant was this? I have c-ptsd I have never been referred to a consultant. Not doubting but wondering if this statement was accepted?

i think (think being the operative word) that the judge would take into account earning potential. Not just current income and it seems your consultant, does believe your will be able to work full time, even if not immediately.

As I said, I am not an expert. Hopefully someone who is can give you better insight.

But you aren’t alone in going through this. I know it doesn’t help a lot. But plenty of us understand.

Sorry to hear. Unfortunately the system works in favour of those who dissipate their money. Totally see your point that living with an abusive person is somehow easier that divorcing them. Hope time will bring wisdom in society and people will be better protected and the system will become more fair

Thanks. It would be fair to say that my mental health is as far from 'good' as it could be. I have recently come off section where I was under the care of a Consultant Psychiatrist. However, I'm currently receiving intense support from the Home Treatment Team and the letter was signed by an Associate Specialist in General Psychiatry not a Consultant. Sorry for the error.

The judge didn't seem interested in earning potential, it was all about the here and now. Apparently my DD is still considered a dependent whilst she is in full-time education. I thought university didn't count in that but apparently it does. My DS is now in care but hopefully that will be temporary. I was awarded the 60% in recognition of the fact my XH seems to think his parental responsibilities ended when Child Benefit did!

What did you think you would get? I've a feeling it may go lower, your children are all but grown up and not living with you full time and you both have jobs and the ability to earn, albeit you can only work part time atm.

I was hoping the judge would ring fence some money before division to bring us to a more 50:50 staus i.e.the mortgage payments for his accommodation which I've had to pay because it's all secured against the house. He also has a few assets, probably iro £40k total, but it's only the properties that are being considered.

The judge agreed that the house should be maintained for the children for the next 3 years but XH insists he can't afford to pay so that's that. I suppose I'm frustrated, maybe jealous, that he's been spending money on fun, living rent and mortgage free, whilst I've been struggling to make ends meet but because neither of us has money, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter how we got there. 😒

What I have learnt is that prior to divorce those who spend as much as they can get the best outcome. Court is not interested in what is fair or checking if someone is hiding assets. I wish people were more open about it so that those who are trying to do the right thing don't get played by the system

It seems I am now learning that lesson the hard way. I agree - transparency would be really helpful!

The courts are interested in what is fair, but they don't necessarily agree with what you think is fair. But no, it is not up to the courts to find if someone is hiding assets. They don't investigate. If someone thinks their ex is hiding assets, they must find evidence to support that allegation, not expect the court to find it for them.

Maysurvive - my narc family have been speaking poison to my daughter and my ex also tried his best to turn her against me. As she grew up she became so abusive to me that she also got taken into care.
It’s so painful when your child becomes an abuser to you. It’s like your world turned upside down with worry for your child and grieving for the child who is no longer kind

What does your solicitor advise?

Am I understanding correctly - you suspect he may be hiding assets? In which case you need a forensic accountant, particularly if the sums involved are significant.

Have you done the freedom program ? It might help you. So sorry you are havinf this difficult time.

It sounds horrible for you and divorce law is very unfair. I earned more than my ex and he got 60% AND never paid a penny for the children and also never had them even one night at his house. In my case by working full time (more than full time really) I was able to keep the house with a massive mortgage.

It may be if you can possible get over your mental health issues returning to full time work might be the only way you can keep the house and finalise the divorce finances, awful though that might feel and perhaps take a weekend job too just to get you and the university child over this awful period. My children all came back to live at home after university and I sitll have 2 here in first jobs so I do think they really do appreciate still having a property family home in their early 20s if you can possibly manage it.