Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Ex continues to make claims through CMS

69 replies

Skeptadad · 17/09/2022 18:32

My ex and I have 50/50 shared care and she attends pre-school 5 days a week. School holidays are split. My ex keeps informing CMS that she is the primary carer. I have told ex that I will pay a contribution for our daughter to ensure she has a nice time with her mum - I am a high earner but I am not paying more than that.

I feel I have a moral responsibility to pay to ensure our daughter has a reasonable level of living with ex and of course want to make sure ex can keep our daughter warm and have treats/holidays.

I have told ex that I am feeling harassed by CMS as they can't do anything as she is saying she is a primary carer even though we both care for our daughter in our time with her.

It's the last hold my ex has over me so I really want to rid myself of her chains and get on with my life.

Any idea how I can get my ex to do one? I suspect this is going to end up at tribunal which is a shame as we keep ending up in court. The way she keeps messing with my life is counterproductive as it makes me feel like I won't give her anything if she keeps being a pain in the bum!

OP posts:

titchy · 17/09/2022 18:45

Lol. Given the shitty comments you make about mothers with crap fathers using their kids to score points, or how marvellous shared care is, even when the father is patently only interested in avoiding CM, it's pretty bloody cheeky if you to post here looking for advice and/or sympathy.

Hoppinggreen · 17/09/2022 19:49

titchy · 17/09/2022 18:45

My thoughts exactly
No idea why you are asking for advice on here when you usually seem to have such a low opinion of Mums

Rtmhwales · 17/09/2022 19:53

Just be happy you don't live in Canada then.

Even with 50/50 shared care, the higher earner pays a portion of their salary to the lower earner to ensure the same standard of living at both houses plus pro rata childcare and expenses based on their incomes. So even with 50/50 DP pays £355 a month and 60% of childcare even on his ex's days.

Go to tribunal if you have to. Not much point complaining on here. Nobody can force your ex to stop telling CMS that it's shared care unfortunately.

Pinkyxx · 17/09/2022 23:48

You emphasize you are a high earner, and along with your other posts often mentioning your status as high earner you also refer to how much you can provide for your daughter along with how exemplary your parenting / co-parenting with 50/50 is. Really? An exemplary father goes out of his way to support his family and he does not need to be asked. You say you want to rid yourself of this final ''hold''. It is not controlling to seek a contribution from your child's other parent particularly if earner power is not equal. An exemplary father wouldn't need to be asked, and certainly wouldn't enjoy the other parent's lower standard of life. The following comments sound very much like you are enjoying withholding money you could afford to give for the benefit of your daughter, enjoying gearing up for a tribunal, and basking in all the drama & the power you have...

The way she keeps messing with my life is counterproductive as it makes me feel like I won't give her anything if she keeps being a pain in the bum!

Your daughter is watching you to learn how men treat women. She is learning what to expect from men in a relationship. Parenting is often a little like looking in a mirror - one day, you might see your daughter playing these same dynamics out in her own relationships. Be careful what you project and ask yourself what your daughter might think of this attitude one day?

May I suggest the easiest way to get your ex-wife ''to do one'' is to put your daughter first and stop the dispute by finding a compromise. It's not worth the conflict this is causing, and that conflict certainly doesn't benefit your daughter. Finally, that your wife is a pain in your bum simply isn't a good reason to withhold financial support you (as a high earner who can afford to do whatever you like with your daughter when in your care) can afford to provide. I believe that is your usual line of advice to others is it not?

Lemonlemon88 · 17/09/2022 23:50

@Rtmhwales same in nz. Higher earner still contributes even if 50/50 or more shared care.

Original poster

Skeptadad · 19/09/2022 12:58

I post on here so I can get an opinion from a different perspective. I am curious to know what others might think of my position and whether I am being unreasonable. If I were to post on a different forum I would clearly get an answer that were along the lines of not paying anything so there wouldn't be much point in my posting somewhere where I knew what the response will be.

I am not "withholding financially support" no financial support is owed when there is 50/50 shared care - both parents are responsible for the care of their child/ren. We both make our own life choices.

I can see that the opinions are personal in nature rather than objective. I can't see many people with joint shared care making a discretionary unnecessary payment. Obviously a touchy subject for some.

OP posts:

titchy · 19/09/2022 13:11

You didn't ask for opinions at all -
You asked for advice on how to get your ex to 'do one'.

It's literally there in your OP!

SausagePourHomme · 19/09/2022 13:11

discretionary unnecessary payment is a bizarre way to talk about paying for your own child to have a decent lifestyle.

dude, if you didn't want to take a dint in your lifestyle you should have worn a condom.

Original poster

Skeptadad · 19/09/2022 13:12

I don't think it's right to say I only want my daughter in my life to lower my CMS. What would you think if that allegation were levied against you? I have had her since she was very young as a single dad.

That's a really shitty thing to say to someone.

OP posts:

Original poster

Skeptadad · 19/09/2022 13:17

The problem is when the payment is no longer about our child but subsidizing my ex - I have said I would pay reasonable costs. If the roles were reversed I would be more interested in getting myself into a reasonable financial position rather than taking from others as I would see our child's lifestyle as my responsibility when in my care.

OP posts:

drpet49 · 19/09/2022 13:17

OP step away from MN, you won’t get any constructive advice here I’m afraid

Julia234 · 19/09/2022 13:22

Op, I agree with you.

The level of entitlement from some people is absurd.

