Ex continues to make claims through CMS

[Skeptadad]

My ex and I have 50/50 shared care and she attends pre-school 5 days a week. School holidays are split. My ex keeps informing CMS that she is the primary carer. I have told ex that I will pay a contribution for our daughter to ensure she has a nice time with her mum - I am a high earner but I am not paying more than that.

I feel I have a moral responsibility to pay to ensure our daughter has a reasonable level of living with ex and of course want to make sure ex can keep our daughter warm and have treats/holidays.

I have told ex that I am feeling harassed by CMS as they can't do anything as she is saying she is a primary carer even though we both care for our daughter in our time with her.

It's the last hold my ex has over me so I really want to rid myself of her chains and get on with my life.

Any idea how I can get my ex to do one? I suspect this is going to end up at tribunal which is a shame as we keep ending up in court. The way she keeps messing with my life is counterproductive as it makes me feel like I won't give her anything if she keeps being a pain in the bum!

You do realise that if you're both 50/50 the CMS only take 50%?

What are you talking about? I’m basically asking this guy whether he’s ok with his child having a low standard of living with his ex, and whether he expected that when he knocked up a low earner. If not then yes he should contribute financially to the child’s time with his ex. There’s so many variables as to why his ex may not earn much but my point exists, he chose to have a child with this woman knowing what her finances were like.

I know how it all works legally thanks and so does he!

You do realise you're wrong, and neither parent pays maintenance on 50/50 care? Look up regulation 50.

Well it is his daughter's problem..... and the problem of the person with whom he decided to have a child.. and he could go some way to rectify that inequality, should he choose to give his daughter a better future and a belief in a more equal world... or he could look at the mother of his child and his child herself and say tough... I am the preferred sex and you females are lessor beings because we males perpetuate these inequalities... sucks to be you. I'm outta here with my big balls and by big bucks.

@Skeptadad I can think of a few ways yiu can make your DC's life better 100% of the time, without paying monet directly to your exW.

You could pay for 100% of good quality childcare provision, 100% school dinners and trips, school uniform, shoes, clubs.

All of the above would be directly for your DC.

My god.

I am honestly appalled by the entitlement of some women. I have been a single mother, I went to university to retrain, to provide my child with a better quality of life.

almost every poster is blaming the OP for his daughter having a poorer quality of life whilst with the OTHER parent. How about the Responsibility is put onto the correct parent here, the mother.

If standard of living is so much worse with her then SHE needs to do something about it for her child’s well-being.

These replies read like some cult of brainwashing, money grabbing women trying to emotionally bully another person into giving a mother a free ride!!

You are so so right! Women want equality....Until it's too much hard work and then they don't and just want the man to fund them. Disgusting.

She gave him a child without any impact to his earning power while permamently reducing her's with the societal expectation that he might make some provision for her future in compensation... equality and fairness are not the same thing. Until having the ability to bear children or the act of having them does not result in structural inequalities, it is disengenious to say 'lazy woman.. just work harder!'

She should've made better choices then.

Yup.. conveniently ignore millenia of structural misogny and place the entire blame on her poor decisions while he gets to skip off into the sunset believing how clever and amazing he is.

I suggest reading Women and Power by Mary Beard.

How is he 'skipping off' if he's 50/50? After all that's been said people just automatically take the side of the female. Have you even read the post?!

Hang on. If a woman was posting saying she had 50/50 custody with her ex, but was giving him some extra cash to make sure he wasn’t too out of pocket for looking after their kid, but now he wanted more and was telling CMS he was the resident parent, everyone on here would be telling her not to give him another penny.

50:50 custody is hardly ‘skipping off’. And he’s giving her some extra cash already. What does he owe her? The kid is presumably old enough to be in school and she has 3+ days a week without any childcare duties.

he chose to have a child with this woman knowing what her finances were like.

would you say this to a woman struggling to get maintenance out of a minimum wage earning dad?

I can't see many people with joint shared care making a discretionary unnecessary payment.

That's weird- all the parents I know that live with their children spend most of their disposable income on their kids. It seems that it's only when parents split up that this becomes 'a discretionary unnecessary payment'.

Seems this thread has been brigaded by fathers 4 justice. Shouldn't you be chaining yourself to something lads?

I don’t understand
surely you have just submitted your CAO to the CMS ?

regarding the less legalistic aspects of your thread I’d suggest that if you really are putting your child first pay for things directly as others have said to enrich her young life. so much toxicity is dreadful for a young child and you both need to remember this is about her not either of you.

I think you have made an excellent and overlooked point here. I totally agree

Saw your post and never have the time to ready the entire thread (had a baby ☺️) but I thought I'd share the situation my husband has been in on the off chance any of it compares: he had 50/50 but his ex still had a CMS case. Many people including CMS staff still believe number of nights apply.... but it goes in day to day care - if someone provides more despite even split of night, they are entitled to be awarded CMS. Think of it as money to facilitate the extra running around, activities etc they are responsible for. In our situation there was very much an even split of day to day care.... but nonethe less his ex claimed CMS. There was no sharing of anything eg sets of football boots, rugby stuff, uniform in each house so a lot of duplication. Husband never quibbled this arrangement at all until.... she took the piss. I changed careers due to ill health. She told a bunch of lies wanting CMS to be based on my wage also. He went to tribunal. It was really upsetting to have someone willing to lie and destroy any good will. He could have gone along with it for an easy life but it really would have compounded what we could have provided not just now but in the future eg university, savings we had been squirrelling away for his DC. He won the tribunal but the interesting thing regarding shared care that came out from the proceedings was that his ex was seen as primary carer because although homework, hobbies, uniform, clothes all the day to day stuff each parent pays for their own.... ex took DC to the dentist. Yep. 1/2 visits to the dentist a year is what it came down to. Now I want to stress here husband didn't shirk responsibilities regarding medical appts. His ex had always been very combative about them. Wouldn't allow him to go, wouldn't tell him when they were. We know why now - she had clearly made sure she knew how the system worked and hung on the dental appts for dear to life. I have no doubt there will have been comments on here flaming men for 'not wanting to pay'. This wasn't the case. It's about wanting to pay a reasonable amount that still allows you to provide a decent quality of life for thr DC when they spend s considerate amount of time in Dads home. I'm all for an elevated CMS payment when the main carer is doing the lions share... but I do think our situation shows the system is used on occasion to monetise children. And the tribunal showed that and acknowledge in every other respect he was doing as much as the other parent. This may not be of any help but the tribunal aspect may help in seeing its down to providing care not 50/50 nights. Hope it all gets sorted out amicably.