Soontobe60 · 19/09/2022 13:24

A friend of mine split from her husband when their children were still at primary school. He signed the house over to her but continued paying the mortgage, he also paid her £3k a month until the youngest went to Uni, then he reduced it to £2k a month and paid all the Uni costs. He dropped it to £1k a month when the youngest turned 30. Some fathers step up and continue to help support the mothers of their children.
BTW, my friend has a good career and earns IRO £45k.

Hoppinggreen · 19/09/2022 13:24

Skeptadad · 19/09/2022 13:12

That's a really shitty thing to say to someone.

As you have repeatedly accused women on MN of using their children as weapons and/or to try and get money from their ex you should know all about saying shitty things to people

Original poster

Skeptadad · 19/09/2022 13:30

Hoppinggreen - no I haven't. Or not to my immediate knowledge.

Soontobe60 - did he have 50/50 shared care? I suspect not. It's incredibly unusual for shared care arrangements even now so this is not a direct comparison. If I were a weekend dad it would be different.

drpet49 - I agree with you. Good advice.

OP posts:

Cognacsoft · 19/09/2022 13:38

You need to reframe this OP.
Your ex is the mother of your dc.
She maybe shouldn't be claiming from cms but why does she feel compelled to,?
Your dc will grow very quickly and make up her own mind about her parents.
Being kind to her dm and generous when you don't have to be will be worth it to have a good relationship with your dd.
It's just money. And one day investing in your dd's emotional happiness will pay dividends.

lickenchugget · 19/09/2022 13:40

I’m with you, OP. Can’t you raise a reassessment with the CMS and log it as 50/50?

AuntieDolly · 19/09/2022 13:59

How much a month are you giving currently?

badbaduncle · 19/09/2022 14:10

I really want to rid myself of her chains

You should have thought of that before you had a child with her you idiot. She is your child's MOTHER. What an utter knob you are.

titchy · 19/09/2022 14:25

Hoppinggreen - no I haven't. Or not to my immediate knowledge

It's ALL you ever post. Do an AS on yourself. Everything you post is in Legal Matters. You post nothing about parenting, schooling, hobbies, holidays, child health. Nothing on those topics that parents here post for advice on. You post only to berate others. You are not a supportive MNer and cannot therefore expect support.

Original poster

Skeptadad · 19/09/2022 20:09

No I don't titchy.

I am not looking for support I am looking to see if anyone could be fair and objective. The answer is no with few exceptions.

The reason I am looking for an objective opinion is because of ex's past behaviours which my Solicitor described as the worst she had seen in 30 years which doesn't endear me given how crappy she has been.

I can't see anyone has given me a valid reason beyond ad hominems as to why I should pay anything when we have an equal division of care. Whatever I might or might not have posted is irrelevant.

I could have made an interesting discussion as to what would be an appropriate level of support if care is shared but I can't see how its beneficial for anyone to continue so I will bow out.

I will pay a fair amount to ensure daughters comfort.

OP posts:

Pinkyxx · 19/09/2022 20:36

I'm 7 years down the line from you @Skeptadad with an ex who has similar contempt for me, and views that his responsibility towards are child starts and ends on his contact time. Anything outside of that is my problem, financially, emotionally, practically. It's not his problem or his responsibility even if it is his child.. his purview is the segment of her life that happens in his care. Anything outside of that, is not his responsibility. DD however considers her life not as 2 mutually exclusion channels, but just her life. Both her time with me and her Dad form part of her world. What happens in one, happens in the other.

Having the benefit of these 7 years gives me perspective on the impact of the kind of sanctimonious, contemptuous attitude you are demonstrating towards your child's mother. Over the years our DD has watched and listened to my ex, and made up her own mind. They have no relationship at all, no connection. She wouldn't turn to him about anything in her life because she's concluded he's only interested in part of it, the part he is in. Very sad, but predictable.

You are joined to your child's mother for life whether you like it or not, whether you like her or not. That is being a parent...

justusandmoo · 19/09/2022 20:56

I have 50/50 care if my daughter with my exH. We never went down the CMS route because it was an equal split. What we did do though was to set up a joint account that we both pay into each month and use that to fund all of the things our daughter needs. He paid more than me initially as he was earning more but when I caught up with him pay wise I brought my payment up to match his.

From the account we fund School uniform, dinner money, activities, birthday, Christmas etc. I tend to spend out of it much more as i am mainly the one taking her shopping for clothes etc but that's fine.

Could you do something like that as it would be fairer perhaps?

PotatoFamily · 19/09/2022 21:02

I have 50/50 with my ex-h, we have never done CM of any kind. If they need anything big, we discuss it. DS needed trainers, I bought them, DD needed a phone, ex bought a second hand iPhone…we just muddle along figuring it out. Why would anyone have to pay when they do half the care? That’s insane!

Original poster

Skeptadad · 19/09/2022 21:08

Underlying a lot of this is a great deal of contempt for my ex telling the police I was a rapist, telling the courts I was a pedophile, causing a loss of job that I loved, stopping contact for a year whilst I was accused of being a domestic abuser whilst my daughter was at risk of being put into care as her mum wouldn't behave.

I joined mumsnet so I could see the world through a mums eyes and I was driven to the fringes by my ex's behaviours. I think in trying to make sense of my own situation I have upset other people. I don't want to upset other people because of my own traumas so I think it's time to ask mumsnet to delete my account.

I am lucky to have a brilliant family and have always worked hard. As mentioned I will ensure daughter is comfortable with her mum.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread